To distract voters from their disaffection with Republican policies, the McCain campaign has focussed shamelessly and brilliantly on personality and pedigree. You want a "community organizer" (boo!) or the descendant of a long line of warriors? Now even John McCain's children—like those of his running mate—have been summoned to the cause: daughter Meghan told the Today Show yesterday that only her family could understand war; and wife Cindy trumpeted the family's military tradition in a primetime convention speech last week. "Our son, Jack, will graduate from the United States Naval Academy next year—fourth generation—ready to do his service." But these polished family narratives also draw uncomfortable attention, as the Palins are discovering—and the McCains may also. For that Scots-Irish warrior spirit, somewhat mellowed in the old man, may run a little too undiluted in Jack McCain and his friends. Someone going by the name of the candidate's son called for the killing of "towel heads" on a friend's blog much as John McCain once railed against the gooks in Vietnam, as we'll show below.

The plan was for Track to be the good kid in the Palin family. The athletically-named son of VP nominee Sarah Palin—who's set to ship out soon for Iraq—was portrayed as a symbol of patriotism on stage at the Republican Convention. But did he only join the Army to escape a life of drugs and crime back in Alaska? The newly famous enlistee gets the full investigative treatment from the Enquirer —which always saves the best stuff for the print version. Which we now have in hand! The young man has partied with some very talkative people. So: while Track was watching his mom enthrall the nation, was he really daydreaming of mainlining sweet, sweet Oxycontin and playing "master" criminal back home? We quote: Track is portrayed as the biggest bad boy in Wasilla. A serious drug problem, vandalism, theft, and partying are his main pastimes, allegedly. Which really wouldn't be that remarkable if the Republican party wasn't holding him up as, you know, a role model. If true, this would make the Palins a caricature: the country family with a pregnant teen, son on OxyContin, and a mom desperately trying to present a respectable face to the world. And failing. And honestly, everyone: the Enquirer does not represent the media elite. So the liberal media should be safely insulated from the backlash on this one. The best quotes from the Enquirer's story:

I get the sense Joanna Coles is one of those people whose unbridled enthusiasm for everything lends her a dorky quality that make her gargantuan ambitions somehow endearing. Since she took the editor-in-chief spot at Marie Claire two years ago, the magazine's newsstand sales have plunged nearly 30%, but you get the feeling she doesn't let it get her down! And anyway, people are paying attention to Joanna this Fashion Week because she just hired Project Runway judge Nina Garcia away from Elle. Fashion people sometimes say bitchy things about Joanna, mostly "that Joanna Coles is a nerdy poser who has to pay Nina to sit next to her at fashion shows," because fashion people are ridiculous and so is Joanna, a little bit. Just today Fashion Week Daily ran a huge long interview with her along with a little gossip item that seemed harmless but was actually sort of cruel! Read that and our Coles FAQ — and just for kicks, see a pic of Nina Garcia in a realllly short skirt — after the jump.

Well if it isn't a blessing from the Gawker Media Gods who brought us that pretty fundamentalist rape victim hating Alaska Governess! The Style Network plans to double your viewing rations of Project Runway judge Nina Garcia! This was known already, actually, but now there are details: the show is called Running in Heels and revolves around the staff of Marie Claire magazine, Elle having fired Garcia after deciding to make a reality show featuring Garcia rival Anne Slowey. Nina vs. Anne! Elle vs. Marie Claire! It is like Road Rules vs. The Real World, only…something we'll actually set our DVRs for! But can the show be anywhere near as awesome as the reality-TV-esque circumstances that enabled it to be?Nina told me1 last month she'd had plenty of offers to do other shows before, but didn't want to do a makeover show. She hasn't: According to Marie Claire, Running In Heels intends to "offer unprecedented behind-the-scenes access to Marie Claire and the stylish, smart women who put the magazine together each month," including "private video confessionals," in which "viewers will learn how the interns cope with their jobs, their superiors and each other." That sounds so good!!! Except, of course, for two things: 1. Seriously, it's Marie Claire.2 How bad could the bullshit be at Marie Claire? The show runs the risk of being as boring as Vogue's stupid three million dollar "documentary" web show no one except Tatiana watches. At least Elle's Stylista has the virtue of being watchable, at minimum, as a trainwreck. 2. It's going to be on the Style Network. Which is owned by Comcast, unlike new Project Runway host Lifetime, which is half-owned by Marie Claire publisher Hearst. What kind of entertainment conglomerate snatches up Nina Garcia only to not air her new foray into "docu"-reality TV? Something is off there. My guess is that Nina, who is pretty controlling of her image, did not want to make a campy gossipy addictive voyeuristic Devil Wears Prada-type reality show when she is already, you know, famous.

Hangovers are funny. A particularly insufferable one last Friday morning prompted me to write a post about why no one watches teen soap Gossip Girl (no one does) in which I wrote that I do not, in fact, like the show. And, you know, I sorta still don't—I like the idea of what it could be much better—but it's really hard to say the show has no merits when last night's episode was so... good! Good indeed. Funny and plot-filled and slightly open-ended enough to allow for continued interesting stories in the coming weeks. So yeah. Today, at last, I come to praise Gossip Girl, not to bury it. While a few early scenes did take place out on Long Island, the fun picked up when everyone packed up and limo'd and Jitney'd back to pointy old Manhattan (well, OK, Dan went back to butcher block Brooklyn). Serena and the Humph couldn't stop knocking boots, even on that Hamptons-to-New York bus (that has nothing to do with the August Wilson play). They touched hands and then Serena ate the biggest strawberry known to man and that was enough to send them over the edge. They boffed in the bathroom and then decided they needed to take a break and then they boffed some more. Nate, poor Nate. He haz teh biggest sad evar. His pops is out on the lam, so the Feds are taking all his sweet, sweet haircut-buying money. His moms is all "let's borrow from Chuckles Bass," but Nate won't have it. Instead, he'd like to hit up his old lady, that forty-something-year-old he's been diddling (so far no enormous berries have been involved). So she sorta makes him her kept boy, giving him little envelopes of cash for services rendered. Meanwhile Uta Hagen rolls in her grave because Chace Crawford conveys all of these ups and downs with the same befuddled look. It's like a moth batting at a light in a dim old farmhouse. The only time he mustered something bordering on real was when he asked Chuck if he had a girl with him and then laughed because it's funny to think of his real-life boyfriend being with a girl. Oh, and about that old lady. She's the Duchess, step-mother to that guy Lord Foppington who Blair is trying desperately to hold onto. They kind of have this weird sexy-pex relationship, the Duchess and Foppington, but mostly I guess she glowers about his girlfriends. Blair threw a hilariously last-minute party (with the help of weary, delightful, text-message-receiving Dorota) in the hopes of impressing Foppington and the Duchess, but it was boring and pretend and the Duchess hated it and Blair insulted her bad botox. But then, heh, Blair caught Nate handing the Duchess her scepter and after yelling "oh my effing God!" she blackmailed a stamp of approval out of the mountain lion. Other things happened like Vanessa feeling sad about Nate and flirting, horrendously creepily, with Pa Humphrey, who has returned from his wild, Kerouacian travels across this great gurgling nation of ours, playing muzaks. He thought about going back on the road, but then after seeing some photos of his children doing perfectly well without him, he decided they needed him. Then they all had dinner and Dan said he was writing a novel and I cried bitter tears because no, Dan, you are not writing a novel. So yes. The episode was great and funny and full of intrigue and double-entendres and all that fun bitchy stuff you can only hope for, many times in vain, with this show. Series co-creator Stephanie Savage wrote the episode, which I'm sure didn't hurt. Please continue on this course, thanks. And please just lock Chace Crawford in a glass case and have him dance silently. Anything else is just... [befuddled squint]

Today in Sarah Palin news! This nice young man has gone to the YouTube to announce something very important: he is actually the father of Alaska governor Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol Palin's little fetus. Well. Keven, the nice young man in question, is from Los Angeles, but he says he lived in Wasilla for a while, with his dad, and he and Bristol were "really good friends" who made a baby together. That baby's life began at conception and Kevin went back home to make YouTubes. Oh, you might notice something about Kevin, as you watch this. There is something about him that makes him seem a little different from, say, reported father Levi Johnston. See if you can spot what it is! (Confidential to K.: we think it is pronounced "PAY-lin.") [Radar]

Vincent Gallo is known for his colorful insults. When critic Roger Ebert panned the freaky indie actor's film The Brown Bunny, Gallo called him a "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader" and wished cancer on him (success!) Last Friday, our correspondent, downtown scenester and ex-Defamer Molly Friedman, reported Gallo's comments about Sarah Palin's teenage daughters: "[Gallo] said, 'Look, have you seen that Palin family? She is so hot. And her daughters are so hot.' I said, 'Which one, the pregnant one [Bristol, 17] or the younger one [Willow, 14]?' He said, 'Both of them. They're the hottest family I've ever seen.' I said, 'So are you a pedophile? And he said, "I've been called worse things.'" If you feel you've been wrongly designated a pedophile, an extraordinary outburst in the comments section in which you call a pretty girl an "ugly cunt whore" probably isn't the best way to respond.A delightful excerpt:

Though it's only been a scant ten days since John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate, it's hard to find anyone on earth immune to the media onslaught that followed. Oh, for the halcyon days of mid-August, when our nation was more consumed with the abdominals of Michael Phelps than the baby-making, celebrity-stifling, Liz Lemon-resembling Palin name! To meet the rare creature who still knows nothing about the controversial candidate would be like staring into the windows of our pre-RNC innocence, and reader, we found such a transcendent experience on the carpet of the VMAs last night:Sure, Brooke Hogan's political ignorance may be easy to pillory (though her dark horse candidate would certainly win endorsements from the bulk of last night's Moonman-accepting crowd). After all, this is the same reality star who came under fire for her belief that female menstruation should be an instant DQ for the presidency (so get cracking on that change of life, ladies!). Still, after the events of the past ten days, we can't help but see in Brooke the sort of happy optimism that remains unchanged by frightening new political polls. Sometimes, after reading about the new person Palin had fired or the books she wanted banned from the public library, all we want to do is don a low-cut dress, toss our hair from side to side, and shimmy, shimmy down the red carpet until political doom is just a bad dream on a channel far, far away from VH1. [MTV]

Greetings, Defamer readers! We have something special in store for you today, as the MTV Video Music Awards—the most prestigious of all awards shows celebrating achievement in a medium that peaked when fax machines still seemed cutting-edge—are coming to you from the heart of Hollywood, at Paramount Studios. A plate of Mexican food was all it took to get a homeless man to let us use his body as a human stepladder and hop the gate, giving Defamer editor Seth Abramovitch and associate editor Kyle Buchanan access to the Russell Brandiest musical extravaganza this side of Western Ave! We're not sure what to expect today, or whether any of this might be of interest to you, but for what it's worth, we're already having a ball. We followed a small mob of Christina Aguilera's accountants/background dancers into the actual soundstage, and have been watching the dress rehearsal. So much drama! Miley Cyrus has no power in her dressing room! Her hair people are flipping out! And Lil' Wayne is trapped in a bus at the gate! While we now see how long it takes for it to get back to security that we're actually inside, we'll leave you with the first of what is sure to be many exciting exclusives: An interview with Brand's troubled VMA promo spots co-star. Not Britney, but Tai the Elephant. Our exclusive interview (must credit Defamer) is after the jump, along with the rest of the live blog. What are you waiting for? Check it out!8:12 Kanye closed it out, backed by The Mysterious Drumming Monks of Burbank. Man, what a night. We're going home to celebrate our technical virginity. We dedicate it to Britney Spears! Good night, everyone! See you tomorrow. 8:07 A third trophy for Britney, the Original Purity Ring-Wearing, Intact-Hymen-Flouting Pop Queen! She's now being whisked off in a golf cart with the host to do lines with Tai the Elephant in the V.I.E. section. (Watch out for that Tai—she's a real hoover.) 8:06 Kobes presents VIDEO OF THE YEAR. This is the first time we've actually paid attention to any of the nominees, and you know what? These videos suck. 7:55 There really is a sad irony in having Russell Brand—the most gleefully filthy-minded comic to come along in some time—host the most Jesusy, virginy, Purity Ringy-y VMAs like, ever. We're sure this says Something About America, but we'll wait until Levi Johnston (who's so hardcore—he tattooed his Purity Ring on, bitches) comes on as a surprise presenter to close the show. The tweens will go wild! 7:49 So much for the 2008 MTV Britney Meltdown Awards! She just picked up BEST POP VIDEO, forcing her back on stage for more ratings-friendly face-time. This is the most spectacularly uneventful Triumphant Comeback in history. We're crying glitter. 7:47 There is palpable, seething hatred for Paris Hilton in the room right now. 7:40 "Tokio Hotel [ˈtoːkio hoˈtɛl] is a German band founded in Magdeburg, Germany in 2001 by guitarist Tom Kaulitz, singer Bill Kaulitz, drummer Gustav Schäfer, and bassist Georg Listing." Ah—thanks, Wikipedia. 7:38 Yikes, Russell Brand is losing his voice. The audience, he lost about an hour-and-a-half ago. We really do like Brand, though, so we guide you back now to his legitimately funny interview with us from a few weeks back. It's almost over, Russell. 