Late-night talks between Illuminatis and Reptilians over Europe's debt crisis resulted in a "three-pronged deal" that will likely avert complete catastrophe: Banks will accept a 50 percent loss and raise more capital, while the eurozone will increase its bailout fund.

Today TMZ released something far worse than anything Anthony Weiner accidentally Tweeted: a shirtless photo of Newt Gingrich. The corpulent pastiness is enough to give you nightmares! What's even worse is that corpulent pastiness belongs to Newt Gingrich.

The flatfoots at Politico have finally discovered the missing bodies of Newt and Cally Gingrich, somewhere off the rocky shores of Greece and Turkey. The two are still alive, which makes sense, since all they're doing is taking a luxury cruise.

Hey, hackers! If you're bored, you might as well just point your computer at Sony. Everyone else is: Sony was hit by at least five hack attacks since Friday, exposing thousands more customers' information.

Here in the US of A, our summer is packed with boring competition shows like America's Got Talent, in which teenage girls sing Mariah Carey ballads. That's why this clip from the show's much more awesome Greek incarnation—of two guys playing a piano with nothing but their penises—should be required viewing for future American contestants. [via Guyism]

Today in bombs: new and skeery details about just how close those Yemeni mail bombs came to blowing up. Plus: new and skeery details on the Greek anarchist mail bombers. It's bomb week. Love it or else.

Police intercepted a mail bomb intended for Italian prez Silvio Berlusconi last night, the 14th mail bomb this week "linked to a far-Left [Greek] urban guerrilla group, the Conspiracy in the Cells of Fire." Greece has suspended all outgoing airmail.

Last week, the Yemeni mail bombs. Today, letter bombs exploded outside the Swiss and Russian embassies in Greece; a dozen coordinated bombs killed 63 in Baghdad; and a letter bomb was found in the German chancellor's mail room. Democracy flourishes.

Greek investigative journalist Socratis Giolas was gunned down on Monday, possibly by left-wing terrorists.

A British scientist says he's discovered a secret code in the works of the ancient Greek philosopher Plato. What is "the hidden philosophy of Plato"? And how can we market it?

"A carpet of frogs" covered a Thessaloniki highway today, forcing closings for two hours. People are guessing they came from a lake nearby, but we know the truth. Hide your firstborns and blood your doors everyone, the lord's a'coming.

A stray mutt that has appeared at "nearly every demonstration in Athens over the last two years." He's always on the side of the protesters. He barks at the police. Locals call him and his ilk "dogs of the movement."

Today was a rollercoaster of a day on Wall St. as a massive sell-off sent the Dow plummeting 1,000 points before rebounding a bit. What caused the sudden dip? It might have been one trader's tiny, but huge, typo.

Greece: Still totally going off. Banks are burning, molotov cocktails are being hurled at police, and riots are spreading throughout the country over tax hikes and wage freezes. [BBC]

Thousand of Greeks turned out for May Day demonstrations yesterday, protesting proposed austerity measures, including pension cuts, government salary freezes and tax hikes. The Times reports demonstrators were "largely peaceful." But some people were mad. Firebombing-level mad. Video inside.

The Way We Live Now: Trying to cover our bad bets. We are seriously bad gamblers. Worse than the average gambler (who is not good, in the first place). There's an upside, though: coke, models, and booze! Cheap booze.

The Way We Live Now: Stealing from the poor. To support the rich, naturally! The other thing we're doing is stealing from the rich, to support the crooks. Egalitarianism in action!

In April, Queens resident Matt Tratner had a friend totally trash his apartment, to the max, and Matt found himself momentarily famous. His friends raised money to replace his stuff. Now, Matt's going on an expensive Greek vacation. Hmmm...

[Rioters in Athens, who are protesting the police shooting of a 15-year-old boy, use lasers in their clashes with cops; image via AP.]