Remember that episode of Sex and the City when two women tip Samantha off to a great new male masseuse, who does special things not typically included in your standard massage? (When she finally goes to him, he refuses to "perform" and she gets him in trouble, which enrages the other women—"Who's going to fuck me now?!") Well! Turns out this situation is not an urban myth. Tango, the magazine about relationships, investigates: "'It's such a well-known thing for guys, and women are finally getting more comfortable asking for it,' said Anna, a self-described 'massage healer' who has worked at several upscale spas and performed happy endings on female customers." Huh. After the jump—the spas in question.

Sightings and anecdotes of creepy sexual compulsive/sexually aggressive dataholic Paul Janka are way funnier when written by a dude who could easily kick his ass. That's why we're pleased to bring you this very special Janka sighting from Cajun Boy, who spotted him in Madison Square Park, talking loudly into his cell. "You know how you can come in contact with someone, even from afar, and you just know all there is to know about them immediately, like within a matter of seconds?" he asks, before qualifying Janka as a "cheesedick." Why, yes; yes we do. The overheard phrase that caught his attention? "Whenever I'm at home and I have a girl in my bed..."

Now that Bonnie Fuller's been kicked out of American Media, she can finally reveal the dirty secrets of how the Celebrity Tabloid game is really played. It's all an elaborate Watergate-like conspiracy! The celebs are in collusion with the glossies! You know that thing where baseball player Alex Rodriguez was suddenly hanging out with Madonna and divorcing his wife? Remember that? You know how none of it made any sense? Well Fuller-whose career in the tabloid trenches gives her a special understanding of how these sorts of stories work-smells a rat. An aerobics-addicted 49-year-old celebrity rat.

Patti Smith; who doesn't love her? (Even though the last time I saw her show, she forgot half her lyrics onstage and appeared totally stoned. Rock and roll!) Thing is, however, is that the media has been tremendously unimaginative in the last twenty or so years when writing about a lady who is equal parts artist, rock star, and stay-at-home mom. "Punk poet" and "godmother of punk" are the standard descriptors that have been in use since 1977. Deb Solomon mostly sidesteps that trap in this week's New York Times Magazine, asking instead: What's up with her hair?

Ever wondered how the hacks at Worst Website In the World TMZ craft their stories? No? Too bad, because I'm going to tell you anyway. A concerned tipster has directed our attention to a humble site called the Courthouse News Service, a place where lots of pdfs of legal documents can be found and original reporting is filed. TMZ, god bless 'em, has been stealing from them for months. Basically they'll pepper up a CN story with some truly shitty writing, slap their large watermark on public documents that CN just happens to always have attached to their posts, and sometimes even dare to call the post an "Exclusive." Evidence is after the jump.

Pixar's new movie, about the robot from Short Circuit falling in love with a mechanized tampon and exploring a universe which has ruined and been ruined by humanity, has some people upset. Specifically, the overweight. You see, in the film, the last gobs of the human race are doughy and lazy folk who drink liquid cupcakes and can't even really walk. And that's not fair! Right? Why is Pixar, usually so loving and tender to all of God's creatures, suddenly lashing out at such a large swath of the population, equating them with the decay of civilization? A tearful former Pixar fan writes a letter to the company:

America's celebrity magazines are facing a grave situation: the interest in celebrities themselves is not great enough to move the millions of copies they need to sell. No, all that people really want to see are celebrity babies. That's where the money is these days. But the vital open flow of capital in our national celebrity baby picture market is being threatened by OK! magazine's blatant pandering and deep pockets. Can we accept a bunch of sleazy, credulous Brits winning the first $15 million-plus baby picture auction? It staggers the mind! Here is the nature of the threat:

In the ungoverned wilds of Chinese industry, where intellectual property is barely policed by the ineffectual People's Glorious Bureau of Familiar Western Faces and Poultry Grading, it's not an uncommon occurrence to stumble upon an A-list celebrity gracing the packaging of some 99¢ Only-store-bound product.

For some reason we are strangely obsessed with actress and reformed party girl Lindsay Lohan's totes heroic lesbian relationship. Maybe it's because we never saw it coming. Gay rumors just don't seem to affix themselves to female celebrities as much as they do to their hunky, becoiffed male counterparts (yoohooooo Chacey!) and she seemed to enjoy dating mens. Though maybe we should have detected some early signs. Look at the hungry gleam in the young actress's eyes as costar Rachel McAdams (where'd she go?) tells her a tale of Sapphistry in the 2004 film Mean Girls. Really, look at it! The video is above. If you need a more direct lesbian reading of the scene, you can read a revised transcript here. (Yes we realize that this is totally silly.)

