Wisconsin Republican Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner hates how Michelle Obama is constantly forcing sickening Muslim traditions like "vegetables" and "exercise" on the youth of America—especially when she herself is so disgustingly corpulent, in the butt area. He hates it so much he can't even keep quiet about it!
A team of researchers working out of the University of Western Ontario in London, Ontario, have received approval from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to begin clinical trials of an HIV vaccine on humans beginning in January. What makes this vaccine different from the handful of others in development around the world is that it uses dead HIV-1 virus, in a similar methodology that led to vaccines for polio, rabies and hepatitis A.
Forty six billion tweets don't lie: We're collectively getting more depressed. Or at least those of us on Twitter are, judging from our use of sad words like "greed," "terrorist," and "suicide." We've been in a depression spiral since April 2009, according to science. How dismal!
I have a cup on my desk filled with approximately two dozen pens, which at any given time yields a total of maybe one working writing instrument whenever I need it — usually a dull pencil or crayon. That's just my crappy luck. So you'll forgive me if I experience just a twinge of envy when relaying the tale of the 76-year-old woman from England who checked herself into a gastroenterologist's office complaining of diarrhea, only to learn from an CT scan that she had been carrying around a pen inside her for approximately 25 years. And it still wrote.
Neti pots! Sun benefits! Gay marriage! Nuclear death! Celery danger! Heart eyes! Obesity moms! Supplement peril! And holiday hangover cures, right on time! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—every last inch of it!
For years, nay, decades, public health scolds have tried and tried to politely inform the American people that drinking gallon upon gallon of Fanta cola in lieu of water could have negative health effects, including but not limited to the fact that we as a nation are now enormous. But! Now, public health advocates have learned to tap into that most primal fear of Americans: fear of exercise.
Twin surgery! Young insurance! Teen weedheads! Statin flu! Cookie dough! Thin tricks! Working moms! ADHD drugs! And the very latest cigarette news from Eastern Europe! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—sickeningly!
Sugar cereal! Plan B! Nocturnal diabetes! Elderly presidents! Breast cancer! Parkinson's dancing! Bedbug breeding! Marathon hearts! And America's most and least healthy states, revealed! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—grrrrreatly!
Finally, an answer to the question "How do I not die?" No, the answer is not "don't be a fat slob." Be a fat slob! Hey, you only live once—and not for long, in some cases! Just run. Run, run, run. Never stop running, from that monster, The Reaper, He Who Is Called Death.
HIV levels! Generic Lipitor! Arsenic grandmothers! Low B12! Stressed parents! Hospital food! Fire surgery! Foster drugs! And Europeans are a bunch of nasty motherfuckers! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—to death!
Newt Gingrich has attacked Mitt Romney on the issue of the individual health insurance mandate, while chalking up his own past support for the idea as an indiscretion in the 1990's. But as it turns out, those 1990's stretch all the way to 2005 - and beyond, to 2008 - when Gingrich gave as passionate an explanation of the mandate idea as any current supporter could ever muster.
Americans are reportedly 20 pounds heavier, on average, than we were in 1990. Wha? Were people really so fine, in 1990, outside of In Living Color's The Fly Girls? It's okay, though; we've made certain... psychological adjustments. We now have raised our self-reported "ideal weight" by ten pounds. No matter how big we get, our problem is just those last ten pounds! From a new Gallup poll:
By tweaking the H5N1 bird flu virus a bit, a Netherlands-based virologist and his crew have created a highly contagious version that, if ever unleashed upon the general population, could kill millions of us. But don't fret! Their research, like that one Rolling Stones documentary, hasn't been released to the public. At least not yet, anyway.
