In a sleepy Austrian hamlet today, a hulking superhuman lovingly caressed the buttock of a grotesquely muscled 8-foot-tall bronze state of himself.

The Schwarzenegger-Shriver divorce just crossed the threshold from "slightly tense" to "blatantly bellicose." (Playfully bellicose?) Arnold went biking in an "I SURVIVED MARIA" t-shirt on Sunday, TMZ reports.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a very awkward birthday with Maria Shriver. Al Pacino's got family trouble. Ashton Kutcher stole Will Smith's trailer, we think. Yes! It's Sunday gossip.

The Governator (har har) may finally have a secure deal to star in a movie again. Also today: Good news about Jennifer Lopez, better news about Dr. Drew, and best news about your favorite sitcom.

Everyone's getting a divorce! Literally, everyone, except for Kate Moss, who just got married. And Salma Hayek's not getting a divorce yet, but finding out her husband fathered Linda Evangelista's kid isn't going to make her marriage stronger. Yes! It's Saturday gossip.

Arnold's son discovers the truth. Maria looks for a bachelorette pad. William and Kate get home okay. And Pink gets on a high horse about horses. Saturday gossip is rapture-ready.

While we're busy contemplating what an awful human being Arnold Schwarzenegger is for fathering a child out of wedlock and lying to his wife about it for 14 years, let's not forget all the other horrible things about America's favorite gay-porn-modeling, serial lady-groping, Nazi politician/statutory rapist.

Bill O'Reilly opened the Factor tonight with a comment on the Arnold Schwarzenegger love child scandal. So what did the Fox News host—who had to deal with his own very embarrassing sex scandal a few years ago—have to say about the drama in California?

Before Arnold Schwarzenegger ran for governor of California, he was busy impregnating "a longtime member of [his family's] household staff," according to a report in the Los Angeles Times and a statement from Schwarzenegger.

Here's one of the scattered pictures of the smiles Arnold Scharzenegger and Maria Shriver are in the process of leaving behind. It was sent to us by photographer Brad Elterman, who snapped the couple back in 1977 at a Las Vegas charity softball tournament hosted by Kenny Rogers. As Elterman recalls, "He was totally cool and loved the attention of my camera, but Maria made a hissy fit about having her photo taken."

Arnold Schwarzenegger's team is shopping around yet another Terminator sequel, in which the former governor would reprise his iconic role as a herniated, lactose-intolerant killing-machine on an unstoppable mission to find a chiropractor who accepts his health insurance. [Hollywood Reporter]

With his approval rating "hover[ing] in the low 20s" and an election day referendum to reverse his greatest legislative victory, California's steroidal governor is set to leave on a low note. His fancy fingers, however, will continue to shine.