Three undercover Minneapolis cops are suing the city, county, and state of Minnesota after their names were made public in connection to an investigation into prostitution at city massage parlors. The officers’ complaint would be understandable if it weren’t for the circumstances under which their names were released: they were reprimanded for allegedly having gone a little too deep undercover during the hooker bust, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.

This is a segment from a Japanese erotic variety show hosted by actor/comedian Yoshimi Tokui, challenging male contestants to make it through a karaoke while being manually stimulated by beautiful, professional women. Meanwhile, the hosts are in the studio laughing at them, and onscreen captions indicate when they’ve “finished.”

The Handie, a made-in-USA, food-grade silicone handjob robot, is seeking funding on Indiegogo. The "all-in one finishing tool for men" does everything: vibrates, simulates penetration, self-lubricates, looks like Thing from the Addams Family with tumors. Everything!

Animal researcher Margaret Howe Lovatt studied dolphins near the U.S. Virgin Islands in the '60s. She happened upon a pubescent male named Peter and one thing led to another and...you know.

Well, that escalated quickly. The "First Kiss" video has gone from work of art to viral advertising to subject of a handjob parody video in the space of a day.

Back before Russell Brand was the Nazi-joke-telling, MSNBC-destroying Messiah we all know and tolerate, he was an up-and-coming heroin addict trying to make it in show business by giving handjobs to random guys in Soho bar bathrooms.

For 500 Points: The New York Post reports on "Austrian billionaire Richard Lugner," an "oddball" who's been taking celebrities on dates for 19 years, and ponying up serious scrilla for it. So what does $150K with Lindsay Lohan get you?

Having trouble doing...anything? There's a handjob for that.

Yesterday now-legendary conservative horndog Mark Sanford admitted that he'd "crossed the lines" with a "handful" of women not named Jenny Sanford during his marriage to Jenny Sanford, but claims he never "crossed the ultimate line." So what did he do?

We're going to help our friends at PRNewswire get the word out about a little "issue" they had today, so listen up: Anyone who distributed the HANDJOB.COM release today, please recall it. Again: PRNewswire would like your help in tracking down and eradicating that HANDJOB.COM release they sent out. (You can thank us later, guys.)

It would be an understatement to say Esquire got more than they bargained for when they approached Gemma Arterton—the striking and statuesque actress who'll play Agent Fields in Quantum of Solace—to learn something about the newest Bond girl:

Back story: I'm lurking around one of the low-rent haunts of the highbrow magazine elite Wednesday and come upon a friend of mine, Jess, who introduces me to Donavan Hohn, a brilliant writer whose recent piece on a Hong Kong toy fair had inspired me to write a handjobby post about how much I love 'Harper's.' Anyway, like pretty much all journalists under 40 who bother with the whole "crafting exquisite paragraphs" thing anymore, Hohn has cash flow issues. So Jess suggests — naively, I'm assuming — he get into the celebrity profile racket. Her friend Mark Kirby does it! He just wrote a profile of Megan Fox for 'GQ' that was really actually a rewarding effort! And I'm thinking, "Oh Jess, guys like Donovan Hohn are just not wired to hustle celebrity profile assignments. Not least because guys like Donovan Hohn probably didn't know who Megan Fox even was when he saw her at a comic book convention at which he was busy jotting down the philosophies of some enchanting small-time hucksterpreneur, and plus, everyone knows celebrity profiles are the lowest form of hackery." Well shit, was I so totally wrong. Jess had just tipped me off to the best celebrity profile in years. Seriously, you know how the celebrity profile is totally dead? This profile could do for the genre what…Megan Fox does for impotence or something!