Hiram Monserrate lost his state senate seat after slashing his girlfriend's face with broken glass. Yesterday, Monserrate's former chief of staff was arrested for being a childish jerk. Everything Monserrate touches turns to shit. Now, you can legally punch him.

Anyone possessing the power of sight and a rudimentary understanding of right and wrong can see that Patrick Pogan, the cop videotaped knocking a bike rider down for no reason, is an asshole. Not his fault, say his asshole defenders.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio's "Lock Up All the Mexicans, and Everyone Who Looks Mexican" platform has made him very popular in Maricopa County, Arizona. Now he's raised $2 million and is thinking of running for Governor. Tainted baloney sandwiches for all!

Representative Bart Stupak hijacked the most important domestic policy priority of the Democratic party until the bill was suitably damaging to one of the most important constituencies of the party. Now he wants to quit because no one likes him.

Do you hate dogs? Great. Awesome idea for you: adopt a dog, then decide that the dog's barking annoys you, then have the dog's vocal cords severed so it can't bark ever again. Stupid dogs, always behaving naturally. [NYT]

Today is officially the Most Depressing Day of the year. Thanks a lot, MLK!

According to a NYT fake trend story, lots of thinkers these days are dedicating their time to undermining optimism. Thanks a lot guys???? Okay. Deep breath. Positive thoughts. Okay. Well: what we do know is that happy people are dumb.

Yesterday we offered you 15 exquisite choices in our quest to find who, pray tell, is the douchiest douchebag of the past decade. Today: Some are removed; one is honorarily honored; a Kade-style addition; and crucial second-round voting. Yes, crucial!

Incompetent superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian: Just when you're trying to ignore him, his outbursts interrupt an ABC newsman trying to interview fraudulent faith healer Benny Hinn. Twice. Ronn is such an asshole he embarrasses Benny Hinn. Watch and be amazed.

The Way We Live Now: Beneath the weight of a solid gold world. We're so wealthy that we are literally throwing money away. At least, those of us who aren't living in our cars. The point is, kill Christmas!

Shady New York State Senator Hiram Monserrate has been found not guilty of slashing his girlfriend's face (she denied he did), and guilty of dragging her through a lobby (which was caught on tape). He's still a scumbag. [NYT]

Time for an update on the case of Hiram Monserrate, alleged girlfriend face-slasher and one of New York's three very most objectionable political figures! Having his slash-vic on his side in court is really helping him out. Love—it's crazy.

Why does Jonathan Capehart let people treat him this way? The dashing Washington Post editorial writer wore Prada pants to MSNBC today and it was the funniest thing Joe Scarborough had ever seen.

The reason Eliot Spitzer was a terrible governor was not because he liked hookers. It was because he was an asshole who was unable to get along with anyone. This hasn't changed.

The Noel family was once the toast of Greenwich, Connecticut. Dad ran a hedge fund. Mom and the daughters were social queens. Now, they've reportedly been kicked out of their country club. An American tragedy:

$3.2 million apartment-owner Jared Kushner has fired the New York Observer's cleaning lady. Too expensive.

The hero of the Hudson Plane Ditch was seen today as just a passenger on a plane. But NOT on his employer's airline, US Airways. No, the villain was flying Virgin America!:

Everybody say goodbye to NYPD officer Patrick Pogan, famous for shoving a rider off his bike for no good reason—he's been fired. He'd probably make a better Benedictine monk, anyhow. Pogan's classic moment below:

It sucks to find out you're getting laid off. It sucks a lot worse to find out you're getting laid off because a lawyer yakked about it at high volume on a commuter train.

Have you always thought that rich people are jerks? Perhaps that's because of the fact that science has just proved: Rich people are jerks.