Good news, New York-based fans of Freaks and Geeks and ridiculously good looking men. James Franco (also of Spiderman) has reportedly decided to get smaht and enrolled himself in the MFA writing program at smallish commuter school Columbia University. A tipster, who sort of bumped into him at the Whitney and then eavesdropped, tells BWOG that the actor will be starting this fall and will also be taking classes at NYU's Tisch School of the Arts, where he'll presumably write beautiful plays about a young actor realizing he has secret impulses buried inside himself. He may just be doing this to get back some of the "serious actor" cred he let slip away recently (see: Annapolis, Tristan and Isolde and, erm, Fly Boys), but who the hell cares. See you on the 1 train! The full, amusing tip lies after the jump. Plus a bonus.

Stop counting calories, it's the weekend! Indulge yourself by taking a giant bite out of our Dirt Sandwich, one that's been carefully arranged and piled high with yummy (yet trans-fat free) toppings by Defamer's resident sandwich artist, Molly McAleer. The ingredients in this week sandwich include: aspiring cookbook author Katie Lee Joel dishes on what it's like to have a step-daughter just four years her junior; we learn about the drugs (!) and the kidnapping (!) that plagued the king of the tighty-whiteys, Calvin Klein; Donnie Osmond kissing, wait for it, a girl!; and, finally, a sad update on the second least talented member of the Jackson 5 (no offense to Tito, really). Enjoy!

The Marc Jacobs and Jason Preston break-up has been très tragic for the two of them, but quite amusing for those interested in another form of meta-reality after this week's très boring Parisian Hills. The two of them are sort of famous, so we can delight in their misery, but since they're only sort of famous, they use Facebook just like the plebs. And their respective relationship mini-feeds are the stuff of pure Web 2.0 tragedy. (Click to enlarge the image)

I had thought this was a fuss about nothing. But when you look at the images side-by-side, it's pretty obvious that Vogue's latest cover featuring LeBron James and Gisele Bundchen is indeed a sly homage by Annie Leibovitz to King Kong. In fact, the references by photographer Annie Leibowitz to one image in particular, identified earlier this week by a tipster to Jezebel, are unmistakeable. This First World War army recruitment poster-urging loyal Americans to destroy a "mad brute"-features a Kong-like gorilla with a right arm holding a weapon and a left gripping a virginal white beauty. It's much like the position basketball star LeBron assumes on the Vogue cover.

Judy Greer has been orbiting around stardom for the better part of the last 10 years. And although she's had a couple of delicious supporting turns over the years (13 Going On 30, Adaptation, Jawbreaker), she's never quite broken through into the leading lady category ... until now. Ashton Kutcher picked her to be the lead of his new ABC comedy, Miss Guided, and now the lovely and talented Miss Greer is getting her first taste of hitting the promotional circuit as a star. And guess what? She's eating it up. She was as giddy as a school girl during her appearance on The Late Show With David Letterman last night, but also managed to rein in her emotions enough to tell Dave a funny story about how she's still forced to endure some of the humilities that the Hollywood machine puts second fiddles through.

Take another look at that $6m spread in People on Jennifer Lopez's newborn twins. It's a picture of parental bliss. The actress displays the requisite ecstasy as she and husband Marc Anthony skip down the front drive, each pushing a stroller. (For $6m, People had a right to a bit of a show.) But turn to page 55, and look closely at Emme Maribel, the couple's daughter. Some dark intelligence is evident behind those eyes. For the close-up:

Now this is actually awesome: a fameball turning on itself in such convolution that the snake eats its own tail. Remember Sweet Valley High, the 80s young-teen series about a pair of California twins named Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield? They went to Sweet Vally High, and although they looked exactly the same, their personalities were actually quite different! (Jessica was the slutty one, and Elizabeth liked to read and write.) Well, Random House is releasing them with new designs in April, and the book's cover gal, posing as both Elizabeth and Jessica, is our favorite seventeen-year-old All My Children actress/Julia Allison boyfriend-stealer, Leven Rambin! The old and new covers of Double Love and Secret, which we remember all too well, follow.

