On Friday, Gawker reported that Vogue’s brand-new offices at 1 World Trade Center had a predicament as old as New York City itself: a rat infestation. It’s already gotten so bad that editor-in-chief Anna Wintour is wary of entering her personal office. Over the next three days, two other outlets reported even grosser details. You might want to sit down.

As Americans slowly masturbate their pudgy, formless bodies into oblivion, it has become increasingly clear that soon a new species will arise to fill the void once occupied by the only race to have set foot on the moon. And, lo, here is that species: The "Hairy Crazy Ant."

In 2009 Rexburg, Idaho couple Ben and Amber Sessions purchased a house in the country thinking it would be the perfect spot to raise a family. That is until they noticed the snakes. The hundreds and hundreds of garter snakes that lived under the house.

The sidewalk at Mulberry and Grand Streets near Little Italy was closed down for several hours today so that beekeepers could remove a swarm of bees that descended on a mailbox on the corner. Apparently this is a natural phenomenon that happens this time of year when hives get overcrowded. Well, just because it's natural doesn't mean it isn't creepy.

Just because a dog barks at your wall doesn't necessarily mean you need to spend $3,500 on bedbug treatments.

A bedbug-sniffing dog has found the presence of bedbugs at the United Nations building. Shoot, the bedbugs have basically a freeway to the White House now! This must be Ahmadinejad's doing. We give Iran backpackers, and they give us bedbugs?

First it was our beds. Then our offices. Now, our wallets. Yes, the New York bedbug menace has begun to affect the city's tourism industry, with fearful, parasite-phobic travelers canceling trips. No, tourists, don't! That means the bedbugs have won!

Sorry, we're trying to be more copacetic about bedbugs. But, they've invaded the Empire State Building! Towering symbol of modernity? New York icon? Bed bugs don't give a bed bug fuck. They're taking it down, from the bottom up.

First they invaded where you sleep. Then they invaded where you work. Now they are invading where you go to forget the miseries of the world for a few hours. Bedbugs have been found in a New York movie theater.

According to a Daily News poll, 12 percent of New York Democrats have bedbugs, while only 2 percent of Republicans do. Whoever can come up with the most completely insane theory about this gets a late-afternoon show on Fox News!

We've long feared it, and now the national news media is confirming it. Bedbugs truly are going to be the modern-day plague that o'erwhelms us all. National infestations are growing rapidly and you know who's to blame? The children.

A pair of Chilean Rose tarantulas were found separately in backyards in northern Britain recently, and people are getting nervous. So what's the big deal about a couple of furry spiders? They spit hairs into people's eyes and blind them.

We will not be copacetic! The bedbug menace grows and grows every day, infesting various halls of industry and power. Their latest assault is on the written word. Yes, bed bugs have invaded publishing.

Bedbugs are destroying New York! Invading CBS, teen-dream clothing store Hollister, and now Hollister's cooler older brother, Abercrombie & Fitch. Their South Street Seaport location is closed while they deal with an infestation. Meanwhile, the Aéropostale people giddily pop champagne.

First it was SoHo's naked-man-and-boardshort emporium Hollister. Now one of CBS' New York offices is being cleaned after an infestation of bedbugs. Nowhere is safe, people. Remember: If you don't go into the office, then the bedbugs have won!

If you've ever walked down Broadway just south of Houston Street, you know the Hollister. There are always shirtless lifeguard-type boys outside, urging you in? It's quite effective! Not so effective? Bedbugs, which are what the store is currently battling.

Bedbugs are creatures with a strong sense of social justice. They tend to attack deserving targets, like Fox News and massive ad agencies (and you?). The latest righteous bedbug victim: Goldman Sachs, baby.

"During an April 9 restaurant inspection at the Met, the department found 'evidence of mice or live mice present in facility's food and/or nonfood areas,' according to reports on the department's Web site." [AP, Related]

"What if it goes into your stuffed toy and you bring it home?" [Daily News]

How is Fox News supposed to bring the REAL news to the American mainstream when they are busy fighting off a bug infestation of the newsroom? If only we were making a metaphorical joke about the network's tendency to employ cockroaches. We're not! A liberal media outlet, the New York Times, reports that Fox News discovered an infestation of the dreaded, disgusting BEDBUGS a few weeks ago "when an employee 'caught a bug and showed it to us.'" YUCK. But Fox News employees get even nastier than that: One of them brought the bugs in!