7:35 It's the Christina Aguilera accountants/background dancers again! Hi, guys! Remember us? From before? When we snuck in behind you into the dress rehearsal? No? OK, nevermind. By the way, we were just told the Fire Marshall shut down the ENTIRE SOUND STAGE. Mark Burnett was pleading with them for 20 minutes trying to get back inside. Seriously, we've never seen chaos like what we witnessed on our way inside here. 7:33 Zac Efron just threw his Purity Ring into the audience. A hysterical teen instantly jumped on it, then ran out of the studio, screaming, "I finally have a legitimate reason to pierce my labia!" 7:29 Rhianna just performed her new duet with T.I. This single doesn't rape Soft Cell, it rapes...the viral video kid who sings the "Numa Numa" song? 7:22 Jordin Sparks just threw down for Purity Ring wearers throughout the world. Or rather, in America. Stupid shit like Purity Rings could only exist here. 7:21 BEST HIP HOP VIDEO winner Lil Wayne just thanked three things: "Family, God, and Y'all," at which point the man wearing a yarmulke next to us clapped enthusiastically, wooed, and shouted back, "Tha's right! We here!" For what it's worth. 7:19 Ah, Slipknot. That's a little more like it—we remember feeling too old for this shit watching them take the stage back in the late '90s. Glad to see they're still committed to the mask shtick. We knew that would come back in style eventually! And we believe we've just been McLovin'd. 7:11 Pink's pleather leotard (pleathertard? No, that's Pam Anderson) has all the Gays in blog row moist in the panties. Oh, and a straight photographer from Reuters—for what's it's worth, Pinks. 7:07 Miley Cyrus was just caught getting busy with the bassist from Rock Band. For heaven's sake—he's not even in a real band, Miley. He's a video game bassist. Can't you ever show some self-restraint? 7:04 Ah yes, Slash and Shia LaBeouf, side by side, where they truly belong. We think this makes Shia's first public appearance since..the incident...and all we want is to see his pinkie. There it is! We love you and we're here for you, Shia's Pinkie. Oh, and Linkin Park won BEST ROCK VIDEO. 6:59 Commercial-time topic for discussion: Notice how the 25th Annual VMAs seem incredibly reluctant to admit to their own age? Face it, MTV: You old. 6:55 Live! From the Whiskey A Go Go! It's Paramore! Ha ha! Tricked you! They're right here, on a set cleverly designed to look like the Whiskey A Go Go. Also—forgive our old-fartiness, but who's Paramore? 6:53 We're not sure if Russell Brand is talking too quickly for us, or too esoterically, but some brain just dribbled out of our left nostril and onto our laptop. 6:45 We now take this boring Pussycat Dolls acceptance speech moment to offer you a video delight: Seth Green and Clark Duke from Greek and Sex Drive delivering a friendly shout-out to you, the Defamer reader! (We apologize in advance if the audio is lousy. We were fighting noise pollution from the Rock Band stage, hovering helicopters, and whatever was coming out of a nearby Joe Francis's mouth at the time.) Click to view 6:41 Russell Brand just delivered a breathless monologue as if he was late for a flight to a country that knows who he is. Lindsay Lohan just announced she's the new lead singer for AC/DC? We think? Yeah we definitely have a touch of sunstroke. 6:40 Lil' Wayne has the room on its feet. He's even lil'er in person! 6:37 Michael Phelps just got a standing ovation, then crapped the pool with a mumbled introduction. We'll assume it had something to do with Leona Lewis, as she is now performing. Behold, ladies and gentleman: what Simon Cowell would look like if he could come back to earth as a woman. 6:30 We thought Katy Perry was doing a fairly straightforward version of "Like A Virgin" by the TravAm BarkDJis pit, until she fooled us all and replaced the word "virgin" with "Jonas." Because they're all virgins, you see. We can't wait to see what she does with her cover of the Divinyls "I Touch Miley Self!" (Groan.) Oh well, we got "I Kissed A Girl" instead. This is jam of the summer! High five! 6:28 So THAT'S what those mobs of tweens were doing in the lot. Run, Jonas brothers, run! They'll tear you to shreds and consume you alive! 6:26 Apparently the Jonas Brothers are performing live from the set of 227. Jackee just sauntered by and pinched Nick's cheek. Aww... 6:24 Chris Brown gives a short and sweet acceptance speech; he seems genuinely surprised that Mrs. Jefferson didn't win instead. 6:22 Back from commercial and it's a surprise appearance by the world's premiere Cougar Temptress Queen, Demi Moore, growling out the nominees for BEST...uh...SOMETHING INVOLVING MALE R&B SINGERS. Oh, it's BEST MALE. 6:13 So we're finally in our seats, and apparently we've missed Britney Spears's, much-hyped, four-second appearance. BUT WAIT! She just won BEST FEMALE VIDEO, looking sparkly in a short gown custom designed by Giovanni di Sparkly. Forgive our tardiness, it's truly a madhouse on the lot the likes of which we have never seen in our lives. Lines leading seemingly nowhere, security who have no idea what event they're covering, and the random cater waiter carrying a tray of champagne. We think we just got sunstroke on the red carpet (though we met Sumner Redstone!). Back in a moment after we get our bearings. Click to view

Now that those exhausting political conventions are finally over, we can get back to the issues that really matter to hardworking Americans: sex addiction, huge breasts, and plastic surgery! That's right, it's time for another installment of Dirt Sandwich, prepared by Defamer videographer (and viable third party candidate) Molly McAleer. What's her platform, you ask? Why, it's to make sure that ordinary people have access to both universal health care and celebrity clip montages. After all, when that phone rings at 3AM, we need a candidate who knows how to deal with Jennie Garth's dramatic 10-pound weight gain, not one who'll have to learn about it on the job. That's the kind of experience you'll be getting from Molly McAleer on Day One — won't you cast your vote today?

Know what's kinda funny? Just as the whole Republican convention has transpired with basically negative five mentions of George W. Bush because he is so grotesquely unpopular even among all weird hat people, the bleeding-hearts of the Media Elite are having a moment of premature nostalgia for his wife thanks mostly to Curtis Sittenfeld's epic new work of Laura Bush fan fiction American Wife. Because, as the novelized Laura says: "All I did is marry him. You are the ones who gave him power." And, "the single most astonishing fact of political life to me has been the gullibility of the American people…[What] caught me by surprise was the way the American people and the American media egged him on, how complicit they were in Charlie's cultivation of a war-president persona…Even in our cynical age, the percentage of the population who is told something and therefore believes it to be true - it's staggering." I know, right? I really want to believe the real Laura Bush would say the same thing. But would she?Some critics are calling this characterization of Laura a "liberal fantasy." But why do we cling to the fantasy even when Real First Lady Laura Bush totally hung out with Sarah Palin just the other day? Because she actually has very little in common with Sarah Palin, which is why we're all pondering working on our painkiller addictions right about now! The evidence. 1. Laura Bush is a librarian and Sarah Palin bans books.(Sort of in the way Jesus was a community organizer and Pontius Pilate was a governor!) Which brings me to the funniest thing about the story of how Sarah Palin, upon becoming mayor of Wasilla, called up the local librarian to inquire about banning books: the idea never went anywhere because she didn't seem to know what books she'd ban. Sarah Palin doesn't read! Duh. Neither, probably, does Cindy McCain. Laura Bush's favorite book is The Brothers Karamazov, a fact that I still find sort of mindblowing, but anyway, that is what makes this sort of shit so funny. 2. Laura Bush is pro-choice. When Cindy McCain found herself in that messy conundrum over whether Roe v. Wade ought to be overturned earlier this week, to whom did she turn for guidance? According to Katie Couric, Cindy's spokespeople said that she, like Laura Bush, did not want Roe overturned. Who knows why Laura Bush is pro-choice; maybe she read American Tragedy, maybe it's just because she killed someone herself and the law had gone easy on her; maybe she's just a rational person, but whatever the case, women like Laura Bush — not Northeastern Marxists like me or "I Choose Life For My Daughter And Everyone Else In America" Alaskan prophets like Sarah Palin— are ones who live in those crazy states that are always trying to add little "abortion banning" amendments to transportation bills and such, the ones who actually live in states where this stuff comes up on the ballot every November. And as such, women like Laura Bush are the only reason Roe has yet to go back before the Supreme Court. 3. Laura Bush raised Jenna Bush. Laura Bush's other vocation besides library science was being a mother, and even that Communist organ Us Weekly agrees that Jenna Bush turned out pretty good. Laura Bush raised a fun underage-drinking socially-conscious charter school teacher who spent months in the ghettos of that little country her granddaddy invaded learning about the tragic life of a teenage mom with AIDS for the purpose of writing a cautionary tale of what happens when you don't use condoms. Sarah Palin raised a fun underage-drinking cautionary tale of what happens when you don't use condoms. 4. Laura Bush is a walking living and in some ways tragic symbol of the emotional core of liberalism, which is to say, our bottomless capacity to forgive. She had a tragedy in her early life and for that reason alone most of us will forgive her unwillingness to try and make herself into some sort of internal dissident in the Cheney White House. She reads Russian lit, she knows how it goes for dissidents. She forgives her ignorant husband the way we all forgive our ignorant racist grandmas. She accepts his differences and we preach acceptance. She is from a Red State and married to a red meat Republican but she defies all the usual pithy pollster cartoonology; she has never had big hair even though she's from Texas, she has never been blonde even though that is a major rule for Republicans in DC; she has never seemed Stepfordy, she smokes cigarettes. And like with Laura, said sentimentality can lead us to be forgiving to a fault! Remember how we hated Clinton for his triangulation and his beholdenness to Wall Street and his generalized moral turpitude? Ha ha ha, yeah. Don't let's let this become the election that gets us all misty-eyed for the Bush years in a couple years time, Laura Bushes of the world! (God did you ever think that would even be a possibility? Christ.) OH AND BONUS EXTRA THING I FORGOT: She defended Michelle Obama against those ridiculous attacks on her patriotism that both Cindy and Sarah Palin have milked well into elementary school at this point. Thanks for pointing out, readers!

