important-things
Michael Jordan Will Wear a Hitler Mustache if He So Chooses
Hamilton Nolan · 05/24/10 02:57PMLIVE: The Sarah Silverman Program and Important Things with Demetri Martin
Jordan Zakarin · 04/01/10 10:00PMLIVE: The Sarah Silverman Program & Important Things With Demetri Martin
Jordan Zakarin · 03/25/10 10:00PMInside the Ladies Room There's a Secret Task Force Measuring Your "Boyfriend Potential"
Whitney Jefferson · 03/12/10 03:09PMDemetri Martin has Your Money Situation All Figured Out
Whitney Jefferson · 02/26/10 01:37PMLast night's Important Thing was Money. Here, Demetri explains how what term a person calls their money can tell us how much cash they actually have. For example, if you call your money "dough," you're probably broke and a douchebag.
Demetri Martin in Sherlock Holmes: Victorian Bachelor
Whitney Jefferson · 02/19/10 01:06PMShould Hippie College Bathrooms Be a Super Sexy Party?
Hamilton Nolan · 12/21/09 11:35AMDouche of the Decade, Round Two: Real Douches Only
Hamilton Nolan · 12/16/09 03:46PMAmerica's Love Affair With Breasts Is Over
Hamilton Nolan · 10/13/09 11:20AMAmerica Breathes Sigh of Relief As FCC Re-Opens Janet Jackson Boob Investigation
Hamilton Nolan · 09/15/09 02:50PMDying Paper Produces Another Muthafuckin 'Puppy Diaries'
Hamilton Nolan · 08/11/09 10:10AMPark Slope Parents Fee Battle Threatens to Spiral Into All-Out Yuppie War
Hamilton Nolan · 04/07/09 02:29PMScrew Columbus Day
Hamilton Nolan · 01/24/09 09:41AMVote For The New White Racial Slur!
Hamilton Nolan · 06/17/08 09:38AMYesterday we asked for new and improved racial slurs for 'white people,' and we got more than 350 comments in response. We've narrowed the list down to the top ten. We want a real, usable slur, so we've focused on pithy, easy-to-shout ideas. Now we're turning it over to you, our racist readers. Please keep in mind the gravity of your task; the very racial equality of our nation depends on the equality of its slurs. After the jump, vote for your choice in our poll. Choose well!
Pride Of NYC, America Hinges On Knicks Draft Choice
Hamilton Nolan · 05/23/08 11:56AMBecause it's a lazy Friday before a long weekend, it's time to talk a bit about sports. But this is important! The Knicks, to everyone's chagrin, drew only the sixth pick in the upcoming NBA draft. Had they landed the first pick, they would have been assured of getting Derrick Rose, the best player in the nation and a great point guard, which is what the team needs. Now, draft projections say they may end up picking OJ Mayo, the USC guard and former high school phenom. Who could also be good! Why is this important? Now that supervillain Isaiah Thomas has been fired as Knicks coach, the city needs to heal again. This draft will set the tone for the team's resurrection. Even if you don't like sports, you must wish fervently for a strong Knicks squad, for the sake of NYC's honor—we cannot afford for our city to be trashed by middle American teams. It's bad for everyone here, and everyone who runs America is here, so it's bad for America. Below, a highlight video of Derrick Rose (maybe they can trade up for him!) and one of OJ May (did you know he had such a sweet jumpshot? I didn't.). THIS IS IMPORTANT.