Even when I was a believer, God had virtually no place in my Christmas. Each December 25, I suffered through Catholic mass, feeling each second crawl by. I had things to do, presents to open, Christmas movies to rewatch, sisters to fight with, extended family to see, food to eat and eat and eat. I might have considered the Catholic implications of the holiday while in church, but only in the way that you consider the car in front of you that's moving too slowly.

Kirk Cameron—holy moron, village idiot, bigot in pilgrim's clothing—is losing his battle to save Christmas from the gays or whatever, and he's blaming the critics.

Ho ho, it seems we're spending this Christmastime deciding what color skin Santa Claus is allowed to have. Gather 'round the Yule log on your smart phones, younglings, and watch the old bigots on the permanent Naughty List try to invent another make-believe crisis of complexion. What race is Santa Claus? Well, if they really want to know then let's go ahead and tell them: Santa Claus is a magical human of African descent.

It seems some of the Christian soldiers fighting for God in the Holy War on Christmas have decided to treat the ongoing faux-troversy like an actual war and assault those who dare to be a bit more inclusive in their holiday greetings.

There are lots of wonderful things about spending a week in my hometown, Brattleboro, Vt. Here we have a stocked kitchen, two dogs, a fireplace, and the maple syrup flows from the sink faucets. And as of this morning, there is lots of snow. So much snow that the local newspaper, the Brattleboro Reformer—which is wonderful but like any local newspaper has a history of making unfortunate typos—led with it on page one.

Every child eventually experiences that crushing day when he or she realizes that Santa Claus, that totally implausible overweight gift-giver, is (SPOILER) not real. For those of us who thrive on cynicism, it's almost difficult to remember a time when we could be so joyfully naive—it took us a few years to realize that everything is horrible. Here, we've gathered our stories of the day our innocence died. Please share your own in the comments.

This year's Kardashian family Kristmas Kard takes, as its theme, a lesson in quantum physics.

Every year in the United States and parts of Europe, the Khristmas season kicks off with the release of the Kardashian family publicity still.

Macy's plans to hire 80,000 seasonal workers this holiday season. 79,980 department store elves, 20 cashiers.

The annual War on Christmas—dormant since the bloody Holiday Battles of 2010—is back in full swing, according to a breaking news bulletin from local crazy cat woman Andrea Peyser. Even worse: now they're coming after the Jews!

Today the ladies of The View discussed Bill O'Reilly's Outrage at Joy Behar's holiday card that features an obvious photoshop job of Joy and O'Reilly in passionate embrace. But it's not their embrace that bothers O'Reilly.

Gothamites seamlessly transitioned from post-Christmas good will into pre-New Year's surliness, with a violent subway fistfight. We huddle around our laptops and trashcan fires to watch, indulging our ill-concealed bloodlust. Milk this bloody decade for all it's worth, you vampires.

It looks like we'll have to think of a new idea for the Defamer Christmas card, because Hugh Hefner and his 19-year-old twin concubines have gone and stolen ours.