The Oprah story on Drudge was maybe a bit of a stretch! Does it matter? No! The "damage" is done. It's proof that we've finally reached the most maddening 2004-throwback part of the campaign: the bit where they (let us just say "campaign operatives") throw out absolute bullshit to the friendliest of sources and wait for it to bubble up. We didn't think this would work anymore, in this brave new bloggy future—but it does! RedState heard Palin's teleprompter broke and she soldiered on like a pro! A guy who watched the speech in view of her teleprompter says that is not true, at all, wtf. Too late! The story's already being repeated as gospel! Drudge says Oprah refuses to have Sarah Palin on her show! Oprah says there hasn't been any discussion, we only just heard of this woman a week ago, wtf, I'll have her on later. Who cares? Hell, on a macro level various people call Sarah Palin a "maverick" and "reformer" and then she is one. Democrats can't replicate this strategy because there is not a legitimate news organization in the world that would unquestioningly use Kos (or even HuffPo??) as a source. But if they want to try we'll happily post an item on that one time Martin Balsam and Robert Shaw hijacked Joe Biden's Acela and killed the engineer and he outwitted all of them and drove the train to safety. Now we wait for Chris Matthews to take the bait!

Katie Couric was supposed to be a terrible overpaid diva whose terrible "soft" overhaul of the CBS evening news had dragged the network down to dead last in the ratings and whose entire career was on life support due to the poor return on investment the network was booking on her annual $15-22 million salary. But look, it turns out her flagging Q-rating has not completely robbed her of all talent and skill! Today's Times suggests this presidential campaign might rehabilitate her broken reputation. Because she gets "more interesting answers" from politicians. Like, holy shit! On Wednesday night, she interviewed Cindy McCain, and it turns out Cindy McCain does not know what Roe V. Wade is! No really, check the transcript:

The attempt by the McCain campaign to deflect criticism of their insane choice of running mate by assailing the media is already ridiculous. Steve Schmidt whined to Howard Kurtz about hypothetical questions asked by journalists that have not resulted in stories printed anywhere. They boycotted Larry King because Campbell Brown dared ask mean questions of Tucker Bounds. Now their surrogates are grasping at the most sublimely ridiculous straw of all: when asked by Chris Matthews to name the major media outlets engaged in character assassination of Sarah Palin, adorable Florida Congressman Adam Putnam named Us Weekly. Us Weekly! Yes we did just reveal their radical secret agenda today but still, this is the best you can do? Chris Matthews then calls it "the U. S. Weekly." Now the McCain campaign will boycott magazines, probably.

