When a Florida cellphone store clerk was approached by an armed robber, she turned to Jesus for help: "I'm just going to talk to you about Jesus, my God, before you leave." He left, and later robbed a Payless ShoeSource.

Below is a video of just your average Burn 24-7 holy Jesus worship fest in Fort Mill, SC, with kids dancing and singing out their almost unbearable repressed sexual urges. And then, at the end... is that Will Ferrell?

Dream presidential candidate Glennifer Beck was on his television program last night talking about liberation theology and religion and stuff and he dropped some theological-historical knowledge on us: The Jews killed Jesus! Haven't you missed that old saw?

Do you have a desire to lose weight, an aversion to all those "science-based" workout programs, a gullible nature, and $79, plus shipping? Then you need Body Gospel™—the faith-based workout. But what makes Body Gospel™ so revolutionary?

83-year-old televangelist Robert H. Schuller has handed the reins of Southern California's Crystal Cathedral mega church to his daughter, Sheila. She will inherit a church with a $55 million budget deficit, and $2 million worth of lawsuits. Glory be!

As a tribute to Nobel Prize-winning author Jose Saramago, Playboy Portugal reimagined Saramago's novel The Gospel According to Jesus Christ as a soft-core porno. Now Playboy Enterprises is renouncing its blasphemous Portuguese branch—and shuttering Playboy Portugal.

On his way to an appearance on a grilled cheese sandwich, Jesus took a wrong turn and found himself in a Portuguese brothel. What would Jesus do? Here's Portuguese Playboy to answer this urgent question with NSFW photos.

The artist who designed the original, highly-flammable "Touchdown Jesus" statue that was struck by lightning and burned to the ground this week in Ohio, wants to help design a replacement. The church says the new one will look different. [AP]

Armageddon is finally upon us: The oil spill. The Situation has a record deal. And last night, the six-story "King of Kings" roadside Jesus statue in Ohio was struck by lightning and burned to the ground.

This weekend a naked man caused a five-car pileup after running around calling himself Jesus, then speeding away. Sigh. It's just gotten so boring, the insane pretending to be Christian Jesus. They need new delusions. Here are some ideas!

Host Chris Hardwick brought our attention to a quite an interesting game during last night's episode of Web Soup. Watch a clip of an RPG in which you're God and killing anything and anyone you want—including Jesus.

"Lord Jesus Christ suffers minor injuries in downtown Northampton crosswalk mishap," announces a Massachusetts paper after a car hit a fifty-year-old with the legal named Lord Jesus Christ on the corner of Main St. and Strong Ave.

The Pope pretty much endorsed the Shroud of Turin as Jesus' blanket, saying it "totally corresponds to what the Gospels tell of Jesus." But The Pope also believes this "Jesus" fella rose from the dead, so, grain of salt. [Reuters]

Edwin Valero was one of the most promising boxers on the planet, and a national hero in Venezuela. But last weekend he killed his wife. And this morning he killed himself.

Thalidomide and soda and Vitaminwater and Jesus H. Christ, the Christians are doing yoga. It's your daily health watch, where we watch your health—while sinning!

Easter is the best holiday for sadists, as Catholics worldwide bloody themselves imitating the passion of Christ, just like Mel Gibon's torture porno with that name. It's also rural Filipinos' annual season of infamy, for literally nailing themselves to crosses.

Wanna see The Real Face of Jesus? You can starting tonight on the History Channel which used 3D technology to recreate the image from the Shroud of Turin. This is bullshit in so many different ways.

So Jesus was basically totally screwed over when he was crucified. Some might say he was forsaken. So what if instead of being a humble savior, he was able to wield superhuman strength, a glock, and one bad attitude?

First Elton John called Jesus gay now noted gay and AIDS activist Larry Kramer is on Joy Behar tonight to continue his quest to convince people Lincoln is gay. Stop it! No one cares.

Is "fishers of men" a euphemism for cruising? Adam Lambert kisses a girl. Shakira makes fetal position sexy. Lil' Wayne has eight root canals. The guy who punched Romney is a famed rapper. Friday gossip wants to drill, baby, drill.