Today marks the first edition of "The Hills: Words Of Wisdom," a new weekly feature in which the bleached blonde cast of "real people" indulges us with life lessons worth learning. On last night's Season Four premiere, the one-hour chickfest was jam-packed with girly fever, tears, ruined dresses, dates with French rockers, and Spencer's Lucy Ball 'do. But the most important thing to take away from all that femitude is the wise words of heroines Lauren Conrad, Whitney Port and former meth addict Stephanie Pratt. This show is more than just quick flashes of fancy parties and shoes, combined with solemn pouts over which guy to tease; The Hills is the modern day version of Emily Post's guide to good etiquette. Thanks to the keen skills of Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer, now you can learn just what to do when you feel nauseous over the loss of designer shoes ("breathe"), whether or not boys are hotter in LA or Paris ("way hotter in Paris"), and most importantly, how to successfully mount a motorcycle while wearing a dress worth more than your house. [MTV]

Judging by the ensembles worn by the Scientologist-heavy crowd at one of LA Fashion Week's recent shows, all those interrogations via E-meter and "detox programs" required to be a full-fledged Clear do not include any lessons on how to dress oneself. At Smashbox Studios yesterday, Giovanni Ribisi's sister Marissa debuted her Whitney Kros clothing line, and all a whole smattering of outed B and C-List Scientologists showed up to support the Scientologist designer. There was good ole Tom Cruise Rejectee Erika Christensen dressed in a shapeless fiery muumuu, Juliette Lewis in Hammer shorts, and Jenna Elfman wearing some kind of '80s era sweater that looks like it was hoisted from the Breakfast Club wardrobe department. More pictures, and our ideas on why the "A-List" Scientlebrities weren't there to support the cause, after the jump.

Mmmmm....dirrrrrrrt sannnnndwich. Each week, Defamer videogetarian Molly McAleer plucks just the ripest, juiciest morsels from the tabloid TV landscape, slices them finely, then stacks them carefully on artisanal all-grain bread smeared in a Tuscan olive tapanade for a satisfying meal unto itself. This week: an impressionable Abigail Breslin recalls her Spartan co-star's toilet-mouth; TMZ has a good laugh at serious skin conditions and near-fatal animal attacks; Gary Busey pep-talks the terminal cancer right out of Patrick Swayze; and Oprah's dog chokes to death on a ball. Enjoy!

Because Friday is typically our day to let out a little workweek steam by offering up material just a little more frivolous than the hard news we churn out Monday through Thursday, we offer you this delightful mashup by Defamer videotrix Molly "The Bride of Spindenstein" McAleer. In it, Barbara Walters bids a fond farewell to the shores of her sanity, and sets sail on a large Viking barge for the fabled realm of Dementia: And it's all to a hip-hop beat. Enjoy, everyone! Happy Friday! And Happy Easter!

We haven't associated sexiness with Brooke Shields since...well, scratch that. Even her so-called hot Calvin Klein ads never really did anything for us in terms of fantasies. As pretty as Brookie may be, her Amazonian stature and broad shoulders never put her at the top of our dream girl list. But during her appearance on last night's Late Show, Shields did her very best to not-so-subtly assure the masses that she is, indeed, one sexy mother. Feigning surprise that Dave just happened to have a copy of her latest spread in this month's Interview, in which she poses for scantily clad photos, Brooke proved that it's possible to accept compliments even when no compliments are actually given.

Admit it: you don't really hate The Hills. I mean, why would you? Yes, the real-people-in-fake-situations MTV phenomenon (which starts a new season on Monday) is profoundly shallow and vapid, not to mention potentially damaging to the young girls who look to the show for guidance on how to navigate their emerging womanhood and find only rhinestones and an empty cocktail glass. So no, I don't think 12-year-olds should be watching it. But for us, discerning and intelligent adults who maybe like to watch a soap every now and again (or, even, got a giddy thrill out of the more salacious parts of August: Osage County), The Hills is masterfully crafted, beautifully shot arch melodrama. You bring me the best of Richard Brinsley Sheridan, and I'll show you its parallel on The Hills. It's a picture of self-involvement and social anxieties that could be seen as representing the minds and experiences of many young people, only writ large and ludicrous. So you don't hate it, you just don't understand it yet. You're not caught up, you don't know the ins and outs of what's happened to our sun-melted friends in Los Angeles, lo (Lo!) these many years. I've provided a summary after the jump, with links to video of the most recent season. Give it a chance. If you don't like it, I'll shut up.

It's startling to us that after the last iteration of ABC's perennial romance sweepstakes—in which Hunkiest Bachelor of Them All Brad Womack cruelly withheld a suspiciously oversized engagement ring from last-standing-soulmate Deanna, choosing instead to slip the sparkling keepsake over his own member as a gesture of narcissistic fidelity—that producers of The Bachelor would find another 25 women desperate, lonesome, and fame-whorey enough to subject themselves to similar, nationally televised humiliation.