Is fashion too gay? I know, I know, that is like asking, "do Americans love Jesus too much?" Like, maybe they do, but in general neither side is attempting to carbomb the other into submission and that is why Toqueville loved it here! But speaking of French transplants: many in the publishing world believe that Elle, America's second-biggest (and first-best) fashion magazine, has gotten "too gay" under great helmsman Joe Zee, who succeeded longtime "director" Gilles Bensimon, a lecherous Euro modelizer (who once was married to 'Elle' Macpherson!). Gilles was pushed out of the magazine in a protracted power struggle with Editor-in-chief Robbie Myers* that famously culminated in the firing of style director (and least gay person on Project Runway) Nina Garcia, and in came Joe at the beginning of last year. Gilles, who basically defined the magazine's look after 22 years in the job, liked to celebrate the "Essence of Woman"; Joe, a refugee from the male shopping rag Vitals, is more of an "Essence of Faghag" type. Opening arguments after the jump!Here, boiled down, are the arguments pro and con, which I gleaned in the process of chronicling the Anne Slowey-Nina Garcia Project Runway Stylista saga a couple weeks ago. As a non-consumer of fashion, I don't have a very strong personal opinion on the matter, but I bet I know someone who does! (Ha ha ha, well, my boss duh.) JOE ZEE'S ELLE = TOO GAY. Joe Zee is too gay. He is so gay he immediately brought in his gay boyfriend to work as the web editor. He thinks everyone should dress like Mary-Kate Olsen and he only likes gay celebrities like Mariah and Lindsay, except he is probably over Linds now that she is actually really gay. Everyone who loves him and thinks he is so nice is just fooled by the fact that he is a gay man and everyone knows gay men act nicer than straight men but deep down they are STILL MEN. Also he has ADD and is a self-promoter. When Gilles and Nina and their crew were running things, the magazine was classier and not so trendy and the halls were filled with the sounds of cool accents screaming at one another. Now everyone screams in American. Gilles' style was more timeless and feminine and less consumerporny and that's how it differentiated itself from Vogue. And seriously, why do you think Gilles is Tyra's favorite photographer? JOE ZEE'S ELLE = JUST GAY ENOUGH Whatevs! You are in America now, and in America people who like fashion (Marc! Tom! Christian Siriano!) are GAY. Like is it just through some bizarre series of unrelated circumstances that Elle resurrected its whole business thanks to its appearance on the gayest show on the gay network? And where do you expect all those mediagays to work, anyway? Men's magazines???? Hahahahahahahaha sorry, but the Fashion Week galas are just slightly better in women's! Oh, and Joe's boyfriend can actually code HTML, which is just a little more than slightly more qualified than we might say for that ex-wife Gilles made "editor in chief" of Elle Accessories! In any case, the rising generation of fashion consumers is a bunch of Fashion Spot-posting Project Runway marathoning MK-idolizing Santogold-muxtaping Andy Sachs wannabes with just the sort of warped priorities that sell fashion magazines, and you know what? When that generation invariably arrives in New York to waste its twenties buying boots and learning the hard way that there is no such thing as a free bump, it is going to need some real friends and guess what THOSE FRIENDS ARE ALL GAY. Okay everybody, recess! We'll follow up with some exhibits from both sides once we're reunited with our scanners.

Nude supermodel photo scandal lawsuit alert! An anonymous model has filed suit in Miami against Egotastic.com and Splash photo agency for taking pictures of her sunbathing in her birthday suit (NAKED) in her own backyard—"as is often done by professional models to avoid tan lines." Invasion of privacy and emotional distress! But who is this mysterious, super-beautiful plaintiff? She helpfully includes several clues [UPDATE: the case may already be cracked!]:

Perhaps you've heard, but a little show called 90210 premiered last night on the CW (to record ratings) and nobody is happier about it than lead actress Shenae Grimes, the smilingest girl who ever smiled. Though she's ostensibly playing the show's Brenda Walsh archetype, Grimes eschewed Shannen Doherty's near-goth hauteur to deliver two hours of the biggest, widest, most non-stop smiling since Denise Richards grinned her way through Starship Troopers. With the help of videographer Molly McAleer, we've assembled a montage of Grimes compulsively flashing those pearly whites; whether she's flirting with the school bad boy, bantering with a terrifyingly well-preserved Lori Loughlin, or wondering, "Gee, doesn't this high school seem like it came out of a generic Anytown, USA rather than a truly decadent Beverly Hills," Grimes simply can't stop beaming. Shenae, we're sorry — but like bad-girl blogger Silver, we're simply speaking the truth. Don't worry, we're still BFF's. Catch you at The Pit? [The CW]

