• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson skipped out of a Valentine's Day appearance at the Hard Rock in Florida, supposedly because both had come down with the flu. But they didn't appear too sick the night before when the pair were spotted in a screaming match outside the Charlotte Ronson after-party on the Lower East Side. [People, NYP, NYDN]
• Chris Brown now says he's "sorry and saddened" over the incident with Rihanna. [LAT]
• Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault got married on Saturday. [People]
• Amy Sacco says she's planning to do a reality show for Bravo. [NYDN]
• Dina Lohan owes $11,485 in back taxes on her Long Island home. [P6]
• Jesus Luz's mother says her son has been "kidnapped" by Madonna. Also, in case you're wondering, Madge is the same age as his grandmother. [NYP, DM]

Everyone's been debating whether Joaquin Phoenix's crack-up, as evidenced on Letterman the other night, is real or a hoax. It sure looked real to the director of his last movie.

There is a man in this photo with Joaquin Phoenix. Learn his face, for he may be the dark wizard conjurer behind Phoenix's career transformation into a trainwreck.

If you had any doubts that Joaquin Phoenix will push his hoaxy rapper persona into the depths of career ignominy, let his Two Lovers director fill you in on his insane level of commitment.

The totally accidental mystery of the angry critic who stormed out of a crowded Cannes screening of Two Lovers rather than "wait an hour for fucking [director] James Gray" was put to rest this afternoon at Entertainment Weekly, where critic Lisa Schwarzbaum copped to the outburst we once guessed came from Manohla Dargis. "And since I'm giving PopWatch readers a spectacular scoop, let me tell you what happened next," Schwarzbaum wrote. "I extricated myself from the angry mob at 9:30 p.m., took myself out to dinner, had a nice bowl of pasta and a glass of wine, and returned an hour later to a crowd, albeit smaller, still waiting for f——-g James Gray. ... As they say in beer ads, read blog items responsibly!" The catch? Schwarzbaum outed herself on a blog! We're not falling for that one; we'll believe it when it's in the magazine. [EW]

As if Page Six's blind items weren't problematic enough, NY Post film critic Lou Lumenick last week offered a fun one from Cannes that found our refined hunch-dar betraying us. "Members of the press were lining up at the entrance to the announced venue well more than a hour before [Two Lovers] began," he wrote. " 'I'm not going to wait an hour for f—-ing James Gray,' one major U.S. film critic declared, before storming off, of the film's American director, who is much more popular among critics in Europe than he is in his native country." There's a pretty short list of "major U.S. film critics" these days anyway, but the anecdote provoked visions of the NY Times' Manohla Dargis protesting to the Cannes overlords. However, as Dargis assured us this morning, "storming" is not her style; she indeed waited an hour just like everyone else for fucking James Gray. So it's back to the blind-item drawing board for us, alas. Was Rex Reed at Cannes? [Defamer]

The story behind the search for missing Turing Award winner James Gray. [Wired]

PAUL BOUTIN — What are we looking for? I truly don't mean to offend anyone, but the high-tech hunt for Jim Gray is equal parts ultimate question and technological hubris.The authorities called off their search last week. What's a geek to do? Question Authority! Fire up the satellites! Start a wiki! In a story filed on Groundhog Day, The New York Times reported that:

NICK DOUGLAS — The Coast Guard searched yesterday for Turing Award winner James Gray, who was last heard from on Sunday when he piloted his yacht out of San Francisco (in good weather) to scatter his mother's ashes. At Microsoft, Gray (Berkeley's first computer science PhD recipient) developed technologies that led to ATMs and online shopping; his research also made mapping programs like Google Earth possible.