· Mayor Bloomberg reveals his penchant for wearing briefs; New York's collective libido is instantaneously destroyed. [Page Six]
· The rumors that Britney Spears is carrying a spawn in her cheese-encrusted belly are intensifying, with a possible announcement coming soon. [R&M (3rd item)]
· Those poor designers over at Heatherette. First they dress Paris Hilton, then they're reduced to appearing on America's Next Top Model, and now they're dressing puppets for daytime talk tv. [Page Six]
· Will Smith equates 9-11 to being attacked by a racist cop. Which he likely will be, now. [Lowdown]

· Trouble in paradise on the set of Kimora Lee Simmons' Life & Style show. Simmons has been catfighting for attention with Jules Asner, or "Miss Twin Set," as Kimora likes to call her. [Page Six]
· Law & Order alum Jerry Orbach talks to the Daily News about his prostate cancer. All of this is very sad, of course, but will probably not prevent the show from blocking off our streets every other day for their shoots. [NYDN]
· Memo to The Apprentice's Stacie J: if you're going to return a shitload of merch after wearing it, try not to be photographed in those very same garments on the prior night. [Page Six]
· Online gambling scion (our new favorite label, btw) Luke Weil gets bludgeoned with felony assault charges for beating up a Brit musician Tarka Cordell and artsy Hope Atherton's birthday party. [Lowdown]
· If accountants H&R Block offer Jeopardy champ Ken Jennings a deal to do their commercials, we'll kill ourselves. [Scoop]

· Just because you're famous doesn't mean you're above the Walk of Shame. Congrats to Pam Anderson for showing the world she did Stephen Dorff the night before. [Page Six]
· Nicky Hilton's ex-husband, Todd Meister, tells Lloyd Grove that he isn't using Nicky as comic relief and then ends the conversation with a solid, "Bye-bye." Um, what grown man (besides my dad) says "bye-bye?!" [Lowdown]
· Tara Reid begs Page Six to leave her alone, then identifies hockey star Sergei Federov as her new boyfriend. [Page Six]
· Duchess Sarah Ferguson spent the day after 9/11 ordering fancy lamps from Clary & Co. in the West Village. Retail therapy is still therapy, right? [R&M]
· Actor Dan Aykroyd spends his press junket railing against American consumerism. Fucking commie. [Scoop]

· It was inevitable: Paris Hilton hooks up with Colin Farrell; now everyone in Hollywood has fucked each other via no more than 3 degrees of separation. [Gatecrasher]
· A new restaurant from the owners of gauche eatery Le Cirque is slated to open in the Bloomberg building next year. The best part? A nonunion shop! Yay! [Page Six]
· Supermodel Heidi Klum and singer Seal are openly discussing baby-making. [ELK]
· Did former Gucci guru Tom Ford unsuccessfully try to buy out Donatella Versace? Maybe he should've ponied up more powder than cash. [Page Six]
· Singer Beyonc Knowles' mother, Tina, fights with Tommy Hilfiger over whose clothes her daughter will wear. So many class issues in play here, we don't know where to start. [R&M]

· Pop star and gay icon George Michael is seeking protection against a stalker. Obviously he's in a tizzy because his deranged fan is a woman. [NYDN]
· In an upcoming issue of FHM, Mets' pitcher Kris Benson's wife Anna recounts sticking suppositories up her beloved's ass. [Page Six]
· George Clooney plans to make a Joseph McCarthy biopic in which the red-hunting senator is portrayed as a "demogogic villain." Oh, those evil, misguided Hollywood liberals. [Page Six]
· P. Diddy has captured a group of 5 brothers and forced them to sign their souls to his label in a thinly-veiled effort to recreate the Jackson 5. Yeah, look how good that turned out. [R&M]

· Former Playmate Divini Sorenson is coming forward with a not-really-fictional account of a quintessential bachelor and his palace full of drugged-up girlfriends. [Page Six]
· Mark Burnett is allowed to visit pie-master Martha Stewart in prison, but fellow defendant Peter Bacanovic is not. [Lowdown]
· Holy shit, what if Star Jones and Al Reynolds breed?! [Page Six]
· For some absurd reason, Harvey Weinstein has been made an honorary commander of the British Empire. Naturally, Michael Ovitz couldn't care less. [R&M]
· Britney Spears extols the virtues of young motherhood by mentioning that her own mom looked sexy in her black dress [when she went to church and] would come home and put on her size 2 shorts and a bikini top to wash the car & get a tan at the same time. [Scoop]

· Late rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard may be gone, but he'll live on in a "bizarre" reality show for Spike TV, which wrapped shooting before his death. You know you're going to watch it. [R&M]
· Trannies and queens get no respect! At a party at Hammerstein Ballroom celebrating Palladium regulars Amanda Lepore, Scooby, Cody Ravioli and others, the ladies (some of which are indeed post-op ladies) were ordered out of the ladies room by a security guard. [Page Six]
· Want an interview with Pee-Wee creator Paul Reubens? Better not mention his guilty plea to kiddie porn charges or the fact that he has to register as a sex offender. In other words, you must agree to a very boring interview. [Lowdown]
· Rio de Janeiro is officially the destination of choice for the well-heeled gay crowd. Calvin Klein, George Michael, and Rupert Everett have all been spotted enjoying the local wares. [Page Six]
· Mariah Carey would like to be called "Mimi," if you had any interest in calling her at all. [Scoop]

· Paris Hilton fucktoy update: this week, she's doing actor Ryan Gosling. [ELK]
· Or is Gosling hooking up with Famke Janssen? [Gatecrasher]
· Meanwhile, steamy pictures of our newly-lesbian Paris chowing box will be published in Hustler. [R&M]
· Victoria Gotti is pressing charges regarding her sons' asswhipping at a Long Island mall after the boys pinched some underage girl's bottom. Does this seem backwards to anyone else? [Page Six]
· Naomi Campbell doesn't just beat her assistants, she doles out head butts. [NYDN]
· Former porn magnate-cum-homeless man Al Goldstein is still alive and collecting free pickles. [Page Six]

· Sopranos star Jamie-Lynn DiScalia backs out of a deal to raise awareness for eating disorders after an offshore casino exec involved with the project called her "fat, then scrawny." Well, that's awareness. [Lowdown]
· Hollywood powerhouse publicist Leslee Dart (who, until now, repped Nicole Kidman and Tom Hanks) is given the boot by her CEO, Pat Kingsley. Dart's email access was disabled before she was even done being canned. [Page Six]
· Just when things couldn't get much worse for domestic convict Martha Stewart, she's been told by officials at her penitentiary that she will not be allowed in the prison kitchen this Thanksgiving. [R&M (4th item)]
· Retiring NBC anchor Tom Brokaw gets in a tizzy over Sunday's Times profile of him in which it's stated that he likes to go skinny dipping with his wife. [Page Six]