Oh, if we had a nickel for every time we tried that line, George...

We understand that Ambien is also linked to long late-night conversations about how fucking cool it would be to just, like, quit our jobs and buy an old car and just hit the road, man, you know, drive across the country, meeting people, seeing the world, getting away from all this bullshit. Yeah, that's what we really should — sorry, what were we talking about again?

And body-image issues must be chief among those problems, it'd seem. Thanks, media.

You see, the blood found on the material used to tie together murder victim Imette St. Guillen's wrists matches that of prime suspect Darryl Littlejohn. Littlejohn is tied to the murder. Wrist ties, blood ties — ha ha, right? Get it? Anyone?

Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, on the other hand, prefers to focus on the positive developments.

We know you don't like the media, Donnie. And we know the media aren't perfect. But here's the thing: You go to war with the media you have, not the media you might want or wish to have at a later time.

But it does seem a cruel and unusual punishment, no?

And we'd really appreciate if people would finally start recognizing and respecting our unique culture and heritage. Perhaps we can get a History Month?

Post-Frey, book publishers aren't taking any chances.

You can't help but be a little proud of Matt Drudge for this one. It's just past 9 AM and he's already managed to nail a thematic money shot. The masculine backside and America — that we expected. But the plastic? So naughty! We're pleasantly surprised at this little reveal; you let your freak flag fly all over that red carpet, big guy.

Sad, but true. The poor things are limping all over the place.

Remarkably, the folks at Bloomberg News see this as good news. Funny, that.

Major, breaking, top news from CNN:

We're not even going to talk about this weekend's murder of Imette St. Guillen — except that the tabloids' detailed accounts of her body's condition should have come with some sort of warning, as they quite literally turned our stomach and forced us to stop reading — but we have to express our surprise at this morning's front pages. Could it be that the Daily News actually beat the Post on creating a catchy nickname for the killer? Damn. We always had our money on the drunken Australians to be the first in tasteless punnery.

• Now that we're certain British crackhead Pete Doherty is a real person, we can fully appreciate his latest arrest for car theft. Oh, don't worry — he was charged with possession, too. He wouldn't drop the ball and let you down like that. [BBC]
• Funny how a handful of the featured artists at the Whitney Biennial are with or have shown at the Perry Rubenstein Gallery. Funny how Sylvia Chivaratanond, who works at the gallery, is partners with Biennial co-curator Philippe Vergne. [Anonymous Female Artist]
• Think about it: You've lost your home, your city, perhaps even your loved ones. The last thing a Katrina victim wants is an afternoon shopping with Britney Spears. [AP]
• There is no line between a normal New Yorker and an actual bad person. They're one in the same, you fucking twit. Now move. [Logged Hours]
• Stars nowadays suck. [Ad Age]
• Bad news for Broadway, as casting for the musical version of Legally Blonde is requesting "Abercrombie & Fitch fraternity and sorority types." [NewYorkology]
• Life ain't easy when you're Mark the Cobrasnake. You have to, like, wear visors and stuff, even when you don't feel like it. [Vulture Droppings]
• More headline laziness. Why not be creative? We're thinking more like "Mrs. Smith Sucks Off Washington." [Gilded Moose]

Don't worry: Next week they'll be back to their usual trivial concerns, like whose turn it is to sit with Thomas at lunch.

While the Times is distracted by that insignificant little Sunni-Shiite battle brewing, and as the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian tensions escalate in the Mideast, and as Democrats and Republicans nationwide hate each other more and more, amNew York gives front-page coverage to the sectarian struggle that really matters.

And it's really a shame, because its future was looking so bright before that mosque bombing.

After both papers wound up with synchronized "Sassy Sasha" back pages on Wednesday, you'd think they'd try a little harder for today's edition — but you'd be wrong. In their defense, however, it's incredibly hard for these people not to pick the most obvious, go-to headline. It's all they've ever known, really. Poor little headline-writing orphans, looking for scraps of puns just to survive.

On a red bar across the top of CNN.com right now: