America's Got Talent judge Sharon Osbourne announced yesterday she is quitting the show because, she claims, NBC decided her son Jack was not fit to serve in a fake army.

Jack Osbourne was diagnosed with the incurable autoimmune disease multiple sclerosis less than a month after the birth of his daughter Pearl Clementine on April 24th.

America's saddest divorce has its saddest development yet today. Also: Patrick Schwarzenegger is in trouble, Jack Osbourne is getting hitched, and Rihanna has genitals.

Sharon fantasizes about a capitalist end for her "waterbed" chest. Lil' Wayne is finally at Rikers, and now we know his real height. Kelly Cutrone saves the world with her vibrator. Tuesday gossip is climactic.

Ethan Hawke turns 39 today. Mike Nichols, the film director and husband of Diane Sawyer, is turning 78. Gossip Girl's Kelly Rutherford is 41. The First Lady of California, Maria Shriver, is 54. Sally Field is turning 62. Writer Michael Cunningham is 57. Rebecca Romijn (formerly Rebecca Romijn-Stamos) turns 37 today. Thandie Newton is turning 37. Taryn Manning is 31. Actress Emma Stone is 21. TV host Catherine Crier is turning 55. Former Manhattan Borough President Ruth Messinger is turning 69. Joe Wilson, the former diplomat and husband of Valerie Plame, is 60 And Lamar Odom, the NBA star and poor soul now married to Khloe Kardashian, is 30. A few weekend birthdays after the jump.

Filmmaker Morgan Spurlock is 38 today. Joni Mitchell is 65. Reverend Billy Graham is 90. General David Petraeus is turning 56. Former Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight turns 51. Lost star Yunjin Kim is 35. Interior designer John Barman is 59. And twin actors Jeremy and Jason London are 36. Weekend birthdays after the jump.

♦ Scarlett Johansson is a married woman: She tied the knot with actor Ryan Reynolds in a small ceremony outside of Vancouver on Saturday. [Us]
♦ Heather Locklear was arrested for driving under the influence of prescription drugs in Montecito, CA, on Saturday. [NYP]
♦ Heath Ledger's daughter Matilda will inherit his entire estate, which is estimated to be worth $20 million. [NYP]

Jack Osbourne, son of Ozzy: "[David Gest] is a f -in' psycho. You know his deal, right? He was the biggest Judy Garland memorabilia collector. And then he gets the daughter. He gets the biggest prize out of the lot."
They said what? [Moviefone]