The presidential campaign of timid celebrity child Jeb Bush has released an official physician’s letter stating that Jeb is in “excellent” physical condition. Excellent, Jebediah? Big talker.

Hedge fund managers tend to be secretive. Except for Anthony Scaramucci.

The real ideological battle in the Republican primary will not be over taxes, or foreign policy, or immigration. Rather, it is a contest to find who will capture the valuable “Racist Hick Football Fan” demographic.

“Stuff happens” was the dumbest and most unfortunate thing Jeb! Bush said Friday in reaction to the mass shooting at an Oregon community college one day earlier, but his fumbling attempt to clean up that mess was nearly as rife with dumbitude and non-fortune.

Jeb Bush, who try as he might just isn’t so great at the business of running for president, was at an event in South Carolina today, where he was asked about school shootings like the massacre in Oregon yesterday. The two-word key phrase at the center of his response: “Stuff happens.”

Lint-crusted dried apricot Donald Trump spoke tonight in New Hampshire, offering details of his tax plan, a pledge to deploy Carl Icahn to do pretty much whatever the hell he wants over in China, and his assessment of the long-standing relationship of fellow candidates Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush:

In response to a question from a white guy yesterday about how the Republicans planned to win more black votes, Jeb Bush said that it would not be by giving them “free stuff.” You’re doing great, Jeb!

Jeb Bush’s Super PAC, Right to Rise, premiered a new campaign ad this week denouncing Donald Trump and touting America’s bright new future. What a commercial, what a country—if there were a voting booth on my desk, I’d pull the lever right now. Only one problem: Jeb Bush’s “America” is really comprised of about $100 worth of B-roll, shot in Asia and the UK.

There. See? He meant Asians. Asians are the bad immigrants. Good luck, Jeb!

It’s time. Tomorrow night, at 9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time, ten drunk clowns are going to fight with each other on national television for the chance to make wildly important decisions that affect each and every one of our livelihoods. It is going to be a god damn masterpiece.

In the same interview with the New Hampshire Union Leader during which he declared that Americans aren’t working long enough hours, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush also said that President Barack Obama uses too many big words.

Jeb Bush’s ill-advised comment yesterday that “people need to work longer hours” not only shows the outlandish nature of his promise of 4% economic growth, it will also push even supportive voters towards his opponents—after all, no one wants people to work longer hours more than Scott Walker.

Jeb Bush’s newly released tax records show that he has given less than 3% of his income to charity every year since 2008, a level of giving that philosophers, theologians, and political analysts agree qualifies him as a greedy prick.

Yesterday, GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush, one of whose siblings is a war criminal (not saying which!), told a crowd in South Carolina that heated protests against police brutality in Ferguson and Baltimore were incited by “aimlessly wandering” kids without mentors.

In 1996, C.J. Phillips met Charlie Rainwater and fell in love, as young self-identified “doggy dudes” do. Now, they’d like to have a polite, civil conversation—about their right to love each other, and anything else that’s vexing you. Which is why they parked a lovely website on the domain jebbushforpresident.com.

For presidential primogeniture artist John Ellis “Jeb” Bush, distancing himself from the family name is only half the battle: He must appear to embrace the youngs as tightly as Napoleon appeared to embraced the plague-stricken poor. Fortunately, his website coders had a plan. The youngs love Bruce Willis, right?

People forget today that George W. Bush first ran for president as a “compassionate conservative” because it was novel to do so: Most conservatives openly acknowledged that they were pricks by 2000. Like George’s brother Jeb, who wrote in 1995 of wanting society to attach a “sense of ridicule” to single parenting.

Hillary Clinton’s latest financial disclosure confirms that she pulled in $225,500 last year to give a speech plugging a skeezy online-schooling company that Jeb Bush helped run. Because nothing in America unites ideological foes like that sweet sweet college cash.

Finally, a whole four days after he first said that yes, he would have gone into Iraq, then said he misheard the question, and then said the question is mean to our troops, Jeb Bush has finally given us a definitive(-ish?) answer: Knowing what we know today, Jeb Bush would not have authorized an invasion in Iraq. Probably.