In this world, there are many ways to exercise. Some are actual sports; others are specific types of exercise; all will make you sweat, somehow. We have ranked them in scientific order, based on the following criteria: Physical Difficulty; Amount That You Would Be Humiliated If You Tried to Just Waltz In and Do Them Like Some Big Shot Because You Thought They Would Be Easy; and Overall Hardcoreness. Fake bullshit sports are not included. All rankings are final.

Two recent studies say that people who work a lot of overtime hours are at a higher risk of developing depression than people who work regular hours. This calls for a simple mathematical formula.

The US Army has launched an investigation into workout supplements after two soldiers fell down and died from heart attacks after taking pre-workout boosters like Jack3d and OxyElite Pro, which contain DMAA, a no good very bad/ perfectly safe amphetamine that either gives you heart attacks or is totally innocuous, depending on who you ask.

The New York City Health Department recently inspected 30 Rock's Starbucks and discovered it to be teeming with "live mice." Consequently, the Starbucks serving the stars of NBC received a 'C.' Which other Manhattan Starbucks stores are among the impressively filthy elite?

Neuropsychiatric researchers say that although traditional antidepressants can take weeks to work, depressed patients who are given BANANAS 'PAUSE BUTTON ON YOUR BRAIN' K-HOLE-INDUCING CLUB DRUG KETAMINE A.K.A. SPECIAL K feel relief from their depression "almost instantly." But could huge shots of heroin combined with a baseball bat to the head be equally effective? Ketamine-receiving patients say [just stares at the wall].

The American Cancer Society reported recently that the rate of oral cancer tumors possibly caused by human papillomavirus (HPV) is on an incline.

68-year-old Sen. John Kerry suffered two black eyes and a broken nose playing hockey around New Year's. It's great news for children, who can now throw away the regular terrifying John Kerry Halloween masks they wear every year and buy the new completely horrifying bruised version. (What? Look, the only reason we're making jokes about John Kerry's ugly face is because it's fun.)

Well well well, obesity rates in America are finally "stabilizing," at 112%. Kidding, it's not even 40%. We've managed to avoid a clinically obese majority. This is considered progress. No thanks to you, Paula Deen.

Hello. Let's get right to the point: someday you will die. Maybe you'll sacrifice yourself to save a bus full of nuns, or die bringing food to starving children in a war zone, or pass away at the age of 90, surrounded by an enormous, loving family and all your Nobel prizes. More likely, though, you will get unceremoniously creamed by a fire truck because you couldn't hear its sirens over "How Will I Know":

Did you get a chance to do Crossfit when it was still hardcore? Did you get a chance to do 15 body weigh overhead squats followed by 400-yard sprints for time until you puked, or Tabata intervals until you puked, or sled pulling followed by burpees followed by box jumps followed by muscle-ups, until you puked? If you haven't done it already, it's too late. Crossfit is over.

Haha, get ready, media-savvy internet readers, because the august New York Times, the Grey Lady, the Paper of Record, has written a whole story about big butts (bottoms). Can you imagine the jibes that online rascals without a care in the world for decorum will come up with about this one??? Someone hide the children, other than the ones who like big butts and cannot lie—we're butting into your business butt good, regarding large butts!

In the most recent development of the on going plot to cover-up the CIA's invention of AIDS, the CDC is expanding its program to test bush meat for viruses. The program started two years ago when EcoHealth Alliance, a non-profit, teamed with the CDC to confiscate meat from various airports, including JFK and Dulles. They found all sorts of gross-sounding, probably infectious things:

Outstanding news, terrified Americans who watch too many fearmongering cable news crime stories: for the first time in nearly 50 years, homicide is not one of the top 15 causes of death in America. First a black president, and now this! Why, it's damn near impossible to get anyone to kill you these days. America is a safety festival, and everyone under the age of 75 is invited.

Just as you suspected, nicotine gum and nicotine patches are a crock, a sham, a mockery, a sucker's bet, a shuck and jive, a switcheroo, and a false hope. They do not work. A new study confirms that they are for shit, unless your goal is to make the inside of your lip taste like a Kool soaked in Listerine. Want to really stop smoking? We have done it. More or less. Here's how.

Implant cancer! Brain melting! Autism vaccines! Big tumor! Drug users! Chimera monkeys! Face transplants! Yoga danger! And the future of your baby, made clear! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—but not for long!

The punchline you have been waiting for since Gwyneth Paltrow launched luxury lifestyle cult GOOP has arrived: Now introducing THE GOOP CLEANSE, a Paltrow-branded digestive cleansing kit.

Gather round, horny America: your daily scientific study with the word "sex" in it is here, for everyone to slobber over in a scientifically acceptable way. Riddle me this: who has hotter, sexxxier sex, do you think—hot sexxxy young women whose bodies are taut, tauter, and tautest; or old and wrinkly women?

Kid hormones! Chemical knot! Fish legs! Pigeon counting! Fluid dynamics! Elephant toes! Space station! Snowflake pictures! And a calendar reform motion, debated and denied! It's your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—unsuccessfully!

Like a lazy kid scribbling his homework on the school bus, all the so-called "fitness experts" are stepping off their "Bosu balls" and putting down the "health food" to draw up some "year in fitness" articles. As if. Celebrity veganism? Old people walking more? Okay, grandma, sure thing. That article will go well with your neon leotard and rubber-coated five-pound hand weights you use to do bicep curls. Eschew the lying mainstream fitness media complex! Let us now look back at The Year in Fitness: Super Hardcore Extremes of Truth, Gawker Style (Muscle Time!) edition!

New painkiller! Holiday eating! Gum health! Infant drugs! Fat ladies! Swine flu! Coma boy! Allergy cats! And a foolproof stop smoking plan that just might work! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—fatalistically!