Somali pirates: Conservationists.

San Francisco Supervisor Chris Daly's 2010 resolution is to say "fuck" at every city meeting.

Balloon dad Richard Heene reports to jail today. He's still insisting the whole thing wasn't a hoax. Pitiful. Man up, Richard; you're the greatest sci-fi hoaxer since Orson Welles did War of the Worlds. You're just less popular. [CP]

German reporter to Senator Jim Inhofe: "You're ridiculous."

Currently, Jeremy Paul Olson languishes in a Minnesota jail for the crime of throwing tomatoes at Sarah Palin today. Although he missed Palin's face, Jeremy struck a chord strung through the center of our heart: Who are you, brave tomato-thrower?

The bad thing about yesterday was that state politicians in Albany—the center of heterosexual evil in the Northeast—voted down gay marriage. The shiny silver lining was that we met State Sen. Diane Savino, new speechifying hero of equality!

Well-known fact: Hero naval captain Richard Phillips is the biggest hero next to Sully, due to his heroic act of getting rescued from Somali pirate hijackers. So why is his ungrateful crew staging a retroactive mutiny?

What is on the agenda of Philadelphia's most popular hero, Arthur Kade? "I need to practice riding horses, spear fighting, and sword fighting." Just like Napoleon Dynamite! But did Napoleon fend off thrown vagina with the ease of Kade?

The clean-cut hero and his wife revealed a smuttier side in an interview with Matt Lauer to be aired on Thursday. Wash your mouth out Sully! And give that mustache a rinse too. Who knows where it's been.

Here is big fancy comedian David Letterman last night, mocking the relaxed on-the-scene reporting style of beloved NY1 animal-handling journalist Roger Clark. Mr. Letterman, that man you so heartlessly deride is an excellent bowler.

Unflappable (except by geese, ha) hero pilot Chesley Sullenberger is not sitting idly by while fancy writer William Langewiesche (pron. "Lain-guh-wees-chay-guevara") offers up his trashy "scientific theories" about Sully's famous crashed plane. Everyone listen, Sully is saying something confrontational!

Philadelphia heartthrob Arthur Kade, on the new Amelia Earhart biopic: "It was like watching Arthur Kade in the [1930s] with a vagina and shorter hair." He's good, he's really good! Why, these words could have come from the aviatrix herself:

You're a cop, you're on your way to get your car fixed. You hear there's a shooter at Fort Hood, and then what? You're supposed to respond. It's your job. But could you do what Sgt. Kimberly Denise Munley did?

Just a few hours after Joe Girardi steered the Yankees to a World Series victory last night, he helped rescue a woman who'd smashed her car on the Hutchinson River Parkway. [NYDN]

Wal-Mart is now offering coffins for sale on their website, at reasonable prices. The winner here: Consumers, who can save hundreds or thousands of dollars by buying their coffins at Walmart.com. Once again, Wal-Mart's low prices help American families save.

So. What is crazy accidental Illinois Senator Roland Burris up to, these days? Oh, just Senate stuff, you know. Talking about health care. Giving speeches. Asking utterly insane questions at pointless hearings about imaginary Czars.

Peter Criss, the original drummer for KISS, survived breast cancer and understandably feels very lucky.

If imitation's the highest form of flattery, what's the action figure? The pint-sized likeness, once dominated by the likes of G.I. Joe, has become playground to the political elite. And now Michelle Obama's joining the plasticine ranks.