Poor chickens. They don't get six million ways to die. They get, basically, two. Both of which are bad. And more chickens than you might think get the worst one: boiling alive.

The UN is currently hosting a "Commission of Inquiry" about North Korea. The most impactful thing to come out of the commission's hearings will almost certainly be stories like the ones that were told to day by survivors of North Korean prison camps.

We are not "yellow" journalists who would sensationalize stories in a way that might have a negative impact on the economic livelihood of an entire region. So we will not go out of our way to urge anyone not to visit Acapulco, Mexico. We will simply pass on this latest incident to you, as reported by the AP.

For all of humanity's greatness—the pyramids, the Hoover Dam, our capacity to love—human beings have proven ourselves quite capable of doing truly disgusting things, also, including waging wars, acting upon greed, and wearing those godforsaken toe shoes. In an effort to build a more just, rational, and aesthetically pleasing future, here is a list of 22 things Gawker is banning in 2013. At the stroke of midnight on December 31, be sure to either immediately stop doing the actions listed here, or, if it's an object that's being banned, a toe shoe, perhaps, incinerate it in a trash can. The civilized world thanks you!

Barely a month and a half after Fox News shocked the nation by airing a car chase that ended in a graphic close-up shot of a suicide, Los Angeles-area television stations were back showing live police pursuits without a tape delay.

Shepard Smith's face in this photo tells the story about this awful situation: Here he's seen immediately after Fox News had aired a car chase (live, without a delay) that ended with a suspect shooting himself in the head. Immediately after, they cut to a commercial about mesothelioma.

"SapientNitro". "Idea Engineer." The rapping. The guitar guy. Christ. Let's just both pretend like we never, ever saw this. I can't even bear to look at you right now.

The only bad things about this video, "The Andover Song," are the excruciatingly earnest lyrics, the disconcerting juxtaposition of a bunch of freshly-scrubbed teenage prep school lacrosse aficionados with the format of a non-parody rap video, the horribly awkward cameo by the elderly authority figure, the depressing realization that this video's production values are much higher than those on many videos by "real" rappers, and the overarching statement that the very existence of this video makes about the dissipation and decline of hip hop culture in America.

It's early, but this should be a lock for Most Awful Story of the Day: Isayah Muller (pictured) graduated from high school in the Bronx on Tuesday. Afterwards, he went out to a celebration dinner with his family. When his father, Andre, got back in the car after the dinner, he found that a $200 bottle of cologne was missing. Andre, with his family in the car, drove back to the parking garage where he'd been parked and confronted the attendants there, accusing them of stealing the cologne. They let him search the office. He couldn't find it. So, police say, he attacked one of the parking attendants, punching him. The other attendant grabbed a knife to defend his colleague.

A 60-something year-old British woman went to the supermarket this morning in the town of Arona on the Spanish resort island of Tenerife. That was her last mistake.

A poor, unsuspecting guy caught on fire while sitting in a private booth "watching videos" at a porn shop in San Francisco. He ran out of the shop engulfed in flames. It's still unclear how the fire started, but I have been in the back of more than one porn shop in my day, and it has been known to get a little...um...hot back there?

A 30-year-old Jerusalem man has been sentenced to 18 months in prison for "rape by deception", after sleeping with a woman whom he lied to about being Jewish. When the woman found out he was Arab, she called the police.

Jesus Christmas. The principal of a Prescott, AZ elementary school has ordered that a mural — depicting current students at his school — have the skin tones lightened, after a series of racial slurs were hurled at the painters.

So that people would start talking about their new show, The Doctors, medical professionals Travis Stork and Drew Ordon extolled the medical benefits of urine by drinking it and wiping it on their faces earlier this week. On television. Really.

The weather is nice and hot and we can all almost taste the sweet freedom of Memorial Day. Summer is here, and that's awesome, but there are just some parts of the season that suck.

We thought the aural crimes of Countess LuAnn's single were bad enough, but now she says she's always singing at dinner and at concerts at her kids' school. There's no auto-tune in real life. Think of the children, Crackerjacks!

A new study shows that rare patients in a "vegetative state" may still be conscious and thinking, although trapped in a totally immobile, unresponsive body. So, anyone could be living out the plot of Johnny Got His Gun. Thanks, god.

Fine, here: Jamie Jungers, the most desperate of the Tiger Woods love interests, is being repped by incompetent superflack (and Douche candidate) Ronn [sic] Torossian's 5WPR. We're told this was filmed right in the 5W office. Seems right. CLARIFICATION:

A young gentleman on Twitter asks, "I found the new montauk monster. Gawker, where you at???" Well, we're right here, young "hellatightshit." And what is it you have for your friends at Gawker Monster Investigations? UPDATE! He's named!