It's been two years since silver-maned MPAA drum-beater Jack Valenti passed to the great ratings board in the sky, where he's been gleefully defending the afterlife's classification system. (Heaven: PG-13 for strong language, partial angel-nudity.)

J. Edgar Hoover's FBI investigated late movie-lobby chief Jack Valenti for homosexuality, the Washington Post reports. Interesting. But what about evidence ernest PBS liberal Bill Moyers requested similar probes?

At Thursday afternoon's Cinerama Dome celebration of the memory of late MPAA icon Jack Valenti, Steven Bochco offered these words of tribute: "He was the human equivalent of the iPhone. He was a small, sleek package with irresistible features." It's probably best that Valenti himself didn't live to see the iPhone era himself, as he likely would have seen the device as "the Son of Sam of intellectual property theft waiting to blast away the young lovers of copyright as they make out in the front of a parent's Oldsmobile, an infernal machine that infuriatingly allows the brazen pirate to call up his friends and brag about how easy it is to steal food from the mouths of hard-working Hollywood professionals." [LAT]

To celebrate a summer movie season that has delivered an unprecedented, soul-crushing string of record-breaking pirate-, ogre-, and superhero-related sequels, MPAA spirit squad captain Dan Glickman has grabbed his pom-poms and megaphone and headed for the Huffington Post to lead the world in a call-and-response "Holly!"..."WOOD!" cheer, careful not to tear anything amid his flurry of ecstatic scissor-kicks. Glickman reminds us that the while the MySpaces and the YouTubes may have their place in modern life, nothing beats a wholesome trip to the multiplex to watch horny college girls get eviscerated by sadistic hostel-keepers for old-fashioned community-building:

· S Day is finally here, and Tim and Eric couldn't be more excited about it. Really.
· Posthumous note to Jack Valenti: If you're playing Truth or Dare with the 1991 Madonna, you always take dare. Always.
· Ah, we knew there something wrong with the way Britney Spears dresses, and now we can put our finger on exactly what it is. [via goldenfiddle]
· Worn down by months of unironic posts about Matthew McConaughey's abs, Reese Witherspoon feeding parking meters, and Hyde's guest list, a writer at TMZ finally loses her shit.
·Hey, unicorns! Flying ones!

· 3,000 attend the Spider-Man 3 Tribeca Film Festival premiere in Astoria, Queens, uncharitably described as "roughly the east coast equivalent of Van Nuys." We hope nobody from Var is planning any trips to that borough in the near future, as we fear for their safety after that slight. [Variety]
· The U.S. Trade Representative puts China and Russia on notice, naming the two nations as the world-leaders in copyright theft, and threatening them with visits from DVD-sniffing wonderdogs Lucky and Flo should they not demonstrate a commitment to stopping movie piracy. [THR]
· "Magic" screen test chemistry lands 26-year-old Australian unknown Luke Ford a key role in the next Mummy movie, a casting move that may allow Universal to jettison Brendan Fraser after this installment and continue the franchise with cheaper talent. [Variety]
· Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Fox's Peter Chernin, Disney's Bob Iger, and dozens of others pull honorary pallbearer duty at Jack Valenti's Washington, DC funeral. [THR]
· Peter Jackson is shopping around his spec adaptation of Alice Sebold's The Lovely Bones; predictably left out of the bidding war fun: New Line, whom Jackson is suing for untold millions in Lord of the Rings royalties he claims to be owed. [Variety]
· In a move meant to recognize the breadth and quality of the original programming that plays above its famous scrolling grid of television listings, the TV Guide Channel boldly rebrands as TV Guide Network. [THR]

The nation has now had a weekend to mourn the passing of Jack Valenti, man who made possible the groundbreaking cultural artifact known as the special unrated DVD version of Turistas. Yet, beyond such obvious accomplishments, there's still so much more to know about the MPAA chief/L.B.J. confidante/ Napster destroyer. Happily, on a dreary Sunday evening like this, there's no better family activity than reading the week's obituaries! But how do we know which ones will be appropriate for the kids? Alphanumeric codes, obviously! The following obits have been submitted for review to the Gawker Weekend Rating Board; out of respect, we are following the brilliant, equivocally definite guidelines set forth on the M.P.A.A. website.

· Variety remembers recently deceased MPAA legend Jack Valenti, calling him "colorful," "charismatic," a "prime mover behind the movie ratings system," and the "industry's most ardent cheerleader." Also: "The silver-haired Valenti was a natty dresser and courtly gentleman who enjoyed using five-dollar words and arcane historical and literary allusions as he spoke out on numerous issues, all of which seemed to get him into a high lather." [Variety]
· The Reporter remembers Valenti as an "eloquent, high-level power broker" and recalls the "hump the hostess" anecdote of which we're so fond. [THR]
· In other Valenti news: His memoir, This Time, This Place, will still be released on June 5th, as planned. [Variety]
· American Idol fans overlook the show's unspeakably inhumane gotcha! prank on eventual winner Jordin Sparks, donating $60 million to its Idol Gives Back charity drive so far. [THR]
· ABC rides a penis worm and a set of giant, deformed balls to a Thursday night win to kick off May sweeps. [Variety]

It is with a heavy heart that we note the passing of former MPAA lobbyist Jack Valenti, an enemy of the movie-pirate menace so terrifying that a future generation of unauthorized downloaders will trade apocryphal stories about the copyright-defending bogeyman in hushed tones while watching illegal copies of Spider-Man 16, visibly trembling as they hear once again how a DVD-ripping friend of a friend's grandfather once awoke to find Valenti's hook embedded in the side of her computer and the message STOP RAPING HOLLYWOOD scrawled in blood on the bedroom wall. The LAT has a detailed obituary for those interested in the hyperbole-prone pirate-hunter and ratings system pioneer's legacy; after the jump, a tribute round-up of our long-ago posts about Valenti's fascinating thoughts on subjects like elves, the hostess-humping absurdity of the Hays Code era, and the un-fucking-believable magic boxes that assist outlaws in stealing food from the mouths of honest stuntmen:

· No, sillies! His name is Gay! LOL! CMT would never hire a real Gay! [Variety]
· We thought that Disney could never top itself after casting John Travolta, Tim Allen, and Martin Lawrence together in Wild Hogs, but they've just officially blown our minds by getting Travolta and Robin Williams into Old Dogs, the story of "two best friends and business partners whose lives are turned upside down when they find themselves in the care of 7-year-old twins." This one could do $300 million, easy. [THR]
· With no more female-friendly MOW worlds to conquer after landing both Jennie Garth and Lacey Chabert for upcoming projects, Lifetime president/CEO Betty Cohen "steps down" barely 24 hours after the network's upfront presentations. [Variety]
· Following yesterday's (possibly premature) reports that Spiderman: 3 may have already been pirated in Beijing, enraged MPAA head Dan Glickman stops just short of announcing an immediate Hollywood-led nuclear strike against China. [THR]
· In happier MPAA news, pirate-hunter emeritus Jack Valenti is out of the hospital after a recent stroke, but could suffer a setback should he be updated on this troubling China/Spider-Man situation. [Variety]

• More details on the various woes at AMI. [AdAge]
  

· Warner Bros. determines that the cast of Ocean's Thirteen really needs a big-name actor to chew the scenery being ignored by the other big-name actors phoning in their performances, adds Al Pacino to the project. [Variety]
· Jack Valenti supports a $300 million media ad campaign to educate parents on being responsible for their kids' viewing habits by using the V-Chip, warning them that "not utilizing this crucial barrier against inappropriate adult content is like throwing open the front door to your home and inviting in your neighborhood's sex offenders for a kindgergarten-diddling play date." [THR]
· "Ambiguous" tracking info on Universal's United 93 has the studio anxiously awaiting the movie's reception at itsTribeca Film Fest premiere, which may give them a sense of how it might fare against this weekend's other new release competition. Good news: RV's late tracking says that audiences feel it's "too soon" for another Robin Williams movie after the tragedy of House of D. [Variety]
· Studios pray that their coming onslaught of animated family films can distract overseas audiences from the World Cup. Possible marketing slogan: "Why not trample each other at Garfield's A Tale of Two Kitties instead?" [THR]
· Touchstone TV and the three major guilds come to an agreement on residuals for a long-delayed Lost spinoff for mobile phones, allowing the regular cast to participate and saving fans from having to watch "mobisodes" consisting entirely of silent background actors wandering around in dirty clothes. [Variety]

· Crown/Harmony Books buys former MPAA head Jack Valenti's memoir, which the superannuated lobbyist promises is not a "get-even book." However, he promises that Jack Valenti: My Life Dueling The Rapethirsty Pirates Bent On Repeatedly Violating The Entertainment Industry's Virginal Maids With Their Digital Instruments Of Unparalleled Evil will contain "a lot of interesting stories about some famous people." [Variety]
· PilotWatch, Dead Guys Resurrected Edition: Recently nerve-gassed 24 player Sean Astin is in negotiations to star in ABC's comedy The Guys, while Roger Bart, the creepy, gay-seeming Desperate Housewives pharmacist recently suicided off Wisteria Lane, joins CBS' comedy My Ex-Life.[THR]
· Precocious SNL star Andy Samberg and his Lonely Island partners quickly cash in on their "Lazy Sunday" buzz, signing up to star in and direct Hot Rod, "about an accident-prone daredevil who plans to jump Snake River on a moped in an effort to emulate his hero Evel Knievel and win over his hard-to-please stepfather." Sounds a little iffy, but luckily they've got to wait a little longer before they have access to Jimmy Fallon-level career-killing scripts like Taxi. [Variety]
·A twenty-nine second clip premiered before Ice Age: The Meltdown announces that fans of The Simpsons will have to wait until July 27, 2007 to see Homer delightfully sociopathic tendencies on the big screen. [THR]
· The WB/UPN hybrid network abomination The CW jilts Los Angeles proper to set up its headquarters in Burbank, leaving Fox and CBS as the only major nets remaining on the right side of the hill. [Variety]

First ballot Hall of Defamer crackpot and former MPAA head Jack Valenti defends the movie ratings system in the opinion pages of today's LAT, arguing that the current G-through-NC-17 guidelines are far superior to the clenched-sphincter, Puritan absurdities of the infamous Hays Code: