Poor Regis Philbin. All old and befuddled and never having any idea what's going on. Save, of course, the occasional moment when some dim spark will fire in his brain and he'll remember a few tidbits that his producer fed him before an interview. Today Regis and Live! co-host Kelly Ripa chatted with The Hills' Lauren Conrad about being on a reality show. Regis exasperatedly demanded explanation for her break-up with ex-boyfriend Jason. Then, after Kelly mentioned Heidi Montag, Lauren's ex-best friend, Reeg plaintively, and without explanation, intoned that he misses old Heidi. Finally, out of nowhere he remembered that Montag was on an episode of Jimmy Kimmel in which she said that she prays for Lauren. Regis reminded Lauren of this, in bellowing fashion, without any sort of follow-up question. It must be so awkward to be a guest on this show. Kelly, I never thought I'd say this, but you're a saint. Video after the jump.

Oh noes!! You've gone and hurt Heidi Montag's feelings. It seems that when you said nasty things about the video for her new single "Higher" the reality star, of The Hills fame, cried herself to sleep. But don't worry, boyfriend/manager Spencer Pratt comforted her by saying, "This is just part of being an artist. If it were easy, everyone would be a pop star." Aww that's true! Even though they kind of tried to do it easily by making a video which they readily admit took 20 minutes to shoot and cost them zero dollars. Either way, I guess she'll be crying all the way to the bank, because "Higher" is number 7 on this week's iTunes pop charts. That many people want a freak show? Well then how come Paris Hilton's new, terrible movie The Hottie & the Nottie did so abysmally at the box office last weekend?

[The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt at LAX this weekend; image via Bauer-Griffin]

The new Heidi Montag song and video "Higher" has just premiered on iTunes and Montag and her scheming, bulbous boyfriend Spencer Pratt (both from MTV's The Hills) went on Perez TV to chat about it. Spencer says: "The quality of music and the music video have never been seen before." That's what they said of Baby Mozart as well! Well, except for the video part! [Perez Hilton]

The vacant amalgamation of tits and teeth that is Heidi Montag, star of MTV's The Hills, and her boyfriend/demon lover Spencer Pratt have settled into some mystery deal with paparazzi company Pacific Coast News that pays the couple money for them to let the company's photographers catch them in completely unscripted moments of photogenic bliss. Jossip thought it might be a scoop. In a recent post they report: "We’re hearing very good information that the agency cut a deal with The Hills‘ Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. PCN gets access the couple, staged shots...while Heidi and Spencer get to be seen in positive light." Oh yeah? Well, we're hearing very good information that Robert DeNiro has cut a deal with the deli near his Tribeca loft. DeNiro gets access to premade sandwiches of turkey and cheese while the deli receives kickbacks in the sum of the cost of said sandwich ingredients plus labor!!!! How do you like them apples, Jossip? After the jump some totally candid shots of the couple taken by PCN and an exclusive look at a sandwich similar to the one Robert DeNiro may or may not have eaten!

An under-the-table relationship between paparazzi and B-list celebrities? For shame! Jossip reports that Pacific Coast News has a "business relationship" with The Hills' Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt that gives them a cut of the revenue from each vapid shot they provide. Nothing is sacred. [Jossip]

[Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, two stars of the MTV "reality" series "The Hills" attend the "Cloverfield" premiere in Los Angeles last night; image via Splash]

• Hills victim Heidi Montag has a new set of lips to suck with. [US Magazine]

It continues to be so on between 'Hills' co-stars Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad. When the two ran into each other at a Hollywood hotspot last weekend, some serious gauntlets were thrown down, says US Weekly. Lauren, Audrina and Lo totally had a dance off against Heidi and her peeps, OMG! No word as to who won, but we suspect they couldn't hold a candle to the "Saved by the Bell" kids during that dance-off-at-the-Max episode. [US]

"The Hills" stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will not get married! According to US Weekly: "Montag says, 'We're just going back to being boyfriend and girlfriend...' as Pratt interjects, without mockery, '...when our relationship was flawless.'" Tears of blood streamed from Pratt's beady eyes, Montag sadly burped bubbles and wept sparkly glitter, but perhaps this is all for the best! Montag didn't like the ring anyway: "I turned it into a pendant. It wasn't my dream ring. I don't like what it represents. I might sell it." And how much do you wanna bet that Spencer Pratt is going to get a cut from that sale? Other benefits from the broken engagement? Well, this is exactly the kind of stuff from which great pop music comes! Think Blood on the Tracks but Montag-style!

• Heidi Montag's song 'Touch Me' is online and it makes you realize how talented Britney Spears is. [P*r*z, sorry!]
  

In the latest issue of Blender, Chris Norris, who co-authored The Wu-Tang Manual with the RZA, takes a hard deep look into the vacant eyes of The Hills' Heidi Montag and the Slytherin-irises of her erstwhile beau Spencer Pratt. In the manner of a Zen koan, there is both so much and so little there.

Surprise, Heidi! Spencer totally packed your bags for you and booked the honeymoon suite in Vegas! Aren't you beyond psyched! Well, no. "This is about me, too ... this isn't Spencer's relationship." she told him, before saying that they should "think about [the wedding] longer." Then some sad music played! You know what that means: be sad.

It was bound to happen eventually and, last night, it did: 'The Hills' heroine L. C. faced off with her archnemesis Heidi at a party. Heidi made friendly overtures but Lauren wouldn't talk to her unless she apologized. But Heidi maintained that she hasn't done anything wrong! (She did. Sex tape, something something). There was a lot of meaningful blinking and music that told you how to feel. Then Lauren said two profound and true things: "Having your boyfriend do your dirty work for you doesn't make you innocent" and "You're a bad person." She may not be smart, but she is a good judge of character.

"The journalistic culture in which columnists were the only ones allowed to have a personality, and everyone else's bylines were practically interchangeable, is practically gone," wrote Doree Shafrir in the New York Observer yesterday about how "personal branding" has infected even that holiest of holies, the New York Times. She uses the success of former 'TV Newser' turned Times blogger Brian Stelter as an example of the reversal of protocol that's recently taken place—reporters must now market themselves as specialists from the jump, instead of spending time working different beats until finding a comfortable "sincecure" later in life, in order to prevent themselves from being seen as interchangeable and therefore, redundant. The piece is exactly the kind of thinky, finger-on-pulse thing we've come to expect from Doree Shafrir, who also really likes 'The Hills'!

Guys! GUYS! Totes such hotness on "The Hills" last night! The gang all went out to Las Vegas to surprise Brody for his birthday and Lauren FULLY KISSED HIM? I think they may be getting back together! How great is that!? Lauren so deserves love!?! Meanwhile, Audrina TOTALLY THREW A BITCH FIT at her friends and some guy who is only wearing a towel because she thinks the rest of the girls are all, Don't date Justin Ricky Lee Harvey John Wayne Bobby, but you know what? They were just trying to be friendly to him. And also?!?

• The 'Hills' star dishes about the 'thoughts' that crossed her 'mind' right before her breast augmentation and rhinoplasty surgery: "Right before I went in, I was like, What if I don't wake up? Oh, this is scary. Then I thought, I don't care. If I don't wake up, it's worth it. I just wanted it so badly." [Us Weekly]
  

Comcast speaks truth to power. [The Daily Barf]

There's no way of knowing whether this is real or not, but if this purported registry at Tiffany for "The Hills" cast members Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag is the real thing, they've set a date for June 1, 2008... just in time to film a fourth season, should there be one! (Maybe not with Lauren, eh?) We're springing for the PEARL goblet, which will produce an incredibly satisfying smashing sound when Heidi finally throws it at Spencer's head. [Tiffany]