At the height of the Second World War, FDR gave a stirring radio address in which he reassured the American public that "no matter how dark the hour, we can take great comfort in knowing that an overpriced gym chain will eventually capitalize on it a decade later with some self-serving, bullshit coupon they damn well know no one will ever use." And what do you know? History has once again gone and repeated itself. Congrats, New York Sports Clubs! You are true patriots, through and through.

Goo analysis! Fetal sex! Science mistakes! Alien search! Lamprey death! NASA crafts! Undersea volcanoes! Solar flare! And the brutal ennui of the Mars Rover! It's your Wednesday Science Watch, where we watch science—down to its gooey center!

If you've eaten at the Olive Garden in Fayetteville, North Carolina, you probably have hepatitis, that's just science. After an employee tested positive for Hepatitis A, hundreds of panicked former customers descended upon the local healthcare clinic for vaccination.

Most college freshmen only find it necessary to be mortified by their roommate, their room decorations, their dorm mates, the difficulty of the classes, their struggles with newfound freedom, their all-too-frequent intoxication, and the overwhelming sense of being a lost and anonymous soul in a brand new environment in which nobody loves them. Now, at least one school is working to ensure that they're also mortified by their own lack of physical fitness. Progress!

The major drug companies have apparently milked the Swine Flu™ pandemic for all that they could, because the World Health Organization today declared that the "H1N1 virus has largely run its course." In a statement, the Director-General said the WHO's Emergency Committee decided on this during a conference call. Oh, but wait — they've left a little nugget of doubt to make sure everyone remains vigilant:

According to a Harvard psychiatrist, about 25% of psychiatric patients don't have anything wrong emotionally, just physically, and treating their illness can cure their mental problems. So, you're not depressed after all, you just have lupus, Lyme disease, or maybe cancer. Yay!

Triathlon danger! Heat death! Twin town! Crazy leaders! Spermless mosquitoes! Teen vaccines! Worthless soy! Old surgery! And the very latest way that you're killing your poor children! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—microscopically!

Scientists have discovered a newer, faster way that smoking can kill you:

Alexander technique! HIV trends! Antidepressant popularity! Imaginary wrinkles! Expensive food! Sick ticks! Scorpion medicine! Elderly genes! And some very special research by scientist perv pornographers! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—maniacally!

Chocolate workout! Smaller gyms! Drummer warrior! Fast pushups! Helen Mirren! Tween athletes! Vegetarian benefits! Heart exercise! And Americans are still fat, all of us! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—plyometrixplosively!

Now that everyone's calmed down after last year's Four Loko craze, it's time for scientific research! Of 11 case studies, "one kid was found on the subway tracks, another was unconscious at school." Yup. Sounds about right.

It seems that everywhere you look these days, someone is telling you how to do fitness wrong. They're telling you the wrong way to pick a trainer, they're telling you the wrong best exercise to do, they're telling you to do things that will kill you. And do you know who is to blame for all of this misinformation? That's right: you.

Finally, a scientific study that we can get behind: Just in time for the last month of summer, the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry published the results of a study by the University of Barcelona and the Spanish National Research Council that claims flavonoids in grapes halt the nasty chemical reaction where UV rays kill skin cells (sunburn). It's as simple as that, really. So all that stuff about drinking too much in the sun is bullshit, as long as you're drinking wine. Bottoms up!

Venezuelan leader and Leo Hugo Chavez has been trying to beat The Cancer for a while now, which has led some people to question his ability to run for reelection next year. This exercise propaganda vid should quash their pessimism right quick.

Hello there, you, sitting in front of your computer! Are you feeling a little embolism-y? You might want to stand up and walk around for a minute before you read this story. Just saying.

Life lives! Bears menace! Phone cancer! Asteroid stowaways! Booby bullies! Lab dangers! Electron dancing! Neanderthal crowding! And dangerous health experiments that you can do at home! It's your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—on the road, baby!

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was hospitalized this morning after he had trouble breathing. He's undergoing tests, but his staff claims he's okay and that his asthma is just acting up. Christie is reportedly overweight.

The bad news: just because those American Spirit cigarettes you're smoking are self-proclaimed "eco-friendly" does not mean that they won't turn your alveoli into tiny tar-filled tunnels of death. The worse news: cigarettes could be as bad for you as hot dogs. Damn.

McDonald's, which for years has played wicked witch to our plump little Hansels and Gretles, has announced that they are making their happy meals a bit healthier. Will this keep our children from having their first aneurisms at 12 years-old?

At first glance this story seems pretty straight forward in the crazy sense: A 63-year-old Los Angeles man who was suffering from a protruding stomach hernia decided he couldn't wait any longer for surgery so he tried to remove it himself. But instead of at least using a sharp object to cut himself open, the man used a butter knife. Shockingly, it didn't work and his wife freaked out and called police. Here's where it gets really good: