Chantix doom! Colon cancer! Fetus drugs! Stem cells! Late talkers! The stroke belt! And women dropping dead at any moment! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—counterproductively!
It's always oddly fascinating to read interviews in which Big Tobacco executives are spoken to like ordinary businessmen rather than like the inhuman monsters that they clearly are. Look, the heartless ogre can talk just like a normal human!
As if Icelanders don't have enough to worry about — a virtually non-existant economy, frequent volcano flare ups and disturbing ways of celebrating husbands — the parliament is set to debate a new law that would make cigarettes only available by prescription. And here you are whining about how hard life is now that smoking in Central Park is banned.
Heart exercise! Male infertility! Blood transfusion! Belly fat! Boomer exercise! Smashing drumsticks! Fidget fitness! UFC games! And the Ultimate Fitness System, revealed! It's your Tuesday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—begrudgingly!
I thought we lived in a free country, where every man, woman, and Botox-plumped toddler was welcome to crisp themselves to their hearts' content inside an ultraviolet convection oven. But our hard-earned tanning bed liberties are in jeopardy, friends, as state lawmakers are mulling over a new law that would restrict their use among the high school-set.
Abortion bans! Mouse hemophilia! Diabetes growth! Botox alternative! HIV testing! Undercover patients! Drug warnings! Weight loss! And having AIDS just got a little harder! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!
News arrives today that fancy gym Equinox is instructing all of its personal trainers to spend the next few weeks getting in extra-good shape, because the company is about to start making them wear fancy new "form-fitting tops" that will be unflattering to anyone with a stray millimeter of body fat. This is fantastic news, because it will cause the vain rich people who go to Equinox to select their personal trainers on the dumbest possible criteria.
A 63-page report from the Food and Drug Administration entitled, "FDA Update on the Safety of Silicone Gel-Filled Breast Implants," has concluded that silicone implants, removed from the market in 1992 amid leakage concerns, are relatively safe. However, one out of five patients will have to have them removed within ten years due to complications associated with "rupture, wrinkling, asymmetry, scarring, pain, and infection." The study also notes a "very small" increased risk of lymphoma. Sexy!
The results of a new study in the New England Journal of Medicine about weight loss will blow your mind. By analyzing the eating and exercise habits of 120,877 people over many years, doctors have concluded that downing a whole bag of potato chips makes you fat faster than just about anything else, ice cream and soda included.
Orrin nutrition! Vitamin ratings! Blackwell jetski! Olean o-fat! Loyalty benefits! Poison competition! Bulgarian method! Supreme diabetes! And MMA workout secrets of the stars! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from the sidelines!
The FDA's main plan to getting Americans to give up the vile weed "tobacco" is to put increasingly nasty photos in increasingly prominent places on cigarette packs, until it simply becomes too socially awkward for anyone to carry around cigarettes. This will not work. But it's entertaining to watch the process! "Entertaining" meaning "nasty."
James Verone, a 59-year-old former truck driver, was having serious medical problems that he couldn't afford to get checked out or treated. If only North Carolina had a free, state-run health-care system!, he thought. Then he realized it does: in prison.
Doctors at a hospital in Australia wrote a letter to the editor of The Medical Journal of Australia that describes a scary new trend ravaging their country: People getting fucked up on hand sanitizer (four instances makes it a trend, right?). But one recent patient, who was being treated for epigastric pain due to excessive drinking, took it to another level:
Oxy challenges! Dog watching! Jillian Michaels! School health-lunch! Sunscreen changes! Syphilis babies! Stroke prevention! Chantix problems! And people everywhere trying super workout programs! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—childishly!
Women "in large swaths of the U.S." aren't living as long as they were just a generation ago, according to experts who study these things. Maybe the women in these "large swaths" should move to other swaths where women live longer. (Quitting smoking and avoiding obesity are also recommended strategies.) [Image NatalieMaynor/via Flickr.]
Alfie Purl, a sheep who lives in England's Cotswolds, is not the head-butting type. So when he went nuts and started bumping his owner—an archeologist named Emma Turner—in the chest one day, Turner "thought there must be something wrong with him."
Fat man surgery! Epilepsy drugs! Apple poison! DASH diet! Survival rates! Zany parenting! Pet allergies! Medication overdose! And breastfeeding because you love life! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—voraciously!
Fish tanks! They seem like such peaceful places. But as 13-year-old Hannele Cox will tell you, they sometimes contain hidden, flesh-eating bacteria that can seriously mess with your health and your life.
