From the mailbag, commenter Irish Breakfast on the blessed death of HBO's 'John From Cincinnati': "It occurs to me that Gawker Media should have an occasional T.V.-equivalent of "And Now They're Dead," perhaps "And Now It's Dead To Me," or, more to the point, "Rejoice! It's Over, Suckers," summing up the excrescent season finales of such dreck as John From Cincinnati. Despite shoehorning in several good cast members—I weep for Luis Guzman—and rubbing our nose in the fact that Deadwood was superior in every way by using/abusing several actors from its fine cast, this is a self-indulgent, badly styled, mumbo-jumbo spiritual with no whiff of a coherent plot, bad dialogue (BAD DIALOGUE!! From the man who brought us Ian McShane and his Shakespearian delivery of "Loopy Fuckin Cunt!" ) and a general fuck-you to what's left of a once- loyal audience. To David Milch, I say: Fuck You Sir. I'd be honored to drop kick John right back to Cincinnati, and to send the Yosts and their "colorful friends," all strapped firmly into their fucking VW bus with the brake lines cut, into a high, rough sea. Any survivors washing ashore would be clubbed to death with the script."

· James Gandolfini and HBO's eight-year relationship is still going strong, as The Artist Who Will Forever Be Known As Tony will star in and produce the movie ABCD Camp, in which he'll play Sonny Vaccaro, the guy who signed Michael Jordan to the first million dollar shoe deal. [Variety]
· The trades eulogize Merv Griffin, but no review of the TV mogul's legacy could be as poignant as three minutes spent watching "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts." [Variety, THR]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, To Crush My Enemies, To See Them Driven Before Me, and To Hear The Lamentations of the D-Girls Edition: Millenium Films pays a seven figures for the rights to make a new series of Conan the Barbarian movies. There's no word about whether Arnold Schwarzenegger would be willing to abandon his political career for a shot at reprising one of his most successful roles. (But wishful thinking on the matter is nonetheless encouraged.) [Variety]
· Joseph Gordon-Levitt still keeping it real, signing on for two more indie features. Don't worry, eventually Hollywood will break him they way it did Sevigny and Posey. [THR]
· All of this strike talk is really fucking up some rich people's summer vacations. [Variety]

· Treat yourself to one of the bricks from the facade of The Sopranos' legendary Satriale's Pork Store, then use it to smash your TV out of frustration that John from Cincinnati isn't watchable.
· Slate tries to figure out what happened to Pacino.
· Kirk Kerkorian is tired of paying $50k a month to raise Steve Bing's kid.
· Ellen Pompeo eats "rich and famous girls who are rich and famous for nothing" for lunch.
·Someone's really been hitting the weights.

Brazen Santa Monica jaywalkers, beware! A concerned operative with your best interests at heart writes: "Massive jay-walking sting operation outside HBO, MTV, and Lionsgate. No fewer than four Santa Monica motorcycle cops at the corner of Colorado and Cloverfield, ticketing dozens of pedestrians. Be warned."

· Critic-proof director/producer Brian Robbins takes on Jailhouse Rock, a film based on the real-life story of an American Idol-like signing competition (the "Inmate Idle Singing Con-Test") that took place in an Arizona jail, for Disney. While it's probably too soon to think about casting, it's hard not to imagine Robbins throwing some orange jumpsuits on his Wild Hogs dream team and letting them loose on renditions of "Summer Lovin'" and "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights." Projected opening weekend gross: $42 million. [Variety]
· Ben Stiller, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Hudson, Paulie Walnuts, Bobby Baccala, Alicia Keys,and Sheryl Crow are among those who've signed up for Elmo's Christmas Countdown, a one-hour Muppets holiday special in which the famous will help the ticklish star count down the days to Jesus's birth. [THR]
· HBO renews Big Love for a third, 12-episode season, which should be completed well in advance of a possible strike. In other HBO news, John from Cincinnati still makes no fucking sense. [Variety]
· Fox wins another uneventful, creatively barren, rerun-heavy summer Monday night behind Hell's Kitchen and Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? [THR]
· ABC greenlights Here Come the Newlyweds, a reality competition series in which six newly married couples fight to the death (or at least to the divorce) over a steadily increasing cash prize. [Variety]

In the latest installment of its penetrating investigative series on the erotic landscape of premium cable's leading brand in the post-Sex-and-the-City era, "HBO: Where's All The Fucking?," a breakthrough: after previously throwing a spotlight on the distressing lack of onscreen coitus in Entourage, the Times now reveals that the network has been secretly devoting all of its ugly-bumping resources to the development of new series Tell Me You Love Me, which promises to entice viewers with levels of pay-TV screwing surpassed only by the raunchiest of expense-account-verboten hotel-room offerings:

