Nowadays, you can’t open a single tab without running into an article about how horses do not belong in the Olympics. Our very own Gawker Media network, for instance, has become polluted with such opinions. But not all Olympic horses deserve such scorn.

Riding a horse? That’s not a real sport.

Bill de Blasio’s attempts to deliver on his promise to ban Central Park’s horse and carriage industry on “day one” of his mayoralty have produced little more than a federal investigation into the animal-rights interest group backing his candidacy. Now, the mayor is obligated to give those very same drivers raises.

Ted Cruz is back in the horse race, and this time it’s even more torturous than the last.

On Wednesday, a Facebook user posted a photograph of three police horses (with their riders) with the caption, “Excitement in Times Square, just called 911, as a beautiful police horse galloped past us on W. 48th St. and headed in wrong direction South on 6th Avenue!”

A proposal to drastically limit the size of New York City’s horse-and-carriage industry—an issue of bizarre significance to Bill de Blasio’s mayoral administration—will not be voted on by the City Council this Friday, the Wall Street Journal and New York Times are reporting.

Today, the most heat-generating issue in New York City—the issue that is prompting our council to consider a measure that it has never used before, according to one member—is not homelessness, or a lack of affordable housing, or even the L Train apocalypse—but the fate of the horse-and-carriage industry. How did we get here?

An alleged horse fetishist was arrested in Phoenix Friday night after flying from Pennsylvania to meet a horse owner who’d agreed to let him have sex with a miniature horse and to make sure his clothes got soaked in fragrant horse piss. But the planned romantic rendezvous was not to be: the horse owner was an undercover sheriff’s deputy conducting a sting operation.

R.I.P. Walmart.horse, a very good, three-month-old website whose content consisted solely of an image of a horse standing in front of Walmart.

Lord Nelson, a horse who was also a Rutgers professor and a former cop, died Sunday. He was 42.

What do we got?

Alan Barnfield is on trial in Sheffield, South Yorkshire after allegedly having sex with a Shetland pony. Police apparently found him "sweating profusely and smelling strongly of horses" in a dark wooded area near a paddock.

A Wisconsin man was arrested in Wausau last week for alleged horse fucking after sheriff's deputies found him in a barn with a jar of vaseline. Jared Kreft, 30, was reportedly wearing "a face mask, black jacket and blue wind pants with holes cut in the groin and buttocks areas," and later admitted to performing oral sex on the horse.

Quirky bathrobe Zooey Deschanel is being sued by a horse owner because she allegedly injured a rented stallion named Literati (lol) so badly that he will never be the same again. Zooey Deschanel, what did you do?

An Arabian stallion named Stormy, who has free reign of his owner's property, somehow managed to walk into the backyard swimming pool Saturday and found himself unable to escape. As Stormy panicked and thrashed against the deck, his owner's grandson called 911.

In a bizarre act of theft at a Norwegian riding school, thieves made off with the tails of five beautiful horses and $15,000 worth of equestrian gear on Thursday, the New York Daily News reports.

Christine Saunders, 45, was arrested by police in Dekalb County, Ala. after she drunkenly stole a horse and rode it to a nearby store to steal merchandise. Police found the horse tied up outside with three cans of Keystone Light inside a plastic Walmart bag tied to its saddle horn.

Queen Elizabeth II hangs with horse Teaforthree and human Rebecca Morris of Cotts Farm Equine Hospital during an official visit to Narbeth, Wales, on Tuesday. Image via Matthew Horwood/Getty.

On Monday, America's most famous Type A personality typed a grim little proposition into the Twitter client of her choosing, beckoning her public to follow her to a second blog location like a shirtless man with dirty teeth beckons lost travelers behind his privately-owned service station to show them "some crazy shit."

Liam Neeson's Daily Show interview last night ostensibly served to promote his latest movie Non-Stop, but over half of it was taken up by his passionate advocacy to keep horse-drawn carriages in New York. True to his action-hero persona, Liam Neeson cares a lot and is not afraid of anything—not even the wrath of PETA. What a weird fucking platform, though.