Some stupid boy getting you down? There's a gay for that! So if you're thinking of drowning your sorrows in a lake, all you need is a sassy gay to set your ass straight—straighter than he'll ever be!

Brian Cox can pull off menacing and acerbic like few others (the Bourne movies, Manhunter). He legitimizes terrible movies (Chain Reaction, The Long Kiss Goodnight). But his best role to date is teaching Shakespeare to adorable children.

Officially out of ideas, Hollywood continues to mine the recent past for any bit of something worth reviving. Movies that you and I both loved once. Plays that the English loved many centuries ago.

We present you Act I of Hamlet, the Facebook News Feed Edition, in its entirety. Click to embiggen. For the full story — including Polonius's riveting status update: "Polonius thinks this curtain looks like a good thing to hide behind," please see McSweeney's.