The average teenager sends nearly 3,000 texts a month. Experts say that kids these days are literally addicted to texting. Wow. Talk about a shitty addiction. Where's the glamor? We have the formula for breaking this useless, unsexy addiction.

A Polish man was shot in the head five years ago. Only, he was really drunk, and didn't realize until doctors X-rayed him. This year. Think back to all the times you've been drunk: Have you maybe been shot before?

PMS decoded! Neurosurgery! Stapled peptides! Ants on McDonald's! Eggs that kill! More smoking cancer! Chronic fatigue solved! And gluten-free crapola! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—consuming Wheaties by the barrel!

Couples cannot figure out how to sleep together. Teens are too wired to slumber. And celebrities think they're so special they don't even need to sleep. Does this sleep crisis threaten to destroy America? You could say that, yes.

Drunk in the gym! Greedy-ass yoga! Ab assistance! Chocolate for your health! Pro athletes without athletics! And the Twitter diet, phase two! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—but not in that skeevy David Barton way!

Have you heard about the half-billion eggs recalled over the salmonella outbreak? Well, it turns out the Iowa producer has a history of abusing hens, paying fines for health violations and settling complaints that it's a "sexually hostile work environment."

An earthquake's coming! Junk DNA is mutating! The moon was shrinking! Happiness is thinking! Active cities are slimming! A galactic volcano's exploding! And the ocean is dying! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—until it collapses, inevitably!

Tai chi benefits! Robot knee replacements! Breast surgery discussions! Wrinkle cream scams! Cross-eyed kids! Diet Coke pregnancy! Smoking in movies! Hyper-ass pesticides! And terror-ass terror birds! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—peckin' and puffin!

That Iowa farm recall of 228 million eggs? Make that 380 million, after salmonella outbreaks were reported at the farm's facilities.

A new study says that less than one-third of baby boys in US hospitals last year were circumcised—down from 56% in 2006, and about two-thirds in the 80s and 90s. Just letting you know, lest anyone get surprised. [NYT]

Scientists on vacation! Sickos on the internet! Studies on sex! Studies on babies! Smelling on Gladiators! Beets on drugs! Science on artichokes! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—five senses at a time!

Winnie Langley, a 102-year-old smoker from Britain, died recently and only stopped smoking cigarettes when she couldn't see the end of a match. She started smoking at age eight to relieve stress brought on by the First World War.

Sex vs. dieting! Childhood obesity debates! Bamboo bikes! Genius t-shirts! Swimming while criminal! And an easy way to beat anger, for stupid jerks! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while ignoring our own!

Still hungry after last month's 2,300-calorie Mac & Cheese Quesadilla and footlong cheeseburgers? Try the latest American chain restaurant abomination: Denny's Fried Cheese Melt, in which deep-fried breaded cheese is embedded in more cheese, more bread, and fried again.

Hospitals in Britain are on alert after a new drug-resistant "superbug" was found in around 50 patients, many of whom recently had cosmetic surgery in Pakistan and India. Experts warn it coud produce infections that are "almost impossible to treat."

When Massachusetts man Ron Sveden was rushed the hospital after spending months coughing, he expected to receive a cancer diagnosis. So you can imagine his relief when it turned out to be a "half-inch" pea plant growing in his lung.

New Alzheimers test! DNA for cancer! Grownups with pediatricians! Questions about statins! Patella band analysis! The science of sleep! And belly fat of doom! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—or do we?

Nurses: can you trust them? Of course not. Don't be a fool. Sure, they may save your life; but if you think they're not going to gossip about you on Facebook afterwards, you're naive. It's been documented!

A new study shows that more young girls are reaching puberty at very young ages—a significant portion of them by the age of seven. What's going on in this crazy mixed-up world? Are stereotypes to blame?

Just as Vitaminwater might not actually be a magical elixir, "toning shoes" probably don't give you a tight ass and sculpted legs like the manufacturers tell you they do. What is this world coming to?