Ice-cold saintly hero pilot Chesley Sullenberger didn't blink after the engines on his plane failed, forcing him into a death-defying river landing. The passengers, on the other hand, were totally freaked the fuck out. Book excerpt, ho!

Barney Frank has long been described as the Democrat's most witty lawmaker, but that may soon change, because Alan Grayson's on an amusingly incendiary roll. He learns quick, yes, but could it bite him in the ass?

Of all of Courtney Love's addictions, we're glad that Frances Bean Cobain has taken up her "ranting on the internet" addiction. You have got to check out her Twitter smackdown of Ali Lohan. Daddy would be so proud.

You know who was a good leader, according to Forbes "Leadership" columnist Sangeeth Varghese? Hitler. Showed a lot of gumption in WW1. And civil improvement? He was big on civil improvement. Of course, he had his drawbacks.

"There aren't a whole lot of people in culture that are unapologetically masculine." This sentence was uttered by Tucker Max, in response to a question from Carson Daly last night. Again: Tucker Max, Carson Daly, unapologetic masculinity. That is all.

Its new shows are in the toilet and it conceded a huge chunk of its prime time lineup to Jay Leno's horrid chatfest. How does the network rebound? By purchasing a new game show! The future holds nothing but death.

Some twisted soul posted a Facebook poll yesterday asking whether or not President Obama should be assassinated. Obviously that's a big no-no, and now Facebook and the Secret Service have joined forces to form an elite crime fighting team.

Irving Picard has the thankless job of divvying up the remaining crumbs of Bernie Madoff's empire among the Madoff victims. But Irving Picard is going to be much more popular now that he's finally suing Madoff's family, for everything.

Though there were signs that it wasn't going to last after the first year, we stuck around, willing to work hard to keep the love alive. However, after three long years, it's finally over. We're not tuning in anymore.

Let's not forget that the hero Iraqi Shoe Hurler was a journalist before he became a footwear projectilist. A certain portion of his colleagues think he disgraced his profession. They're wrong. Let's go to Muntader's brand new explanatory op-ed!

Ululate your huzzahs, counterimperialist warriors: Shoe-hurling Iraqi journalist Muntader al-Zaidi is free from prison. Where he was tortured. So, Muntader, tell us, are you going to Disney World or what?

We may have a new hero: Miyuki Hatoyama. While boring first ladies like Michelle and Carla like to remain prim and proper, Miyuki enjoys breaking boundaries, like confessing she was kidnapped by aliens.

So, single gal Kourtney Kardashian's with child. While some people will shake a finger at the 30-year old's apparent irresponsibility, her friend and reality show costar Erica Mena calls double-K a "role model." Oh, really?

Super-special "strike teams" have been put in place to protect broadcast towers from LA's fire.

A mere three detectives are working on the Michael Jackson case.

The lights were set to go out on the Los Angeles County Museum of Art's weekend film program. But then some deep-pocketed angels came down to give it a helping hand! Let us rejoice!

President Obama will take some time off from golfing tomorrow to announce that he wants the Bush-appointed Ben Bernanke, who some say saved our country from absolute economic ruin, to lead the Fed for another term. [NY Times]

Hero Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett, who bravely took a beating from a violent thug after intervening to help an innocent citizen, is speaking, humbly! He says everyone would have done what he did. Go on you, tell us another one!

This is the new path to success: quit Wall Street, drive a cab, and then make it big in the TV business. Are you listening, laid off derivatives traders? It works!