Is Us Weekly biased? That's what Fox News has been saying all morning in light of that "Sarah Palin, Governor of the Rhythm Method State" cover. But (in stark contrast to so many of the other things we hear on Fox News) we did not want to believe Us Weekly had a political agenda, mainly because, as with Fox News, we like to forget that whoever Us Weekly is targeting at is actually allowed to vote. But in the face of mounting evidence that the network might be on to something we gave the issue a thorough examination, and it pains me to report that Us Weekly is biased. So biased. You could be forgiven for wondering if the whole rag wasn't being bankrolled by a big gay homofag! (If not Hamas!!!) Here readers, the evidence:Its owner is Jann (pronounced Yann, like the first syllable of "Yanni") Wenner Jann Wenner not only gives money to Democrats, he has such a hard-on for some Democrats his other magazines have been known to run images of Democratic candidates with sporting actual hard-ons. (Fig. 1) Also, ever since he came out of the closet after in his mid forties, Jann Wenner has been a "known homosexual." Us has a known toxic love-hate relationship with probable neoconservative Angelina Jolie. Despite her estrangement from her Republican father*, Angelina Jolie has persistently refused to tow the typical Hollywood liberal line, telling interviewers she hasn't yet decided which candidate will get her vote in the November election and allowing that she is fond of John McCain. Savvy observers will note, however, that Angelina Jolie's conservative leanings, aired most publicly in her February Washington Post guest op-ed piece supporting the McCain-backed troop surge, actually predate the conception of Bristol Palin's unborn child. Surely Us has been "keeping tabs" on Jolie's political sympathies, and quite possibly applied pressure in the case she threatens to break from the socialist liberal Hollywood homodoxy. Do you think it's a coincidence that their harshest attack on Angelina's fitness for motherhood coincided with the theretofore deadliest form of exactly the sort of insurgent attack the troop surge was engineered to combat? ("Yes" is actually the right answer to that question, just to be clear!) (Fig. 2) Today's headlines speak for themselves. COVER STORY: Sarah Palin: Political Opponent Recalls Being Ridiculed EXCLUSIVE: Cindy McCain's Half Sister: I'm Voting For Barack Obama EXCLUSIVE: Tim Gunn: "No Contest" — Michelle has better style than Cindy Father Of Bristol Palin's Baby: I Don't Want Kids But in fact, Us has been tacitly endorsing Democrat Barack Obama ever since it branded the Illinois senator Just Like Us in February. (No such pronouncement was made of John McCain, whose appearances in the magazine have thus far been limited primarily to his surprise show of support from The Hills star Heidi Montag, which the magazine immediately undermined by quoting Heidi's fiancee Spencer Pratt saying he "didn't think America cared" who Heidi supported.) Meanwhile, when Obama nakedly dodged a question posed by the magazine earlier this year, the magazine managed to "package" it (so to speak) in a way that seemed to paint the Democratic senator in a favorable light. IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, though, the media crit mob is probably right that going all "Kos" on Palin — and seriously, how exactly does a Troopergate cover line sit next to "Halle Berry First Baby Photos!"?? — smacks of hubris and recklessness, if not another outright attempt to distance itself from the heartland and paint itself as the trashy supermarket tabloid of privileged thin Blue Staters who just like killing brain cells. Either way, it's kind of tacky. But um, then, we are the ones who just spent the last hour assessing the policy agenda of Us Weekly.

"North! To Alaska—c'mon, the rush is on." Caribou, moose, and redneck jokes, gun porn, and now a real, live, out-of-wedlock teen pregnancy. How will the chattering classes of the blue states respond to the family saga of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin? Why, with the same flinty-eyed suspicion and close-mindedness that we profess to hate in the "God, gays, and guns" country of rural Americans. The Palin family background gives otherwise intelligent people the chance to indulge in the basest and most cartoonish of regional and rural stereotypes.Exhibit 1: The use of the word "Baby Daddy" by everyone from Drudge to Radar to Us Weekly to the Daily Intel. Everyone's using this phrase, because it's easy and snarky. It's not particularly original, though, and it's no longer funny if everyone else is saying it. Cut it out. (Also, I am aware that many persons of color sometimes use this phrase un-ironically, but you sound like an ass if you're white.) Exhibit 2: Alaska, OMG! Even the highfalutin' Bill Maher couldn't help reaching for some easy laughs, jumping into the fray with, "when [Palin] got a phone call at three in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten into the garbage can." Funny! But also: "If [McCain dies] this stewardess can handle it." Snob! Exhibit 3: Redneck Hillbilly White Trash Hicks Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin's soon-to-be teen dad, called himself a redneck out of pride, so there's his excuse. Everyone else, however:

Just when we thought America had narrowly averted tragedy over the long weekend, word arrived this morning that voice-over legend Don LaFontaine died Monday of complications from a collapsed lung. He was 68. LaFontaine voiced more than 5,000 trailers and 350,000 commercials in his career, which began by accident in 1965 when he provided a last-minute fill-in for an MGM radio spot. He continued on as an independent artist and eventually joined Paramount in 1978 as head of trailer production — the time during which he became known as the "voice" of the studio and oversaw his favorite trailer, for 1980's The Elephant Man. He had long since returned to independent production, most famously working on-camera last year as a pitchman for Geico. But around Defamer HQ we have our own LaFontaine high point (viewable after the jump), and we're sure he would have agreed if only he could reconsider. May this proud son of Duluth, Minn., rest in peace; if they had any shame, the Republicans just down the road would put off another GOP Convention day in the spirit of quiet remembrance. [ETOnline]