YOU GUYS. POOR LAUREN. OMG. So, on last night's "The Hills," Lauren's ex-BF Jason totally drops the "I do want you to meet my girlfriend" bomb on Lauren, even though it completely seemed like he and Lauren might get back together? And even worse? He's all, We're moving in together, come to our housewarming party? And then at the housewarming party, they're like, Oh, yeah, we're TOTALLY ENGAGED, and you could just see the hurt in Lauren's eyes and you SO wanted to give her a hug and maybe punch Jason! Why are guys such jerks? Also, Heidi's all trying on wedding dresses for her engagement to Spencer and then she find out HE HAS SO TOTALLY NOT EVEN TOLD HIS PARENTS ABOUT THE WEDDING. And she's like, Why? Are you embarrassed by me? And he doesn't say anything, but you can fully tell the answer is either, Yes, you're a total bitch or No, it's because I am secretly gay. Sigh. We, like, hate Heidi so much, but the look on her face is JUST SO SAD. So sad.

OH. MY. GOD. YOU. GUYS. Last night's "The Hills"? So, like, Lauren and ex-BF Jason are spending time together again and even though nothing's happened yet, it's like totally clear that it could? So they go to super-hot restaurant Ketchup? And who walks in right after them but HEIDI AND SPENCER? And everyone's like totally shocked even though this is a completely scripted drama? And there is like MAJOR uncomfortableness between them because HEIDI AND SPENCER SUCK? So the next day at work Heidi comes in and starts telling Elodie about it? And Elodie's all, Why do you think that is? And Heidi's all hurt and confused? Maybe she doesn't realize it's because SHE'S A TOTAL BITCH? Anyway, OH. MY. GOD.

So, last night on "The Hills"? Heidi's co-worker Elodie is all, hey, there's a job open here with like a total office and I'm so going for it? And Heidi stole the job? And then Elodie came into Heidi's new office and was all, Hi, how are you doing in the office that should have been mine? And Heidi was like, I'm sorry, but you could tell she so totally was not? What a BITCH! It's, like, fully Spencer's bad influence on her, right?

The Hills' Heidi Montag is on the cover of the October issue of CosmoGirl, and the accompanying article (a Q&A with both Heidi and her boyfriend Spencer Pratt) is, we suppose, meant to set the record straight regarding Heidi and Spencer's relationship and their enmity towards Heidi's ex-BFF Lauren Conrad. But we came away from it feeling even more like Spencer has fully completed his takeover of Heidi's brain. Spencer is "smart, funny, sweet, genuine, and a great businessman. He's my dream guy!" Heidi gushes. "I could start crying right now when I think of being without Spencer." Crazy! Then they start trashing Lauren Conrad, and that's when things start getting really good.

Last night on MTV's The Hills, some stuff happened with regards to the neverending fight between girl-star Lauren and former BFF Heidi and her BF Spencer. (The contextual details are getting too mundane, even for us; and don't worry, you don't need them.) But we also got a glimpse of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's domestic bliss—or lack thereof. We don't take it as a positive sign that she can't even get him to look up from his computer to help her fold a couple of towels! Then Spencer has to make sure that when he lets Heidi out of his sight she's not dining with the enemy. Chauvinist control freaks are the best!

Perhaps you have noticed that I am obsessed with the MTV "reality" show The Hills. It seems like a lot of you are, too! And, like, every celebrity magazine, and even Real Newspapers, are too. At first, it sort of seemed like a joke, like a so-bad-it's-good sort of thing. We were only being ironic as we watched! But now we think there's something not at all ironic at work here.

Last night on The Hills, Heidi took Spencer to visit her parents in Colorado. They live in Crested Butte, in the middle of nowhere, in a pretty small house, and own a restaurant in "town," which is like one street. At one point, Spencer calls his best dude Brody and is all, "She is from a different world." Heh. Throughout the show, Heidi's parents try to figure out what went wrong between her and her former best friend Lauren (this was filmed after the allegations that Spencer and Heidi had leaked Lauren's sex tape had come out, and Heidi's new nose and boobs had been plastered all over the tabloids), and gently suggest that maybe spending all her time with Spencer isn't such a good idea. But it's the scene where Heidi's parents take Heidi and Spencer out to dinner at their restaurant that let them see his true colors for themselves. Which is to say: He's a crazy, possessive maniac!

Last night on MTV's The Hills, we finally understood how someone like Spencer Pratt can wear someone like Heidi Montag down—she's young and (by some standards) beautiful, and yet totally, completely insecure and not very bright. Spencer is an ass, and an idiot, but he's managed to manipulate the bejeezus out of Heidi in the way that some guys seem to have been born to know how to do. Last night he came up with the most evilly brilliant line, one that will undoubtedly be used immediately by controlling manipulators nationwide. Whether you are the manipulator or the manipulatee, watch and learn.

The Hills' harlot Heidi Montag and her creepy, trash-talking, gross fiancé Spencer Pratt have been ordered to stop doing press by MTV, after they bashed Lauren Conrad on Ryan Seacrest's radio show. THERE IS A GOD. Now if we could just get the paparazzi off of them, and maybe make them live in a cave, our lives would be complete. We have to say, though, that MTV trying to muzzle the monster they created strikes us as not only ironic, but maybe... a tad hypocritical?

We hear that Vinnie Potestivo, the director of talent at MTV, just quit. He's the guy who casts their reality shows and, we presume, babysits Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag all day. (Also, we hear his boss left last week—so is there anyone left at MTV in development and casting?)

• Reminder: Monday is Paris Hilton Goes To Jail Day! [R&M]
  

'The Hills' "stars" Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are engaged to be married. Pay attention to them! P.S. He is a monster. [Us Weekly]