The internets were flooded yesterday with screen caps featuring what may or may not be Sex And The City's resident sweetheart/prude giving one very large member a very thorough (and NSFW) blow job using a very long tongue. Naturally, Kristin Davis went into denial mode, claiming the tape was a fake, and even suggesting that the image had been photo-shopped to add in that innocent sparkle in her eyes, the incredibly unique hairline (and hair color), and perfectly manicured eyebrows. After the jump, we provide the photos in question, and make our argument that this is indeed the real Charlotte York-Goldenblatt (some images NSFW), denials or not:

Ah, the magic of an E!-televised marriage. With all those millions thousands spent, viewers tuning in, and smile-forcing cameras around, how could the union of two C-list celebs like Giuliana DePandi and original Apprentice lackey Bill Rancic possibly go wrong? Giuliana's recent ring-less appearances on air makes her the latest "celebrity" under investigation by wedding ring detectors, leading some to speculate that the two have each booked a coach ticket direct to Splitsville:

Feeling hungry? Try snacking on our Dirt Sandwich, a wild and woolly compilation of the moments in celebrity infotainment programming this week that made us simultaneously groan, chuckle and hurl. As always, we demand politely beg Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer to watch hours of Harvey Levin's babbling in order to bring you the week's best and worst moments. This week's reel includes the secrets behind Mike Myers' "informal spiritual quest" (whatever the fuck that means), Mark McGrath uttering the word "Fattergories" and the revelation of "which Hollywood hottie has THE best bod in the biz" (which, btw, is a question that comes up several times per day here at Defamer HQ). Enjoy!

Andrew Morton wrote in his best-selling biography of Tom Cruise that the Hollywood star was prominent in the hierarchy of the Church of Scientology. Of all of the author's claims, it was the one that most enraged the sect: "Insinuations that Mr. Cruise is second-in-command of the Church are not only false, they are ludicrous," the Scientologists maintained. "He is neither 2nd or 100th. Mr. Cruise is a Scientology parishioner and holds no official or unofficial position in the Church hierarchy. Claims to the contrary are offensive to both Mr. Cruise and the Church." But if Cruise was merely a humble parishioner, why in Xenu's name did the sect spend six figures to celebrate his birthday in 2004? In a video obtained by Gawker, watch Scientology chief David Miscavige lead the sect's most famous follower into an extravagant celebration of the Hollywood star on Scientology cruise ship, Freewinds. Cruise's entrance is, of course, to the theme music from Top Gun, one of the movies for which the actor is best known, or was, until he took up his new role as evangelist for the bizarre Church. After the movie clips are played, and the bands perform, Cruise exclaims: "This is incredible... It's the best birthday ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, and I mean ever!" We agree! The best moment: watch Cruise in a duet of Old Time Rock and Roll, demonstrating the dance moves we first saw in Risky Business, the picture that made his name. He was so young then; and we, thankfully, knew so much less about him. VIDEO»

Come April 4th, Juno Lynn Spears will finally turn one year older (and, we can only hope, wiser), at which point she'll finally be able to escape the nasty stigma of being Sweet 16 And Pregnant. But, sadly, she will never be able to escape the stigma of being Britney Spears' sister. At least, not technically. But based on photographs taken of the smiling Jamie Lynn in Louisiana yesterday, she may have figured out a way to distance herself from The Package using nothing but her wardrobe. While we are not necessarily advocating short shorts and visible bras as appropriate outerwear for pregnant teens, when you compare it to Britney's penchant for visible bellies and bikini tops worn as, well, tops, Jamie Lynn looks downright Victorian in comparison.

If you want to look just as scarily skinny as the likes of Kate Hudson and Renee Zellweger, the solution is simple: eat nothing but boiled eggs and water, develop a healthy addiction to caffeine and cardio, and devote your evenings to chain-smoking and reading Us Weekly on the john. The latest "news" on celebrity diet secrets comes to us courtesy of the Daily Mail, who asked a handful of trainers and nutrition experts what's in between the lines of all those helpful How Kate/Jessica/Reese Got Slim stories. And even if some of the answers don't exactly whet your appetite, guessing which celebs the so-called experts are outing is almost as much fun as biting into a Double Double. Take this nugget for example: