Like spoiled, scheming daddy's girls with Sweet 16s falling on the same night, the various studios threw out all the stops to lure the popular kids to their Golden Globes bashes. Since all the events took place somewhere in the Beverly Hilton, however, party hopping was as easy as stumbling into an elevator and pressing a button; you just had to be prepared to find a collapsed Paris Hilton with a half-deflated nitrous balloon in her lips when the doors opened. A Golden Globes party round-up:

Not even the will of a party promoter desperate to make sure that paying customers could ring in the New Year in suitably starfucking fashion on the Paramount Lot is a match for Mother Nature, who obviously decided she's not as big a Jessica Alba fan as she once thought. The organizers of the aborted Gridlock 2006 New Year's Eve throwdown have circulated pictures of the damage to their stage and an apology to disappointed patrons (excerpted below):

Stuck in town and still not sure about your New Year's Eve plans? Pamela Anderson has just turned that issue into a no-brainer: Simply join her and a few thousand of her closest recreational investors friends on the Paramount lot for the Party of the Year!

We bet the traffic on your evening's commute will be just a bit less excruciating in light of the New York transit strike, but when any huge news story touches the lives of millions, we must first ask the obvious question: how does this event affect the entertainment industry?

The actual WENN/IMDb story is only a rehash of yesterday's Page Six item, but the snappy headline more than makes up for the lack of newsiness. However, we can't endorse the moral judgment implied by the choice of "whore," both in Alba's original comment and by the editors. The motorcycle chick, the horny maid, and yes, even the perky-breasted, showering Tawnya shouldn't be labeled in such a negative fashion for being comfortable with their bodies and celebrating their sexuality. One day, bathed in soft lighting on the set of Dangerous Passions III: Stewardess Academy, Alba will realize this and finally embrace the full range of her talent.

In an apparent reversal of a frustrating prude streak, Jessica Alba taunts the public with the possibility that she may—under the right circumstances, with a compelling character reason, and in the sure hands of a respected auteur—get all sorts of buck naked in a movie:

· The Laugh Factory is auctioning off ten minutes of stage time and donating the entire winning bid to the American Red Cross. And this isn't any old stage time, either, it's an opening slot for Jon Lovitz. Yes, you may bomb, but you might also wind up sleeping with the Pathological Liar—for charity!
· British Esquire pretends to care what Jessica Alba thinks about film as an excuse to get her to tart around in some skimpy movie-inspired outfits. Nicely played.
· Don't be mislead by the spine, title page, or cover of the erotic novel Vamp—porn star Savannah Samson did not actually write it. But don't worry, that doesn't mean she won't eventually write her own novel and address all of the loose ends of Vamp.
· Coming soon from Apple: the iPod Stapler, iPod Insulin Injector, and the iPod Nuclear Coolant Flow Regulator. It's just like Steve Jobs to release a bunch of new toys right after you dropped $400 bucks on the one that plays Desperate Housewives.

An e-mail listing today's new WireImage video clip offerings distills the bland sound-bites you'll later hear on Access Hollywood or the local news into something far more interesting. For example, take the list of Jessica Alba's Into the Blue clips, which become an almost stream-of-consciousness representation of her thoughts on the direction of her career:

· NBC surprised and angered other networks by launching its preemptive hurricane benefit strike while they planned a cooperative, cross-net event, and they worry the NBC Friday concert will dilute the talent pool and audience for the relief effort. [Variety]
· NBC dispatches its own private security team to New Orleans to keep protect its employees reporting from the lawless post-Katrina city. [THR]
· When not bickering or competing for viewers with benefit specials, media conglomerates donate money to aid Katrina victims and establish matching gift programs for employees. [Variety]
· THR reviews MPAA sultan Dan Glickman's "rocky" first year on the job. Replacing the legendary Jack Valenti hasn't been easy, and Glickman still isn't quite comfortable adopting his predecessor's nightly ritual of bathing in the blood of movie pirates. [THR]
· The Weinsteins completely disregard Jessica Alba's rocking body and pouty, sultry lips, signing her to star in the psychological thriller Awake based only on her hard work and acting talent. Hayden Christensen will unconvincingly portray her husband. [Variety]

· Up until a couple of minutes ago, this mildly amusing misidentification was on the front page of latimes.com. Earlier today, there was a similar 50 Cent/Eminem mix-up. Ah, if only we could all be as colorblind as the Web!
· Page Six says that instead of setting her career back by starring in the Fantastic Four sequel, Jessica Alba may have chosen to torpedo herself with an I Dream of Jeannie remake with Jimmy Fallon. In either case, it's clear she earned her opportunity strictly on acting talent, and not with her rockin' bod.
· The Baby Jesus sheds a single tear: Jenny McCarthy's marriage is over.
· The Island is hurting the Michael Bay brand in new and exciting ways.
· Things could always be worse for Courtney Love. She could be Natasha Lyonne.

In an online-only interview for Newsweek.com, Jessica Alba finally debunks the rumor that she was approached about becoming Tom Cruise's zombie bride ("No. I have a boyfriend. Why would I go out on a date with another man? I’ve been in a relationship for a year." Du-uh!), a role later played with aplomb by Katie Holmes. There, that's settled. But far more interesting to us is Alba's continuing campaign to make sure the world knows that she's earned every part with acting talent, dammit, and wasn't merely cast because of her logic-defying hotness:

· $20 gets you the once-worn, authentic, 1950s pin-up bathing suit, but you have to take Kathy Griffin with it. It's a package deal. Sorry, no exceptions!
· And now to cleanse the pallette: In the words of Goldenfiddle, "Jessica Alba adjusts her bikini to get the sand out of her acting ability on a beach in Mexico."
· It goes without saying that the idea that Tom Cruise is a relationship addict is completely ridiculous. After all, this is a man who has personally—personally!—stepped countless others off the dangerous street drug of serial monogamy.
· It's only a matter of time before the next celebrity sex tape hits the market, and it looks like Jude Law is the odds-on favorite amateur porn-star-in-waiting.
· Director Joss Whedon reveals that his version of Wonder Woman might not be wearing panties. [via ComicBookMovie.com, scroll down to fifth section.]

· Jessica Alba admits to a past eating disorder, then defiantly claims, "I never see myself as a beautiful woman and have never traded on that to get ahead in this business." Putting her money where her mouth is, Alba then announced her next project, The Virgin Who Wore An Old-Fashioned Diving Suit To Her Casting Sessions.
· Yes, we are aware that O.J. Simpson was ordered to pay $25K to DirectTV for stealing satellite service, and we find it utterly hilarious. But we're loathe to make too much of it and invite a retaliatory stabbing.
· A former Average Joe nerd sues NBC for stealing his ideas to improve the show, causing the network to immediately dispatch a team of male models to pelt the litigious alumnus with dodgeballs.
· This link has everything: intracompany linkwhoring, inside blog baseball (err, softball), and gambling on the odds that either the misfits at our beloved Gawker or the fake-news nerds of The Onion even know which end of the bat to hold. And, of course, very, very inappropriate images posted in poor taste, which we completely expect from our Oddjack colleague. Tsk.