Mariah Carey has gotten us through tough times with her song "We Belong Together." That's why it's so unfortunate to see her unwittingly star in the worst Photoshop job we've seen in a long time. "Her New Body," exclaims the Elle cover line. It certainly is! It's not even hers. Sure, she slimmed down—but not that much, as you'll see from our photo gallery. Also: her head has been re-attached to her body crookedly, making her resemble a Bobblehead. Come on, Elle: it's like you're not even trying. The many Photoshop horrorshows trotted out before the magazine-buying public is astounding for two reasons.

Lindsay Lohan's lesbian relationship is now so open that girlfriend Samantha Ronson has even put up a photo of the two kissing on her MySpace page. So why did it take so long for everybody to recognize that the troubled starlet and the Ronson family spinner were a couple? It was waaay back in summer 2007 that Star first reported how the new couple supposedly kept the fires burning by exchanging sexually charged messages on MySpace. And it's not as if the public has an aversion to hot girl-on-girl action. Famous girls no less! One of which you don't even have to imagine naked! Why the lag?

A while back, I signed up for creepy sexual compulsive/sexually aggressive dateaholic Paul Janka's e-mail list, which sends newsletters with tips on how to pick up hot chicks—or, more accurately, confused and lonely women. Now he's planning a dating seminar! It's called "Rock Solid Game" (heh), and it'll be at the Hotel Gansevoort on August 30th and 31st! Click for the e-mail—we have plenty of time to think up ways to make this event unpleasant for Paul. (Ladies, we don't want a group of guys being educated by the likes of him.)

The Hollywood rumor about rivalry between two Condé Nast editors-passed along by former New York Times reporter, Sharon Waxman-sounds incredible. Why would Graydon Carter, the behemoth of Vanity Fair, bother to ice out his colleagues at Joanne Lipman's Portfolio?

Is there a behind-the-scenes magazine war going on between Vogue and Interview for the services of the best photographers in the business? Sources say there just might be! It's a rather important issue, considering the publications. The spat, we hear, goes to the heart of icy Vogue editor Anna Wintour's sense of entitlement in the fashion magazine world. Do not make her jealous:

Supposedly, the Yankee player's wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, is in Paris with Lenny Kravitz right now. Fun fact? Kravitz and rumored A-Rod lover Madonna used to hook up, as well. Another fun fact? Kravitz has been practicing celibacy for the last three years. Confused by all these facts? Check out our handy chart.

As we reported yesterday, Candace Bushnell uses a character in her next novel to retaliate against the disrespectful new generation of journalists which has emerged since the Sex And The City creator gave up her relationship column in the New York Observer. The bogeyman of One Fifth Avenue is Thayer Core-"a blogger on one of those vicious new websites that had popped up in the last few years, displaying a hatred and vitriol that was unprecedented in civilized New York." But the thin-skinned author gives the gossip blogs far too much credit.

$8 million. Does that seem like a lot of money for a company to pay to have mediocre models use their hair products on a mediocre cable show for a few seasons? It kind of does. But that's how much The Weinstein Company, run by entertainment mogul Harvey Weinstein, is trying to squeeze out of L'Oreal for three seasons of sponsorship of Project Runway. Of course, Weinstein has a long history of pimping out the fashion reality show to every company on earth willing to pay a dime to be on it, using it as a profit machine to support his company's less sure-thing ventures. And he's still milking it for every cent. How do we know? Because he left all the evidence in a public trash can:

CBS war correspondent Lara Logan was recently promoted to "Chief Foriegn Affairs Correspondent," but no one noticed because OMG SEX SCANDAL! The Enquirer broke it, the Post semi-legitimized it, and it's been mentioned now in, like, real newspapers and everything. She slept with some people in Iraq! One of them was married! Some wonder if there is maybe a double standard. Would we hear about the dalliences of male journalists in the war zone? Well... sort of?

Back in March, we wrote a long post about incompetent superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian of 5WPR calling his former HR director Melissa Weiss a "stupid cunt," and being generally disreputable. The lone defender of Ronn in that case was one of his employees, Christine Garabedian. She wrote in to say Ronn is a great boss, and called (the victim!) Weiss a "jealous" single girl, ending with, "PS Melissa I just got engaged- Now are you even more jealous of me :)." LOL! At the time, several people urged us to go after Garabedian for her meanness, but we refrained, because she seemed like a peripheral figure. Well, we tried. But now she's out there pitching her own wedding to celebrity magazines as a "great story." Poorly! Oh, this is just pure gold:

It remains to be seen whether Michael Lohan fathered a child-a 13-year-old half-sister for actress Lindsay Lohan-outside his marriage. (Michael Lohan's former girlfriend took more than a decade to press her claims; and he's taken a DNA test to prove his innocence.) Whatever. The 48-year-old former felon still ranks as Hollywood's worst celebrity father for another reason: an incredibly creepy voicemail which shows he lies to his troubled daughter. Even if you care nothing for the Lohans, it's worth a listen if only as a case study in awful showbiz parenthood.