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Greetings, Defamer readers! We have something special in store for you today, as the MTV Video Music Awards—the most prestigious of all awards shows celebrating achievement in a medium that peaked when fax machines still seemed cutting-edge—are coming to you from the heart of Hollywood, at Paramount Studios. A plate of Mexican food was all it took to get a homeless man to let us use his body as a human stepladder and hop the gate, giving Defamer editor Seth Abramovitch and associate editor Kyle Buchanan access to the Russell Brandiest musical extravaganza this side of Western Ave! We're not sure what to expect today, or whether any of this might be of interest to you, but for what it's worth, we're already having a ball. We followed a small mob of Christina Aguilera's accountants/background dancers into the actual soundstage, and have been watching the dress rehearsal. So much drama! Miley Cyrus has no power in her dressing room! Her hair people are flipping out! And Lil' Wayne is trapped in a bus at the gate! While we now see how long it takes for it to get back to security that we're actually inside, we'll leave you with the first of what is sure to be many exciting exclusives: An interview with Brand's troubled VMA promo spots co-star. Not Britney, but Tai the Elephant. Our exclusive interview (must credit Defamer) is after the jump, along with the rest of the live blog. What are you waiting for? Check it out!8:12 Kanye closed it out, backed by The Mysterious Drumming Monks of Burbank. Man, what a night. We're going home to celebrate our technical virginity. We dedicate it to Britney Spears! Good night, everyone! See you tomorrow. 8:07 A third trophy for Britney, the Original Purity Ring-Wearing, Intact-Hymen-Flouting Pop Queen! She's now being whisked off in a golf cart with the host to do lines with Tai the Elephant in the V.I.E. section. (Watch out for that Tai—she's a real hoover.) 8:06 Kobes presents VIDEO OF THE YEAR. This is the first time we've actually paid attention to any of the nominees, and you know what? These videos suck. 7:55 There really is a sad irony in having Russell Brand—the most gleefully filthy-minded comic to come along in some time—host the most Jesusy, virginy, Purity Ringy-y VMAs like, ever. We're sure this says Something About America, but we'll wait until Levi Johnston (who's so hardcore—he tattooed his Purity Ring on, bitches) comes on as a surprise presenter to close the show. The tweens will go wild! 7:49 So much for the 2008 MTV Britney Meltdown Awards! She just picked up BEST POP VIDEO, forcing her back on stage for more ratings-friendly face-time. This is the most spectacularly uneventful Triumphant Comeback in history. We're crying glitter. 7:47 There is palpable, seething hatred for Paris Hilton in the room right now. 7:40 "Tokio Hotel [ˈtoːkio hoˈtɛl] is a German band founded in Magdeburg, Germany in 2001 by guitarist Tom Kaulitz, singer Bill Kaulitz, drummer Gustav Schäfer, and bassist Georg Listing." Ah—thanks, Wikipedia. 7:38 Yikes, Russell Brand is losing his voice. The audience, he lost about an hour-and-a-half ago. We really do like Brand, though, so we guide you back now to his legitimately funny interview with us from a few weeks back. It's almost over, Russell. 7:35 It's the Christina Aguilera accountants/background dancers again! Hi, guys! Remember us? From before? When we snuck in behind you into the dress rehearsal? No? OK, nevermind. By the way, we were just told the Fire Marshall shut down the ENTIRE SOUND STAGE. Mark Burnett was pleading with them for 20 minutes trying to get back inside. Seriously, we've never seen chaos like what we witnessed on our way inside here. 7:33 Zac Efron just threw his Purity Ring into the audience. A hysterical teen instantly jumped on it, then ran out of the studio, screaming, "I finally have a legitimate reason to pierce my labia!" 7:29 Rhianna just performed her new duet with T.I. This single doesn't rape Soft Cell, it rapes...the viral video kid who sings the "Numa Numa" song? 7:22 Jordin Sparks just threw down for Purity Ring wearers throughout the world. Or rather, in America. Stupid shit like Purity Rings could only exist here. 7:21 BEST HIP HOP VIDEO winner Lil Wayne just thanked three things: "Family, God, and Y'all," at which point the man wearing a yarmulke next to us clapped enthusiastically, wooed, and shouted back, "Tha's right! We here!" For what it's worth. 