Madonna's estranged brother Christopher Ciccone must be smirking at the news coming out of a British court: The singer claims an interior designer she hired to work on her Beverly Hills mansion surreptitiously photographed pictures of her wedding to Guy Ritchie, then sold them to the Mail On Sunday, which published them in October. Madonna wants $7.4 million in copyright damages from the paper and has identified the designer as Robert Joseph Wilber, heretofore unknown to the public. Of course she could have avoided this whole mess if she hadn't screwed over and disowned her interior designer brother, who worked on that very mansion.

♦ Mary-Kate Olsen was "acting very oddly" during her stay in Miami for Art Basel. After getting into a fight with Kirsten Dunst at a party at the Delano on Wednesday night, MK—who "looked like she had not brushed her hair in a week"—spent the weekend drinking, chain-smoking, and hanging out with boyfriend Nate Lowman, which means she's probably not pregnant. [P6, P6]
♦ Lindsay Lohan went to a party for Milk without Samantha Ronson last week, where she was spotted nuzzling with Sean Penn. [Fox 411]
♦ Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil is reportedly threatening to write a tell-all book about Winehouse unless she gives him $1.7 million in the divorce settlement. [NYP]

[Film director Guy Ritchie, former husband of Madonna, in foggy London towne yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

♦ Is Naomi Campbell planning a secret wedding with her Russian boyfriend Vladimir Doronin later this month? Her reps say no, although the new emerald and diamond ring she sported in Miami this past weekend seems to suggest otherwise. [Mirror, NYDN, DS]
♦ Alex Rodriguez had a busy Thanksgiving. He spent half of Thursday with his ex-wife and kids and the other half with Madonna before jetting off to Mexico City with Madge. [NYDN, NYP]
♦ Amy Winehouse's estranged husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, says he was responsible for turning his wife into a junkie, and that he has to "let her go to save her life." [NYDN, People]
♦ Giants star Plaxico Burress, who shot himself in the leg while partying at Latin Quarter on Friday night, turned himself in this morning. [NYP, Newsday]

♦ It's the question that has been keeping you up for days now: Where is Alex Rodriguez going to spend Thanksgiving? First it was reported that A-Rod planned to stay in New York. Now People now says he plans to have dinner with his ex-wife and their two kids in Florida. But Madonna is on the scene, too! Maybe in the spirit of the holiday, they'll all just join together and be thankful for what they have? Kidding! [People, TMZ]
♦ The parents of Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal are broke, apparently. [P6]
♦ Did Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really get married in Mexico or was it just an elaborate publicity stunt? [AP]

Maybe it shouldn't be a surprise that Liz Smith lit after Madonna's ex so brutally in the Post today; she seems to just love Madonna. The singer's ex-husband Guy Ritchie, not so much: Smith writes that all three times the director worked with Madonna, Madonna played some kind of abused character, and so everyone should wonder if this "reflect[ed] home life — a meek and conciliatory Madonna." After implying Ritchie is a wife beater, Smith moved on to painting him as a gold digger; though the Times of London said Ritchie's divorce settlement would include "not a penny" of Madonna's fortune, Smith said he got much more:

♦ Amy Winehouse's loving, supporting marriage to Blake Fielder-Civil appears to be over. Now free from police custody, Blake appears to have taken up with a German model named Sophie Schandorff, which means Amy will have to find someone else to fulfill her sex fanatasiesd described as "too gross" to "mention in a newspaper." [P6, NOTW]
♦ Chef Gordon Ramsay has been carrying on an affair with "Britain's most famous mistress" for the past seven years. Allegedly. [NYP]
♦ Michael Jackson and the sheik who sued him last week for $7 million have a reached a settlement. [NYDN]

♦ Guy Ritchie and Madonna's marriage came to an official end in the High Court of London courtroom this morning. Neither "Ciccone ML" or "Ritchie GS" actually showed up in person for the proceedings, but Madonna had drinks with ex-husband Sean Penn on Wednesday night, possibly as part of an early celebration. [People, The Sun, P6]
♦ The longest pregnancy in history is finally over: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz welcomed a son named Bronx Mowgli Wentz into the world last night. Yes, that's Bronx Mowgli. [People]
♦ According to The Sun, Michael Jackson has converted to Islam and has changed his name to "Mikaeel." [The Sun]

Barristers in England are calling Guy Ritchie's freshly-minted breakup settlement with superstar wife Madonna a "model divorce." But cynics could just as easily call it a model victory for aggressive flackery: It was Madonna, according to some gossipy press reports, who initiated and most viciously perpetuated the post-split war of words with her husband; witness her public declaration her husband was "emotionally retarded." If Madonna's objective was to bully Ritchie into a fast divorce — and thus into relinquishing any claim on the singer's $450 million fortune, ten times his hoard — it worked. Ritchie is said accepting not a penny of Madonna's cash, telling the Mirror, "Thank God" it's all over. Madonna promptly got her drink on, said Page Six:

♦ Paris Hilton has broken up with Benji Madden after nine months of dating, reportedly so she can return to the party circuit and possibly reunite with her ex, Stavros Niarchos. The second part of Paris' plan might be tougher than she thought, though, since Stavros may have his eye on Annabelle Dexter-Jones. [Star, People, P6]
♦ Anna Wintour's reps say she has no intention of leaving Vogue. And she has no plans to accept a "cultural post" in Barack Obama's White House either, just so you know. [MSNBC]
♦ Have Madonna and Guy Ritchie finally reached a divorce settlement? The couple has supposedly sealed a deal that will let Madge keep her cash and allow Rocco and David to spend half their time living with Guy in England. [ThisIsLondon]
♦ Winona Ryder's British Airways flight had to make a special landing in London yesterday after she fell ill, allegedly because she "accidentally overdosed" on Xanax. [The Sun, NYDN]

