Distracted driving! Farmer's foods! Punjabi sports! Lifeguard texting! Halal beef beef! Free water! Greek yogurt! Cold virus obesity! And the indomitable spirit of the human soul! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with intervals of approval!

Sharp-eyed readers may have noticed that dog-loving New York Post columnist Cindy Adams has been absent from the paper for months. She was sick! Now she's back! With a deeply disturbing column of hospital erotica.

Miami police this week arrested a woman for posing as a doctor and injecting another woman's butt cheeks to make them "look perfect." It didn't turn out so well — the victim passed out from the pain and almost died.

Superbugs! Libido lack! Depressed students! Football brain! Dumb food docs! Marines with cancer! Whooping cough! Headline minds! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—as best we can, through the fog of concussion!

If your eyeball pops out, don't shove it back in, says CNN's popular new article "What to Do When Body Parts Fall Off." It's the Things Fall Apart of health articles. Let's enhance it with a DO and DON'T guide.

DaiJyoBu Ginger Candy is being recalled in California due to "an elevated level of lead." Nice.

The Iowa farm that recently recalled 500 million eggs tainted with salmonella, Wright County Egg, over a two-year period detected salmonella in 426 samples at its facilities, according to investigators. But the FDA doesn't require notification of salmonella detection. Nice.

Only those with the steeliest of stomachs should proceed. What you are about to see is video of a living 2-cm worm crawling beneath the surface of a lady's twitching eyeball, then getting extracted. It was there for six years.

Sheyla Hershey—recipient of the largest fake breasts in the world, size 38KKK—has finally had all four implants removed after they nearly killed her. Her natural breast tissue was so damaged, doctors had to remove most of that, too.

Botox shox! Stem cell freedom! Michelle my belle! Chronic fatigue! Fatigue of chronic! Chinese babies! Eat more veggies! Body blow! Body blow! Body blow! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—on our way out of town!

The health benefits of popular green tea drinks: bullshit. Add it to the list.

Dr. Harriet Hall, a former Air Force flight surgeon who writes about debunking medical quackery, landed a column in Oprah's O Magazine last year. Now, it's been dropped. Dr. Harriet Hall did not enjoy the experience at all.

Today we looked at the relative healthiness of New Yorkers. Yay!, we all said. Well, all of us except one foreign commenter who begged to differ. Agree? Disagree? Again, it's all relative.

NYC's stressed! And obese! And un-restauranty! Vending machines kill! Personal trainers chill! Depression is ill! The dentist is for girls! Medical student hobos! Money and happiness! Punches in the nose! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, watching your health—degenerating!

A new study indicates that psilocybin—which you may know by the "street name" magic mushrooms—can help cancer patients alleviate anxiety and depression some six months after the initial dose. Illegal drugs: Totally good for you!

A new study in the British Journal of Psychology found that only 23% of Britons have no 'personality pathology'. Strange is the new normal, or something. While this would explain England's colonialism and obsession with darts, it seems pretty fishy.

Psychosis drugs! Botox drugs! Chimpanzee hugs! Diet drugs! Porno fugs! Malaria drugs! Teenage shrugs! And dementia drugs! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—and wealth, and knowledge of self!

People who drink heavily have lower mortality rates than those who don't drink at all, according to a new study. Why? Could be because they're way more fun at parties. No, really! Science says so!

Warning: this video may make you cry. Here's Selinah, a woman afflicted with AIDS. She agreed to be filmed once a day for 90 days. But as heavy as the subject is, we get a happy ending here. Watch inside.

Another day, another reason to be astounded by the good health and long life of New Yorkers—known to be the most fit and attractive Americans of all. How is the indefatigable cut of our jib wowing scientists now?