Taking inspiration from a successful campaign in which Jericho fans buried the CBS executives responsible for canceling the struggling Debbie Downer of a series under a mountain of salted peanuts, fans of NBC's The Black Donnellys have similarly bought up enough Zesta crackers to feed a developing nation, and diverted the shipment to HBO, where they think the "edgy" Paul Haggis series has a better chance of survival. From the Show Tracker blog:

Great news for those whose lives have felt a little empty ever since Sex and the City's cast members collectively miscalculated their career prospects back in 2004 and left the warm, protective bosom of premium cable to suckle at the unforgiving teat of the big screen: HBO and New Line have finally bought off all four of the SATC gals, allowing them to move forward with the long-gestating feature version of their beloved TV series. Var reports on how holdout Kim Cattrall was convinced to join the reunion:

No superhero—not even the everyday variety that manages to juggle bionic blogging abilities with extraordinary TV executive powers—comes out of the box fully formed. We therefore turn once again to Andy's Blog, the cheery corner of the internet where Bravo's Andy Cohen lets his thoughts out for air, for what might very well be the origin myth of the world's most spotlight-friendly Super-Exec:

With the unbearable sexual tension produced by Ari Gold's brief estrangement from beloved client Vinnie Chase all but dissipated by the pair's speedy reunion last season, we feared that the Entourage team would immediately fall back on its Vince struggles/Vince triumphs/Team Vince high-fives while overlooking stunning Hollywood vista/credits roll formula going into its fourth season. But last night's premiere episode restored our confidence in the writing team's ability to surprise us, taking a bold creative direction by having an increasingly artistically deranged Chase decide to sabotage passion project Medellín by playing bloodthirsty drug dealer Pablo Escobar as a Colombian Tony Clifton, a self-destructive choice that not even trusty sidekick E could talk him out of by reminding him that they're just simple guys from Queens living out their show business dreams.

· Minutes and minutes of fun (and a deepened appreciation for David Chase's genius) can be had with YouTube and the search query "Sopranos alternate ending."
· There's is definitely something a little perverse about a Luke/Vader Father's Day gift set.
· Angelina Jolie wears a $26 outfit (not including shoes) to the NY premiere of A Mighty Heart; if her candidacy for sainthood wasn't already a lock, it certainly is now.
· Catwoman money buys a pretty nice spread in Silver Lake.

If we've learned anything from the The Sopranos finale, it's that nothing punches up a scene emotionally like Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'." There has been no shortage of media coverage asking the members of the 1980s supergroup with the penchant for winged scarab cover art what it feels like to be immortalized in the Most Important Final Scene in TV History:
· Guitarist Neal Schon "was like, 'Awesome!'" when he heard the news, and suspects the song was chosen because it hints at a Sopranos resurrection, for which the Jersey native would love to be considered for Featured Goombah status. [EW.com]

· Universal is partnering with environmentally conscious marketers to promote Evan Almighty, culminating in a spectacular stunt in which the studio will flood its Universal City theme park, washing away thousands of tourists to emphasize the film's uplifting, "green" message that God will kill us all if we don't take better care of our planet. [Variety]
· Michael Moore seeks out, receives free publicity for upcoming film about the American health care system. [THR]
· The details of the project are unimportant to us, but let it be known that Jennifer Connelly, whom we would pay to watch folding laundry or waiting in line at the DMV, has taken on a new movie project. Unfortunately, the husband is also involved. [Variety]
· CBS Corp despot Les Moonves calls Dan Rather's critical remarks about successor Katie Couric's "dumbing down" and "tarting up" of his beloved evening news broadcast "sexist." Expect the mouthy ex-anchor to be found dead of an apparent heart attack by the end of the day. [THR]
· The ratings for Sunday night's Sopranos finale are in, and its average of 11.9 million viewers easily surpassed the mark set by HBO sibling Sex and the City's controversial last episode, in which the sassy, shoe-loving ladies were unexpectedly whacked by a vengeance-obsessed Mario Cantone. [Variety]

[Do we still need to say there will be spoilers in a post about the Sopranos finale? Well, there will be. Adjust your reading accordingly.—Ed.] Knowing that ending his beloved Sopranos—the Greatest Achievement in the History of a Debased Medium, unless you're one of those The Wire cultists—with four and a half minutes of "Don't Stop Believin'," Meadow's heart-palpitating struggles to parallel park in an enormous space, paranoid shots of a man whose Members Only-inspired fashion sense was a clear signifier of murderous intent, and then the Cut to Black That Shook The World might frustrate fans seeking the tidy closure only a spectacular whacking could provide, series creator David Chase escaped to France to wait out any angry mobs wanting to put two bullets in his temple and then crush his skull beneath an SUV's tire. He's now reemerged from his overseas cooling-off period with an interview with the Star-Ledger, in which he swears he didn't choose this ending just to fuck with viewers' heads:

