Alohomora! Daniel "Harry Potter" Radcliffe's naked bits, on stage in Peter Shaffer's Equus ( a great play for youngsters), will be coming to you in September! Broadway previews begin on the 5th. There will only be twenty-two weeks of the ten minute nude scene, so there's probably some math to be done there about something or other. Oh and there's also something about this being one of the best plays of the 20th century blah blah. I'm sorry I can't really think right now. [People] (Please also give this a better headline.)

When asked about the sex doll created in her image, Sarah Jessica Porkher - oh! hahahah! I mean Parker! I'm so crazy! - told a gossip reporter that any discourse on the matter was "beneath you and I both." Class act that one. Me, not so much.

Do you remember the two conspicuously silent token minorities on Gossip Girl? One is Asian, the other is black, and they say nothing. Sometimes the black girl will give funny looks or the Asian girl will giggle at her cell phone (as is expected of all Asian girls), but that's about it. Well now one of them has left and there are conspiracies afoot. Nan Zhang, who plays the oddly-named Kati Farkas, recently left the show abruptly, reportedly because she enrolled at Brown University during the writer's strike, and failed to tell anyone . Good for her! (Though, Providence! Sorry!) Buttttt, people on the set are whispering that there was a more sinister reason for her sudden departure.

Sometimes the blind items from the UK's Daily Mirror are a bit indecipherable. What with their crazy slang and "football" celebrities I know aren't Tom Brady. So it's nice to see an item where they're as explicit as possible that it's someone I've heard of. He's an American! OK! Of course the rest of it doesn't really make sense. What sort of "top job"? Is he a business man? A porn actor? A banker? You tell me: "Which hunk of beef was sacked from a top job because he kept running off to have sex with random women when he was supposed to perform? The bad-boy American was unstoppable..." [Mirror] Two more, perhaps as befuddling, items after the jump.

Isn't it crazy that the BIGGEST MYSTERY OF OUR TIME—whether or not hip hop/ R&B royalty Jay-Z and Beyonce actually got married last week—hasn't been officially solved yet? On Friday you guys were sending us all those tips about the crowd around Jay-Z's building for a rumored wedding, but we still don't have confirmation! The onstage yammerings of Mary J. Blige about the "wedding" are just not as good as a publicist's statement. And today the Daily News shows Jay-Z with no wedding ring on! What are all those so-called journalists doing these days? Elsewhere, gossip types say Beyonce is pregnant already. That would mean they had sex! We demand the national media drop everything and confirm this story, even if it means drawing every last reporter out of Iraq and stationing them throughout the Marcy Projects. Priorities, people.

George Clooney is too scared to Google himself.

Page Six Magazine continues to publish the ramblings of Lydia Hearst and we love them for it! This week's installment of The Hearst Chronicles finds the publishing heiress weighing in on the presidential race. The great-granddaughter of William Randolph Hearst (who has dropped dad's last name, Shaw, faster than she dropped those 15 pounds to become a model) is tired of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama's "obnoxious" Hollywood endorsements and "petty" throwdowns. The heiress writes: "this young lady is pretty bored with the whole thing. Not only are the Democrats losing their grip on my vote, their divisive antics just might be driving my crowd away entirely." You hear that Hill and Barack? She's bored. Quick, put on something shiny! Meanwhile, we have a hard time believing that socialites would fault others for petty in-fighting. After all, they did practically invent the concept. Just ask Olivia Palermo who, after being literally elbowed from the society scene by Tinsley Mortimer & Co., has slinked back to The New School from whence she came. To see the scan, click the thumb and watch it grow!

We hear that Barney's, the high-end Madison Avenue department store, actually has someone on staff whose job it is to be the store pooper scooper, cleaning up after all the little purse-dogs that the veryveryvery important ladies who lunch bring in... As the saying goes, the stagehands have the best view in the house, et cetera.

Hey, speaking of TMZ, the gossip outlet for jerks, Lindsay Lohan, a popular subject of theirs, appeared on yesterday's show. She made fun of them and basically called their whole operation stupid, but they didn't really seem to notice or care and just chuckled along like the buffoons they are. Video after the jump.

Everybody's always been fascinated by Jessica Joffe, due to her glamorous career-juggling ways: she's kind of a writer/blogger/socialite/model/ex-girlfriend of Ryan Adams type. Sounds fun, but is that her in this ad for Talbots, pictured in a Wall Street Journal article headlined, "'Dowdy' Talbots Hopes Makeover Can Revive Sales"? If so, it's a bit of a step down from her old gigs posing for Uniqlo, J. Crew, and Banana Republic. [WSJ]

In the UK, entertainment reporters have a reputation for being tough and heartless when it comes to reporting on celebrities. But you have to give them this: They're also horny sleazebags. At least one is. His name is Rob Grainge, and he works for the London Paper. Now that French first lady Carla Bruni is getting so much press for her tour of England and other endeavors, the London Paper is trying to get some renewed interest in Grainge's interview with Bruni last year, when she was still a simple model and celebrity. And it is interesting, as a case study in a reporter being unable to control his metaphorical boner while interviewing a pretty woman.