Guy Ritchie was reunited today with his two sons (yes, even that turncoat Rocco) after weeks apart, but his estranged ex Madonna made sure that the happy meeting came attached to a brand-new set of strict stipulations. Though Autotuned utterances of "Contract, Guy, Contract" didn't seem to help her marriage any, the sinewy pop star hasn't demurred from the format, instead drawing up a list of 12 simple rules for seeing her pre-teen sons. The Daily Mail's got each one:

• Us Weekly issued a formal retraction saying Guy Ritchie is not sleeping with actress Kelly Reilly. Was apologizing to Reilly "for any potential embarrassment" the gossip may have a caused a big passive-aggressive dig at Ritchie? Just asking! [Us]

♦ Guy Ritchie met up with sons David and Rocco in London yesterday for the first time since October, but only after agreeing to follow a list of rules issued by Madonna, which included no new friends, no fast food, no newspapers, and no TV. [Us, Mirror]
♦ Back in the US, Madonna supposedly threw an "intimate dinner party" at her apartment so she could introduce Alex Rodriguez to a group of her friends. [Mirror]
♦ One week after Tim Robbins experienced a few problems trying to cast his vote in the presidential election, officials now say they pinpointed the issue: Robbins turned up at the wrong polling location, which he might have known if he'd bothered to vote in the mid-term elections. [NYDN, P6]

Tragedy was narrowly averted on the set of Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes, a colorful report circulating the UK gossip press claims, when Robert Downey Jr. very nearly set his penis ablaze in a pipe-smoking incident gone terribly wrong:

♦ A "crazed" Madonna fan stormed the set of Guy Ritchie's new movie this weekend and threatened to kill him with a 12-inch knife before the 16-year-old was arrested. [Mirror, Daily Star]
♦ Is Ashley Olsen planning to marry boyfriend Justin Bartha in a secret wedding on the French Riviera? That's what the National Enquirer claims! Also: She supposedly wants Karl Lagerfeld to design her dress. [Daily Express]
♦ Joaquin Phoenix was acting "odd" and wobbly at an event in San Francisco last week, and now his friends are worried he's back to drinking and doing drugs. [P6]
♦ Beth Ostrosky and Ryan Reynolds both finished the NYC Marathon yesterday, along with about 35,000 other people. [NYDN]

Now that Madonna has entered the "ex texting" part of her breakup with Guy Ritchie ("OMG Debi Mazar Hates U 2"), it's time for Hollywood's looky-loos to saddle up and choose a side. On Team Madonna, we have Yankee T-friendly Rocco, a concerned Gwyneth Paltrow, and Alex Rodriguez, whereas Team Guy consists of little but his Sherlock Holmes cast, a discarded British accent used by Madonna over the last decade, and maybe Sarah Palin? Someone should ask her! Now, Page Six breaks the news of two new celebs warming the bench for Madonna: Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld, who are loaning out their house so Madonna and A-Rod can get it on.

• Madonna and Alex Rodriguez helicoptered to the Hamptons, spent four hours in a house with Jerry Seinfeld and possibly Seinfeld's wife, then helicoptered back home. Must have been quite a dinner party. [Post, Sun]

♦ Don't get your hopes up, but supposedly Madonna and Guy Ritchie are hoping to settle their divorce by early next week. Until then, though, we'll be treated to lots more gossip about their wacky marriage, including the set of rules Madonna posted on the wall of their Central Park West apartment and how she wanted to fill up their Olympic-size swimming pool with Kabbalah water. [NYP, Daily Mail]
♦ You think your house is complete chaos? For their stay in Berlin, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have six full-time nannies and a fleet of 20 Volkswagens (provided to them by the car company gratis, of course). [NYDN]
♦ Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of former presidential contender John Edwards, was spotted without her wedding ring at an event Monday night. Now the talk is that the couple isn't living together anymore either. [P6]
♦ Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are supposedly feuding because Ashley wants a boob job, but doesn't want to get one unless Mary-Kate goes under the knife at the same time. [Star]

Click to viewBoomp3.com On the London set of Sherlock Holmes, free spirit Robert Downey Jr. did his best to cheer his director Guy Ritchie up. Partnering up with the effects and stunt departments, Downey crafted a rig that allowed him to fly around the set. A rather glum Ritchie perked up at the sight of Downey soaring majestically, as Downey shouted down, “Relax, Guy. I’m going to fly in this movie, too. People love it when I’m flyin’.” [Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

We thought every marriage had a graphically worded pact to spell out its sexual and emotional tenets, but apparently our families are in the minority with Madonna and Guy Ritchie. The authorities at The Sun today make quite a bit of the busted-up duo's "marriage contract," a list reportedly pinned around their residences lest Guy ever forget his responsibilities in the relationship — and putting down the toilet seat was the least of them.Beyond joining Madonna for regular Kabbalah studies, working "to enrich his wife's emotional [...] well-being," and agreeing to resolve conflicts with the easy-to-remember surrender edict, "I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this," Ritchie is said to have faced even more formidable terms in the bedroom: