Game over, Scientology wins, they have Pete Doherty and Sumner Redstone. Viacom chairman Redstone hasn't actually converted but did have lunch with Scientology bigshot Tom Cruise, probably canceling in his area a personal and business rift with the actor and paving the way for more sweet Mission Impossible money. Doherty has been reading up on the religion and shacking up with a Scientologist DJ who probably hasn't yet mentioned the religion's stance on psychoactive drugs.
Is 30 Rock the new Saturday Night Live? Tina Fey, SNL alum and 30 Rock creator, is talking about bringing onto the show that whore chick Ashley Dupre and also that less-insane-by-the-day singer Britney Spears. Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan don't bring enough crazy to the party? Really?
Amy Winehouse will be airlifted away from her crack and into rehab, possibly in Israel or South Africa. A doctor told the Sun the singer's skin damage is common among crack addicts. [Sun]
Oprah Winfrey's best friend Gayle King bought a $7.1 million New York penthouse in the name of the talk show host's dead dog, because apparently there weren't enough lesbian overtones in their relationship. The pad is owned by "Sophie's Penthouse LLC." [Observer]
While in a British courtroom, during her divorce from Paul McCartney, Heather Mills poured a pitcher of water on one of the ex-Beatle's lawyers. The Times has a scandalous courtroom sketch of the whole thing because they shamelessly support sketch-artist-paparazzi. [Times]
OMG Paris Hilton is finally saving African kids with her beautiful love, just like she promised! Oh wait, the kids go to a private school and are wealthy. Paris' way too fashionable clothes don't even look dirty. Nice try, liar. [Faded Youth]
It's been so long since actress Winona Ryder stole anything that she's not up on the latest anti-theft technology. A drug store employee said she tried to steal makeup, via her purse, and was caught by the stupid door alarm thing and made to give it back. Wait, people actually stop for those alarms? I am always just waved through. But then my photo isn't taped up in every retail establishment in Los Angeles. [Daily Mail]
Singer Paul McCartney's ex Heather Mills was awarded $49 million after four years of marriage. The blog Knife Tricksestimates that's $43,000 per screw — way, way more than so-called-high-priced whore Ashley Dupre ever charged. Apparently Mills wanted even more.
Britney Spears can't have nice things because men will take them from her. Yesterday her dad got permission from a judge to sell off at least some of the singer's cars, and it emerged that former hanger-on Sam Lutfi allegedly intercepted "hundreds of thousands of dollars worth" of jewelry, fur coats and other luxury items intended for Spears.
UCLA Medical Center is in the process of firing at least 13 workers who snooped on Britney Spears' medical records around the time the singer was admitted to the hospital's psychiatric unit Jan. 31. Other workers face discipline, including six physicians who also snooped on the digital files. Most couldn't get near the juicy stuff because the psych records are sealed off more tightly than regular medical records. Which is nice, but this is the same university that lost national nuclear secrets at Los Alamos (and elsewhere). Glad to see the University of California has its priorities straight!
Amy Winehouse's dad is trying to steal credit for some of his daughter's problems, but not the drug thing. Just the other ones. He was cheating on Winehouse's mom basically since the singer was born, then moved in with his mistress when she was 10, then married the mistress. Now Amy Winehouse makes songs like "What It Is About Men." [Us]
Marc Jacobs' threesome-friendly boyfriend Jason Preston is chivalrous and brave, if not literally ass-kicking. He saw a guy throw a drink on a girl, in a club, and told the dude to apologize. Unfortunately, the guy then whaled on Preston. Still, Bryanboy will be so totally proud. [P6]
Singer Britney Spears reunited with desperate paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, who she had ditched after finding incriminating text chats with another girl on his iPhone. Just prior to taking Ghalib back, Spears was photographed bumping her head, hard. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, as Spears surely likes to say.
Actor George Clooney Googled himself in front of Esquire and addressed the various rumors that popped up. On his alleged feud with Fabio: "There is a moment when you are actually in the argument and you're thinking, 'If I do get beaten down by Fabio, that will be far worse than the pain. I wouldn't shake that.'" On being called "gay, gay, gay:" "No, I'm gay, gay. The third gay – that was pushing it." [People]
Singer Britney Spears, said to be worth around $50 million, has become steadily more sane since her father was placed in control of her finances and other affairs several weeks ago. She parted ways with hanger-on ex-paparazzo Adnan Ghalib and earned the right to see her children more often. Apparently her father is compensated at $2,500 per week for his oversight, and the many tabloids that make money off Spears insanity are incredulous. So is comedian Rosie O'Donnell, who wrote in her Web Q&A forum that Spears' dad's high pay has become "the problem." Apparently these people have never priced rehab, or done some simple math on the scale of Spears' image problem.
Actor Robert Downey Jr. is about to be in blackface in a movie, but it's totally OK because it's so meta: Downey will not wear blackface to pretend to be black; he will wear blackface to pretend to be a white actor pretending to be black. Totally different. [Film School Rejects via Digg]
Kate Hudson is, once again, riding the Butterscotch Stallion. She and fellow actor Owen Wilson had a weird double-date in Miami with Jennifer Aniston and Eric Dane the night after Hudson spent time with Wilson at a 10-bedroom mansion, having been spotted on the way in by crafty paparazzi. Their friends are totally against it.
Jennifer Lopez turned to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for advice on her baby twins, probably after being introduce by close Lopez buddy and crazy Scientologist Leah Remini. So singer Lopez now has a masseuse and trained color therapist specifically for the kids, six new bodyguards for $600,000 and closed-circuit cameras in every room. Also, for that extra touch of crazy, Lopez built a "sterile" baby wing uncontaminated by flowers or presents, filled with relaxing music and painted in "intelligence boosting" colors.
Apple's miraculous iPhone has exponentially increased the productivity of scuzzballs like sometime Britney Spears boyfriend Adnan Ghalib. Though paparazzo Ghalib has his hands full shopping for pregnancy tests with singer Spears, getting uppity with his former coworkers and maybe cutting exploitive photo deals, the iPhone allowed him to also have internet sexytime chats with other women. Britney found the messages and threw Ghalib's iPhone in a pool, then threw the pap out of her house. He wrote a stupid note offering her "milky soup."
Here is a picture of English musician Pete Doherty bleeding out of one nostril during a concert this week. He blamed his cat. (My cat tries to sell me cocaine all the time, too, but you just have to learn to give a firm and consistent "no, Angel.") [Sun]
