Aniston sex partner and literary scion Justin Theroux shows his bush in this week's New York magazine, prompting squeals of dismay (and occasional arousal?) worldwide.

The Post's totally superfluous Page Six Magazine comes out tomorrow with a cover story about Madonna's former boytoy Jesus Luz. The problem is no one wants to hear him talk. And when he does, he sounds like a fool.

Tom sneaks mascara and facials behind Katie's back. Jim Carrey likes kissing Ewan McGregor. Brad Pitt's nose hair secret revealed! Gwyneth Paltrow has a filthy sense of humor. Wednesday gossip ranges from superficial to superficially sordid.

Taylor Swift writes an angry song about an older man named John. Anne Hathaway "cried everyday" filming sex scenes with Jake Gyllenhaal. Christina Aguilera's inevitable lesbian divorce rumors arrive. Tuesday gossip sings for its supper.

Christina Aguilera liked to hook up with women while married to Jordan Bratman. Jon Gosselin wants his kids off TV. And exclusive Dina Lohan interview can be yours for just thousands of dollars. Saturday Gossip Roundup is a bottled genie.

Madonna boytoy Jesus Luz earns $920 per minute to deejay, if Madge is there.

A "rock solid source" says B is knocked up. Jesse James' fourth mistress comes forward. Remember when Sandra said, if he cheated, she'd beat him with a baseball bat? Heidi Montag works on a screenplay about 3-D boobs. TGIFriday gossip.

She just can't forgive Tiger for sleeping with a porn actress. Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz reunited. Michael Jackson signs a deal from beyond the grave. Every New Yorker hates Brooke Shields. Tuesday's gossip is not taking it anymore.

If a fight broke out, who would survive? Brad colludes with Angelina's kinda incestuous brother. Matthew Fox's stripper may have faulty memory. Madonna's boytoy stands in a corner and cries. Another day, another reality star sex tape. Thursday gossip arrives.

Don't worry, she followed it up with "shhh." A Real Housewife gets bounced from Fashion Week. Kelly Osbourne and Peaches Geldof's elaborate dance of avoidance implodes. John Mayer's so far gone, even Oprah won't touch him. Wednesday gossip cometh.

Unless it's a dance craze called "the boozy ostrich"? Madonna celebrates Carnival with Jesus Luz. Britney celebrates V-Day with saturated fats. Simon Monjack dismantles his Brittany Murphy charity. Heidi Montag finally moves her face. Monday's gossip roundup is hungover.

• Alec Baldwin was rushed to Lenox Hill Hospital early this morning. What happened? That's still unclear for the time being. Although whatever it was, it couldn't have been all that serious considering the hospital released him about an hour later. [People]
• Did John Edwards propose to Rielle Hunter the same day he finally fessed up to being the father of Hunter's 2-year-old baby? Are they now planning to move into a $3.5 million beachfront home where they'll live happily ever after? That's what the National Enquirer reported yesterday. And it's probably best not to doubt the tabloid when it comes to tawdry revelations about America's sleaziest politician. [NYP, P6]
• John Mayer made a bunch of stupid comments in an interview with Playboy earlier this week. And he's been apologizing for them ever since. [Us, P6]
• A new season of Real Housewives of New York City returns in a couple of weeks and Kelly Bensimon is doing her damndest to remain front and center. She's got a new boyfriend (Top Chef contestant Sam Talbot, who split with his wife recently); and she'll soon appear nude in Playboy and says she prepared for the shoot by drinking Corona and eating chicken wings. [P6, Us]

Gaga's dress gets messy in the snow, Jersey Shore's Vinny forgoes a surreal appearance at Yale. John Mayer apologizes for using the n-word. Amanda Bynes doesn't see why craving "chocolate" men is wrong. Thursday's gossip is white all over.

Nuclear Wintour may be blocking SuBo from Vogue—but her motive would be pure. Rachel Uchitel gets a job, Madonna gets a new beau. Is the "oral surgery" delaying Lil' Wayne's incarceration for his grill? Wednesday gossip cometh.

Kim Kardashian's gigantic ass and chewtoy/boyfriend—New Orleans Saints player Reggie Bush—descend on Miami. Let Diddy be Diddy. Madonna's vagina is funny. Kristen Stewart got someone fired. Tiger Woods: excited to jack off? Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.

• It looks like Madonna and Jesus Luz haven't broken up after all. The singer and her Brazilian boy toy attended the London premiere for Tom Ford's A Single Man on Monday night and "they were all over each other" and "kissing in front of everyone," according to people who were there. So if they have broken up, well, they have a funny way of showing it. [NYDN]
• Lindsay Lohan isn't a hoarder because she has a shopping problem; it's because "a lot of it is gifted," says Dina Lohan. LiLo and her mom/party pal say they plan to donate a lot of Lindsay's "stuff" to charity and the public will be able to buy some of it on their website. So head over to lohanhouse.com in case ripped leggings and Red Bull-stained clothing is your thing. [People]
• Tiger Woods is a free man: After a month in sex rehab, he's reportedly flown home to Florida with his wife. So consider yourself warned. [Radar]
• Since things didn't work out too well with Brad, Vince, or John, Jennifer Aniston has decided that she "wants to be set up with a wealthy businessman, not a celebrity," at least according to an anonymous "insider." Somebody call Millionaire Matchmaker's Patti Stanger. Stat! [Us]

In which we discover the sexiest way to report a starlet's jury duty. Tiger Woods exits sex rehab, Madonna and Jesus Luz are still together, and Howard Stern declines American Idol's judging gig. Friday gossip isn't afraid to say 'no.'

It may, however, be a euphemism for "cosmetic procedures too dangerous to be legal in the States." Mackenzie Phillips backtracks on part of her incest claim. Lady Gaga gets a tattoo for her fans. Thursday's gossip will leave a mark.

Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend. At least Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard have reason to celebrate. And, sadly we've been heavy on the deaths lately including TheStreet.com editor Dave Morrow and Boston Legal star Justin Mentell.

• Have Madonna and Jesus Luz gone their separate ways? That's what report today indicates, suggesting it was the couple's "overall lack of mutual interests" that caused the split and it was Luz who called things off. [CST]
• Rip Torn appeared in court yesterday and was formally charged with trespassing, burglary, and possessing a firearm following his arrest over the weekend for breaking into a bank because he thought it was his own house. In all fairness, though, Torn was in rural Connecticut and the "bank" is located in a two-story colonial, so this could have been a mistake that anyone could have made, no? Maybe not. Either way, Torn is now headed to rehab upstate. [NYP, NYDN, TMZ]
• Charlize Theron recently split up with her longtime partner, Stuart Townsend, but she may already have a new man in her life: Theron was spotted in LA last week on what appeared to be a date. [P6]
• Haven't the people of Haiti suffered enough? Hot on the heels of John Travolta's trip to the devastated nation to spread Scientology to the masses and now Michael Lohan and Kate Major say they, too, are planning to head to Haiti to "help" quake victims. [Radar]