Making love? Having sex? Copulating? Fornicating? Monkey-fisting? Humping? Banging? Porking? Fucking? Fellating? Carpet-munching? Salad-tossing? Drilling? Boning? Beaver-shredding? Baloney-boxing? Meat-cuddling? Bonking? Muff-diving? Rimming? Baking cookies?

The new Time Out New York, out today, is the first issue produced after the resignation of Joe Angio, the eight-year vet who just stepped down as the mag's editor-in-chief.

Please don't get us wrong: We're incredibly fond of the Observer generally and of its "NYTV" column specifically. We just wish anyone over there had ever, you know, watched an episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show before selecting this particular hed/dek combo:

A Reuters.com headline this morning:

Sadly, it's not at all what you hope it is. Sigh.

Oh, silly Times. What's the one thing we know people are willing to pay for online?

Cheney Hospitalized Briefly With Shortness of Breath [CNN]

At least they had different headlines this time, and our refined eye appreciates the ever-so-slight adjustment to the visual angle. Baby steps, darlings, baby steps.

You know, time zones and all.

Israeli PM Ariel Sharon in Grim Condition

Thank God for subheads. Otherwise we laypeople — and certainly that U.S. general in Iraq — would think more bleeding was a good sign.

Also: The pope is Catholic, according to the general.

We hate it when CNN counterprograms itself.

While we, like much of the world, hopefully await further developments regarding the health of Ariel Sharon, the Israeli prime minister who apparently suffered a major stroke last night, we must also note the odd photo CNN.com chose to illustrate the story this morning.

It's Longhorns in a Texas Twist [NYDN]
A Vin-Stant Classic Win [NYP]

• One Big Miscommunication
• Miscommunication Behind Mine Deaths Mix-Up
• Miscommunication Causes Emotional Outcry at Mining Site
• 'Miscommunication' Led Families to Believe 12 Miners Had Survived
• Miscommunication Provides 'Daily News' With Triple Power Wood Opp

We'd never try to reinvent the tabloid wheel, but really, enough with the "slay." At least 172 usages since September 1, 2005, we think it's safe to suggest you Post headline writers mix it up a bit.

Uncharacteristically, we were at the Garden for this marathon last night. And we're forced to say, in the Post's defense, that as the fucking thing went on and on and on, we probably also lost our ability to spell correctly, too.

And tonight on 360, Anderson talks to senior citizens who just can't figure out how to set that dang VCR.

Because even the most hardened insurgent is tamed by cashmere twinsets and freshwater pearls.