· Suffering from nervous breakdowns induced by Sopranos separation anxiety? Breathe deeply and whisper to yourself that at least you've got The Walnuts to hold onto.
· Mental health professionals lament The Sopranos' passing, as Tony made those who sit in expensive leather chairs across from manipulative sociopaths seem cool again.
· Maroon 5 manwhore Adam Levine's got a sexy secret...and Us is letting you in on it!
· Ryan Seacrest makes Simon Cowell joke, touches off multiple gossip item trying to stir up Idol controversy.
· Sunset Tan shocker! Spray-tanned corpse not actually a corpse.
· The Office's BJ Novak on how to do old Reveille boss/new NBC boss Ben Silverman: "I've been studying his mannerisms: huge enthusiasm, and then he'll slip in an incredible knowledge of specifics, way deep into a lot of complicated handshakes and backslapping."

· Preliminary overnight ratings reveal that The Sopranos finale delivered a big number, stealing viewers from both the Tonys and the NBA finals. [Variety]
· Spring Awakening and The Coast of Utopia clean up at the little-watched (see above!) Tonys, winning eight and seven trophies, respectively. [THR]
· Apparently, cutting out "more than half" of Hong Kong superstar Chow Yun Fat's scenes in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End makes the movie safer for Chinese audiences, who will finally get an opportunity to see it on Tuesday. More bad news: the deletions make the movie even more difficult to follow than its unedited version. [Variety]
· Pirates 3 holds off Ocean's 13 at the international box office, pulling in another (yawn) $51.3 million. [THR]
· "Respected" outlets try to justify their contributions to the Paris Hilton clusterfuck by offering meta commentary on the ongoing "media circus" or with analysis of how the justice system treats the rich and famous. [Variety]

What we imagine HBO is sending out in response to angry Sopranos-related emails: "They will in no way be lumped together in the 'People with WAYYYYY Too Much Time File,' and promptly deleted. Make no mistake, NOTHING is more important to the financial viability of a major corporation than fans' memories of a show that stopped production about 6 months ago." [This Just In]

[Warning: This post will contain spoilers. If you chose to ignore the most significant moment in the history of pop culture by time-shifting last night's Sopranos finale, we recommend that you smash your monitor with a rock and save yourself the anguish of having your life ruined. —Ed.]

· HBO and Tom Hanks' Playtone are close to a deal to adapt the Vincent Bugliosi book Reclaiming History: The Assassination of President John F. Kennedy into a miniseries that would finally pay some attention to the allegedly shadowy circumstances surrounding the too-long-ignored event of JFK's untimely death. [Variety]
· John McTiernan will direct the "Las Vegas action thriller" High Stakes. The director's impressive list of credits include Die Hard, The Last Action Hero, and lying to the FBI about his involvement with wiretapper-to-the-stars Anthony Pellicano. [THR]
· Bourne franchise BFFs Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass are close to reigniting their professional love affair with an adaptation of the book Imperial Life in the Emerald City for Universal. [Variety]
· Newly installed NBC Universal TV Studio president Katherine Pope celebrates her promotion by dumping a huge pile of money in Heroes creator/executive producer Tim Kring's lap. [THR]
·And in other "showrunners getting filthy rich" news, Scrubs' Bill Lawrence (pictured, looking stunned by his staggering wealth) signs an eight-figure, four-year overall deal with ABC Studios, who bought him out of his NUTS contract. [Variety]

· Time Warner officially announces that interim CEO Bill Nelson will be permanently replacing the recently shitcanned Chris Albrecht, confident that their newly installed leader will keep himself free of PR-nightmare altercations at Vegas valet stands. [Variety]
· Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee will make her acting debut in the "indie dark romantic comedy" Last Caller, a part that will reportedly require no singing, and, hopefully, pave the way for the trashier roles that we've envisioned for her ever since her first cattle-call audition appearance. [THR]
· Universal president/COO Ron Meyer signs on for another five years running the company, extending his reign through 2012. Gushes boss Jeff Zucker, "He knows the business inside and out and has an incredible eye for talent, and inspires intense loyalty. He is a crucial part of NBC Universal's success, but I will not hesitate to feed him to the animatronic Jaws at the Universal Studios theme park if that becomes necessary for the advancement of my own career." [THR]
· Publicity-whoring magic rival David Blaine to issue press release calling Cameron Diaz's new boyfriend a "pussy" for not filling the Times Square death-box he just escaped from with water. [THR]
· The studios releasing this summer's fast-starting sequel blockbusters (Spidey/Pirates/Shrek 3) are finding that overseas audiences are much more tolerant of disappointing crap than their American counterparts. [Variety]