Papa Roach frontman Jacoby Shaddix told Hit the Floor magazine a bunch of his "firsts": his first pet (Banooch, who ran out into the road and was hit by a car and died), when he first felt his band had "made it," and most importantly, his first kiss.

You should probably think twice before borrowing erotica from your local public library. I mean, for the obvious reasons, but also because Belgian scientists recently found a library copy of Fifty Shades of Grey bearing trace amounts of herpes. And do you really think that's an isolated incident?

A colony of Herpes-infected Rhesus monkeys, flinging their feces and viral loads through Florida, now pose an official public health threat to the Sunshine State.

A 28-year-old woman who walked away from a May 7 Rihanna concert with a face full of herpes is suing MAC Cosmetics, alleging that she contracted the virus from a shade of special Rihanna-themed lipstick she sampled at a MAC popup shop she visited while attending the singer's performance at the Barclays Center.

The brief Mr. Kim Kardashian Kris Humphries is being sued by a woman who claims he gave her herpes.

A jury in Oregon last week awarded a 49-year-old dental hygienist $900,000 for the pain and suffering she's had to endure since contracting genital herpes following a hook up with a retired dentist she met online.

Poor Marcus Bachmann. The gleefully gay-seeming, possibly pushy, highly catty Christian therapist husband of Michele Bachmann suffered two humiliations this week: First, his wife called out his doggie sunglasses shopping spree on live TV. Then, the famously press-conscious fashion fiend ("All I want to know is what they're saying about me," he told New Yorker reporter Ryan Lizza) was forced to stand next to Michele in the critical final moments of her campaign with a giant cold sore on his mouth! Must have been the stress. Tasteful doggie eyewear is not easy to find in Des Moines.

That damn equine herpes outbreak has cut the number of visitors to the Memorial Day Classic weeklong horse show in LA down to about half of what they usually are. But why are people so scared? It can't spread to humans, anyway. From the LA Times:

There's trouble in Farmington City, Utah, as you can clearly tell by this headline on the website of local NBC affiliate KSL-TV: "Horse herpes outbreak forces rodeo queens to ride stick ponies."

Beyond happiness! Dangerous hospitals! Depressed moms! Tinnitus findings! Morgellon's disease! Skin cancer! Binge drinking! Horse herpes! And coffee men for good prostate love! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—creepily!

Beverly Hills real estate investor George Saadian has been ordered to pay his soon-to-be ex-wife, Kathrin $2.4 million in damages after cheating and contracting herpes, which he promptly spread to her. Herpes really is the gift that keeps on giving!

Have you ever risen from slumber to find a giant herpe on your lip? If so, last night's Office must've been cathartic for you, because Michael Scott shares your pain. Watch him tell all of his ex-girlfriends about his disease.

Jersey Shore creator SallyAnn Salsano says she hands out herpes medication Valtrex "like M&Ms" to "everyone on the set." She also called the show a "herpes nest." Don't forget to brush your teeth after you vomit! [THR via NYP]

"Friends with benefits," more like, "friends with herpes." According to one not-at-all-fearmongering researcher, having sex with your friends can speed up the spread of STDs. We recommend the tried-and-true "blogger method" of STD prevention, "never have sex, ever." [CNN]

As if it wasn't annoying enough that you have hang your head in shame every time a cold sore appears on your lip: According to a new study, the herpes simplex virus is a possible cause of Alzheimer's, too. But at least Katie Holmes will one day have a great excuse for forgetting about those years she spent as Mrs. Tom Cruise. [NYDN]

"More than one-fourth of adult New Yorkers — 26 percent, compared to the national average of 19 percent — are infected with herpes simplex virus 2, the virus that causes genital herpes, the city’s Department of Health and Mental Hygiene announced on Monday." [Times]

Another (self identified) REAL Starbucks employee has come forward to give us a peek behind the coffee company's chipper training day iron curtain of enthusiasm. This tipster confirms that Tuesday's mandatory job training was, in fact, for nerds, but then rises to a stirring defense of the company. The argument: "Sure, I got a nasty case of herpes on my hand because management is too cheap to buy more than one pair of rubber dishwashing gloves for a staff of fifteen. But hey, I'm insured to the hilt, so the Valtrex to quell said herpes is deeply discounted." Solid! The full, amusing email after the jump.

Williamsburg's "Herpes Avenger" responds to concerns that she herself might be spreading something nasty: An untruth! "Do i know that without a doubt, 100 % absolutely positively that Drew gave me herpes? Do we ever truly know anything?" Ha, all ontological and shit. But seriously: "I spoke to my doctor, and going over my sexual history she agrees that it would be quite an amazing scientific feat for me to have coincidentally had my first outbreak of herpes the week after having unprotected sex with a shady character in the midst of two months of sexual isolation." Okay, carry on. [Williamsburg's STD All-Stars]

"Do you live in the Williamsburg Greenpoint area? I know you probably love it. I love it too. But you should be aware of some things. Living here is much like living in a college dorm. It's a hotbed (no pun intended) of sexually transmitted diseases. But it doesn't have to be like this." We agree! Well, maybe up until the last sentence. Anyway, one woman has made it her mission to stop the spread of herpes by, for starters, making it impossible for the guy who gave it to her ever to get laid again.

Former assistant claims Jessica Alba got herpes from Derek Jeter. Or, you know, pretty much anyone else she has ever done it with, because at least 21% of the adult population has herpes. [L.A. Rag Mag]