Semi-sane octogenarian gossip Liz Smith is really feeling her oat bran now that she's cranking out columns for the aged women's site WowOWow.com. In her latest effort, she tackles the issue of our time: the rumors of Nicole Kidman's breast augmentation. And she speaks without fear or favor:

We never thought we'd see the day when the Governor of New York's illegal sex trysts would give us only a renewed sense of ennui, but: Okay, we get it. The guy liked hookers. If the Post keeps this up, lots of other valuable yellow journalism will fail to make the front page. Click to enlarge the cover shot. And after the jump, Eliot Spitzer hooker #2 Kristin Davis' MySpace picture, JUST TO GET IT OUT OF THE WAY:

Because the site, which launched last December and closed last week, was "two or three years too late," according to Richard Johnson of Page Six. "We missed the boat." But New York Post's gossip brand already launched once before on the web, during the internet bubble. That, presumably, was two or three years too early. These internet booms, like London buses, never come when you want them.

Liz Smith, the post-post-menopausal gossip columnist, filed a column for her website WowOWow.com, and boy is it insane. There's the part where the Postie explains how gossip would suck if it was about tyrannical dictators who ruled our lives like Kim Jong Il, or where she says gossip would change in a nuclear apocalypse, or how "gossip culture" would be different if an asteroid hit the earth, or if everyone ran out of electricity. But the two craziest parts are definitely the racially-caricatured, pseudo-Confucian caption under Smith's photo, and also the part where Smith decides the gossip biz is shit:

Last week, Salon's Rebecca Traister worried that "The Golden Age of Celebrity Gossip" was "grinding to an end" because of "evil geniuses" like Us Weekly editor-in-chief Janice Min. Min did, after all, put The Hills star Lauren Conrad on the cover of her mag. But the Little Girls of America have a message for the Min doubters: "J-Min is right, and you are old, so shut your old face before I shut it for you." I just went to the corner newsstand to buy cigarettes and while I was waiting forever for this one Nigerian dude to buy a stack of phone cards, two Russian girls who looked to be about eight or nine years old showed up.

In Salon today, Rebecca Traister argues that "the golden age of celebrity gossip is grinding to an end." Ah, the golden age! When Starlets yet new! Traister notes the ever-increasing number of relatively random, famous-for-famousness' sake photo fodder who are splashed on the pages of fading mags like In Touch, Star, and People (only Us Weekly increased its readership last year). She says we're overloaded with inexplicable images, coupled with those "???" headlines hand-crafted by "evil geniuses" like Janice Min. Have we reached critical mass? She asks, "what heart of celebrity darkness is there to be exposed?" A good question. Surely something else about these people's lives can be laid bare. Though it may be scary and sad, like Traister suggests, and we may not like what we uncover. Sort of like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

History is repeating itself. During the last internet bubble, Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation used its Page Six brand to launch a new entertainment website, Pagesix.com. The property has had an even shorter life this cycle: Pagesix.com, which was largely independent of the newspaper's Page Six print column, is being shuttered immediately; it had been live only since December. The URL already redirects to the New York Post's main website, and the site's staff have had their access to email cut off. Managing Editor, David Boyle, told the site's Los Angeles staff. "Given the difficulty in the economy, it was not the right time for this launch," said Jennifer Jehn, one of the site's managers. A total of 18 editorial and support staffers will be let go and three reassigned within the New York Post.

A tipster tells us that the odd Josh Hartnett short film on the Times' website—which shows the actor stumbling through the snow and chatting with a hotel desk clerk, as the first installment of a series that will somehow promote the NYT's fashion magazine—is the twisted byproduct of one thing only: asshole friends! Hartnett is "an extremely nice guy" and a "very loyal friend," but he's surrounded by "asshole user" fake friends who try to use him to further their careers in the industry. Or so we hear. If true, that would definitely solve the mystery of why Hartnett would make time for an aimless project like that. After the jump, more detailed ranting from our tipster, and a bonus clip of the obscure Josh Hartnett-Scarlett Johansson short that is supposedly a precursor to the Times dreck.

It's practically impossible to make fun of loopy Post gossip columnist Liz Smith, because the outspoken, bisexual 85-year-old beats you to the punch every time. For example, when dining with former Gawker Doree Shafrir for her Observer profile, she managed to work some self-deprecation into her lunch order: "And refried beans. My life is refried, so why not?" Well, we can make fun of her for one thing: despite being one of the investors for new momlady website, WowoWow, she just can't figure out how to work that Internet!