Helmet brains! Weird veneers! Teen pregnancy! Teen car crashes! Impotent fish oil! Blue Collar Yoga! Banana machines! Alzheimer's ladies! Laser faces! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—and it only hurts a little bit!

"Patient Zero," the Los Angeles porn star whose positive HIV test shut down four studios, apparently did not affect any of his or her partners. The first round of tests, at least, indicates as much.

Everything bad is good for you: It turns out that getting drunk really quickly makes you less likely to become an alcoholic. Sadly, boozehounds, you can't just pound a bunch of drinks; you need special inebriation genes to avoid addiction.

Sweat lodges! Tuna poisoning! Viagra dystrophy! Doctor impatience! Strength in adversity! Missing marathons! Alcohol benefits! Obesity costs! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—icthyologically!

One in 22 black Americans will get HIV in their lifetime.

Your filthy iPad is an excellent vector for transmitting influenza and other viruses, scientists say. In fact, if it's anywhere near as bacteria infested as a cell phone, you should be fairly disgusted to share the Apple tablet without sterilization.

Miner diet! Nutrition labels! Hispanic lifespan! Diet clothes! Broken backs! Dope drugs! And walking minds! It's your Thursday health watch, where we watch your health—and chew gum, simultaneously!

Finally, something that makes movie theater popcorn even more unhealthy! The Flavor Funnel is a "long, plastic gizmo that's stuck in the middle of popcorn containers" and distributes butter more evenly. Let's just coat the whole thing in chocolate, too.

Today's Oprah Winfrey Show asked, "Are you normal?" and Winfrey had on Dr. Oz to discuss people's gross habits. What did we learn? Winfrey looks at her poop after going. Then, she and Oz popped a giant zit. Video inside.

Marathon knees! Sports psychology! Biggest Loser workouts! Kettlebell ignorance! Football training! Booty fat! And the path to elite eliteness! It's your Wednesday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—dismissively, jealously, or, both!

Twin discrimination! Sexing to success! Kiddie irony! Erasing wrinkles! Beating obesity! Late night fat! Insomnia menopause! Blindness progress! And bilingualism! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in English, y en Español (poquito)!

San Jose Mercury News reporter Chris O'Brien was skeptical of the link between mobile phones and brain tumors. Then he talked to a Harvard professor, and started reading — not just research, but his frighteningly cautious BlackBerry manual.

Glenn Beck's going to be taking some time off next week to get some hospital tests done for "problems with feeling in his hands and feet." But he said the real problem could be "spiritual wounds." Wacky explanation video below!

President Obama spoke at a rally at Bowie State University in Maryland today. Two dozen people "started fainting and became dizzy," and two were taken to hospitals. Ergo, Barack Obama is a Muslim. Err...a socialist. Err... just plain sickening. [Pic]

The New Scientist, which interviewed the lead developer of the software, said the tool could allow advertisers to save money by avoiding shooting multiple to account for varying "standards of beauty... across cultures." It could also enhance actor health:

"Abs in a Box." Abs in a tube. Ab makeup. Ab surgery. America! Abdicate your ab addiction!

This may come as a shock, but many people treat thin women better than heavier women. I know—it seems unbelievable! But it's not just that thin women are treated better—they also make more money. How much more?

We always thought 'rolfing' was what you did after doing four tequila shots in a Daytona Beach sports bar. Turns out it's a violent and painful, New Age-y massage technique. And it's having a moment. Let's all get rolfed!

Prescription drug roundup! Binge drinking cancer kids! Cell phone food yakkers! Air pollution breasts! Recipe for divorce! Ironman goes soft! Football brain damage! Home dialysis! Cancer food! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—hazily!

Laptop burns! Pizza frequencies! Drug trial speed! Knife-throwing wonder! Drill-less cavities! Rabies alert! Minorities in science! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—so single-mindedly we scarcely notice the hot item roasting our poor flesh!