7:19 Ah, Slipknot. That's a little more like it—we remember feeling too old for this shit watching them take the stage back in the late '90s. Glad to see they're still committed to the mask shtick. We knew that would come back in style eventually! And we believe we've just been McLovin'd. 7:11 Pink's pleather leotard (pleathertard? No, that's Pam Anderson) has all the Gays in blog row moist in the panties. Oh, and a straight photographer from Reuters—for what's it's worth, Pinks. 7:07 Miley Cyrus was just caught getting busy with the bassist from Rock Band. For heaven's sake—he's not even in a real band, Miley. He's a video game bassist. Can't you ever show some self-restraint? 7:04 Ah yes, Slash and Shia LaBeouf, side by side, where they truly belong. We think this makes Shia's first public appearance since..the incident...and all we want is to see his pinkie. There it is! We love you and we're here for you, Shia's Pinkie. Oh, and Linkin Park won BEST ROCK VIDEO. 6:59 Commercial-time topic for discussion: Notice how the 25th Annual VMAs seem incredibly reluctant to admit to their own age? Face it, MTV: You old. 6:55 Live! From the Whiskey A Go Go! It's Paramore! Ha ha! Tricked you! They're right here, on a set cleverly designed to look like the Whiskey A Go Go. Also—forgive our old-fartiness, but who's Paramore? 6:53 We're not sure if Russell Brand is talking too quickly for us, or too esoterically, but some brain just dribbled out of our left nostril and onto our laptop. 6:45 We now take this boring Pussycat Dolls acceptance speech moment to offer you a video delight: Seth Green and Clark Duke from Greek and Sex Drive delivering a friendly shout-out to you, the Defamer reader! (We apologize in advance if the audio is lousy. We were fighting noise pollution from the Rock Band stage, hovering helicopters, and whatever was coming out of a nearby Joe Francis's mouth at the time.) Click to view 6:41 Russell Brand just delivered a breathless monologue as if he was late for a flight to a country that knows who he is. Lindsay Lohan just announced she's the new lead singer for AC/DC? We think? Yeah we definitely have a touch of sunstroke. 6:40 Lil' Wayne has the room on its feet. He's even lil'er in person! 6:37 Michael Phelps just got a standing ovation, then crapped the pool with a mumbled introduction. We'll assume it had something to do with Leona Lewis, as she is now performing. Behold, ladies and gentleman: what Simon Cowell would look like if he could come back to earth as a woman. 6:30 We thought Katy Perry was doing a fairly straightforward version of "Like A Virgin" by the TravAm BarkDJis pit, until she fooled us all and replaced the word "virgin" with "Jonas." Because they're all virgins, you see. We can't wait to see what she does with her cover of the Divinyls "I Touch Miley Self!" (Groan.) Oh well, we got "I Kissed A Girl" instead. This is jam of the summer! High five! 6:28 So THAT'S what those mobs of tweens were doing in the lot. Run, Jonas brothers, run! They'll tear you to shreds and consume you alive! 6:26 Apparently the Jonas Brothers are performing live from the set of 227. Jackee just sauntered by and pinched Nick's cheek. Aww... 6:24 Chris Brown gives a short and sweet acceptance speech; he seems genuinely surprised that Mrs. Jefferson didn't win instead. 6:22 Back from commercial and it's a surprise appearance by the world's premiere Cougar Temptress Queen, Demi Moore, growling out the nominees for BEST...uh...SOMETHING INVOLVING MALE R&B SINGERS. Oh, it's BEST MALE. 6:13 So we're finally in our seats, and apparently we've missed Britney Spears's, much-hyped, four-second appearance. BUT WAIT! She just won BEST FEMALE VIDEO, looking sparkly in a short gown custom designed by Giovanni di Sparkly. Forgive our tardiness, it's truly a madhouse on the lot the likes of which we have never seen in our lives. Lines leading seemingly nowhere, security who have no idea what event they're covering, and the random cater waiter carrying a tray of champagne. We think we just got sunstroke on the red carpet (though we met Sumner Redstone!). Back in a moment after we get our bearings. Click to view