It's time for another excerpt from Don't Hassel the Hoff (St. Martin's Press, May 15), the autobiography of one of the world's most loved entertainers. In this installment, the Hoff hits on Heather Mills for some completely inexplicable reason.

HEATHER Mills has been bombarded with offers of work on American TV since her success on Dancing With The Stars. Sir Paul McCartney's estranged wife has been invited to be a stand-in host on CNN's Larry King Live.

Last night, Larry King (fresh out of the hospital!) had a very special guest on his show: one-legged Heather Mills, recently committed to a season of Dancing With the Stars. Of course, Larry couldn't resist pulling out the clip from his 2002 interview with Heather, in which she very kindly removed her leg (the fake one!) for him to stroke. Fortunately, he's well aware of the cultural impact of this "historic moment."

Writing from London, where the fists are flying, Post gossip dowager Cindy Adams does some intense man-on-the-street coverage of the Mills-McCartney divorce:

• This is what happens when you tell him "Band on the Run" is rubbish. [TMZ]
  

• Heather Mills McCartney did not take part in pricey orgies with Arabs because she was a call girl. She did it for free, and for the love. [R&M]
• Madonna ends her friendship with Britney Spears because of Spears' flight from Kabbalah. Also because she's incompetent white trash. And that scrunchie ain't helping, either. [Scoop]
• In regards to said scrunchie, Spears tells Matt Lauer she's a "wreck." Oh, we know, honey. [IMDb]
• Jack Black and wife Tanya Haden present the world with newborn baby boy — but because of that Shiloh bitch, nobody's going to make a dime. [Us Weekly]
• Oprah Winfrey makes an appearance at producer LA Reid's 50th birthday party, but when Harpo goes out, she goes large, partying at Nobu 57 until 2:30 in the morning. And you just know she was surrounded by hos, bling, and Cristal. [Page Six]
• Costume designer Patricia "Don't call me Betsey" Field quits The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing, reportedly because of Alec Baldwin's behavior and intolerable hirsuteness. [Lowdown]