Are you worried about global warming? Don't be! According to Illinois Rep. John Shimkus—candidate for chair of the House Energy and Commerce Committee—climate change isn't a big deal. How does he know? Because of the Bible!

Poor Illinois Green Party gubernatorial candidate Rich Whitney, the victim of an extremely cartoonish "error:" His name has been misspelled as "Rich Whitey" on voting machines in nearly two dozen Chicago wards, half of them "predominantly African-American."

Mark Kirk, the Republican candidate for Senate in Illinois, is planning on sending out special "voter integrity" squads to help prevent voter fraud. Where are they headed? Oh, just to four largely black neighborhoods in Chicago.

How fun was former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's corruption trial, which ended with the jury deadlocked on 23 of 24 charges? So fun they're going to try again in January—but without his brother Robert, whose charges were dropped.

These days, the way to judge someone's buzz level has come down to one question: has he/she been animated by Taiwanese company NMA yet? Luckily for somewhat-convicted Rod Blagojevich, he has! Inside, watch an animated reenactment of Blago's full saga.

[The contents of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's seven storage units in Arlington Heights, Ill.—including this nameplate and life-sized Elvis statue—were auctioned off today to pay for his overdue storage fees. Image via Getty]

After all that, the best those measly jurors in Rod Blagojevich's corruption trial could manage was one conviction and a mistrial on the 23 other counts. The jurors are blaming the case's complexity. Why don't we hear this more often?

Everyone in Washington wants constant sex with Congressman Aaron Schock, 29, because his shirt is usually either off or purply-pink, with a neon teal belt. Today, the New York Times asks him, what's it like being Illinois' hot sex representative?

Did you feel sorry for Rod Blagojevich, who just wanted to sell one measly U.S. Senate seat to pay his kids' college tuition and meet mortgage payments? Don't. He also blew $400,000 on clothes as Illinois governor.

A taped conversation played during Rod Blagojevich's corruption trial reveals that he considered naming Oprah to the Senate. "Nobody would assail this pick," he said. "She's a kingmaker…she made Obama." Shoulda picked her! She would have called off the cops.

Illinois Republican Senate candidate Mark Kirk lied about receiving a military award. Did he do it to make himself look better, or just because he really loves lying? This latest lie—about working in a nursery—isn't very impressive.

Can you believe it's been 18 months since former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich was busted for being a total crook? Today, Blago and his swooping mane finally get their trial. What do we have to look forward to?

Illinois Democrats dug deep for this Lieutenant Governor candidate: Scott Lee Cohen is accused of threatening his prostitute ex-girlfriend with a knife, abusing steroids, trying to rape his ex-wife, and terrorizing his children. "That is my parenting style," he explained.

Not only was beloved former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich denied his opportunity to be a celebrity wishing to get out of here, now he won't even get his million dollars from his book deal.

Viva Rod Blagojevich! We hope he stays in office forever! Did you know that his little corruption deal was basically his own personal 9/11? Or Pearl Harbor?

The Illinois House impeached Governor Rod Blagojevich today, hooray! The lawmakers voted 114-1 to impeach, after denouncing him for an hour or so.

So Roland Burris, the crazy new Illinois Senator-in-waiting, will be seated! According to the Associated Press! But not according to Harry Reid. But... maybe?

Rod Blagojevich just had an awesome press conference announcing his selection of Roland Burris to the US Senate. Now no one knows what will happen.

Hahahaha criminal Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has exercised his right to make an appointment to the US Senate.

[That's the mayor of Illinois (or something) Rod Blagojevich after talking to the press yesterdee; image via Splash]