When the sunny unemployment figures came out this morning, savvy conservatives knew that something rotten was afoot. A 0.3% decline in unemployment—one month before an election? Tell us another one, NObamatards. And now, these clear-eyed zealots may have found the smoking gun that they need to prove that something that is clearly not a conspiracy is, in fact, a conspiracy.

The unemployment rate has dipped below 8 percent for the first time since 2009 — evidence of a slow, but steady recovery? Or evidence that hundreds of thousands of unemployed Democrats gathered together to lie about being employed?

Years after the technical end of the recession, America is still mired in an unemployment crisis. Each week, we're bringing you true stories from the unemployed. This is what's happening out there.

Here, some new research findings on the current economic climate, which we sincerely hope that you are reading while at work. *Forced, desperate smile* Some economists decided to find out how length of unemployment affects your chances of finding a new job. So they sent thousands of fictitious resumes out to respond to thousands of job ads, and, long story short: "the likelihood of receiving a callback for an interview significantly decreases with the length of a worker's unemployment spell."

As both political parties are reminding us right now, America is in an unemployment crisis. The latest sunny news: a new report says that even if you land a new job, it's likely to pay low wages.) Each week, we're bringing you true stories from the unemployed. "Just to be clear, the day before you graduate, you are the future of America. The day after, you're on your own." This is what's happening out there.

The lamestream media would have you believe that the greedy little wastrel "Millennial" generation should actually be called "Generation Y." Do not believe this Millennialist propaganda, gentle readers. They are Millennials, and they are the best. And they're coming to take over your workplace with their youthful, self-indulgent demands.

America is in the midst of an unemployment crisis. Each week, we're bringing you true stories from the unemployed. Today: sex work, startups, suicidal thoughts, and more. This is what's happening out there.

It's well known by now that you can spend outrageous sums to get a college degree only to find yourself jobless, through no real fault of your own. But it's also well known that college degrees are a decent bet, statistically speaking. I guess what the latest report is saying is: We ain't promising you the moon, okay?

Service meta-journalism: after reading our series of unemployment stories, a staffer at ABC News sent us the following note:

Every week, we're bringing you true stories from those caught in the unemployment crisis. The official U.S. unemployment rate is 8.3 percent; the true rate of hopelessness is much higher. This week: cops, businessmen, lawyers, students, academics, and other fellow Americans. This is what's happening out there.

America is in an unemployment crisis. Every week, we're bringing you true firsthand stories from unemployed Americans. Today: pain, fear, hope, and desperation. This is what's happening out there.

Every week, we're bringing you true stories of unemployment, from the vast land of unemployed America. Today: depression, redemption, struggle, optimism, and the bitterness of the 99%. This is what's happening out there.

The job situation is tough out there. Even more so for interns, who get to fight through all of the competition of getting a job, with none of the monetary reward. I guess it's understandable to try to be quirky, to stand out. It doesn't always work, though.

In the past 40 years or so, CEOs have gone from earning 20 times more than the average worker, to more than 230 times the average worker. Over the same period of time, unions have weakened to the point that successful companies feel comfortable asking for unprecedented concessions from workers at the same time the company is reaping record profits. What do these things have to do with each other? Everything.

Many times in the past, we've solicited stories from people who work at various terrible places—Target, Wal-Mart, Whole Foods, and others—in order to cut through the PR and hear firsthand what life is like on the inside of America's churning corporate machines. Now, we'd like to hear from perhaps the most vital group of American workers: the unemployed.

In the economy, as in life, men are first in, last out, on top, and super successful. (And deserving.) Yes, the recession was a hard time for everyone. But everyone, whether man or woman, will be happy to learn that men are getting themselves back on track, more than women.

As the entire legal profession has crumbled into little more than a white collar version of janitorial services, times have gotten tough—not just for recent law school grads, but for everyone unfortunate enough to work at a law firm. Naturally, the days of luxurious, opulent law firm offices are over. Uh... in favor of something better!

Absolutely no one is watching CNN anymore. The network has just posted figures for the second quarter of this year and, hoo-boy, they are terrible. A 40 percent drop in prime-time ratings since last year. The worst performance ever for a second quarter. Even CNN's mom has stopped watching it though she lies and says she still tunes in, like that kind of coddling is going to help anyone. If things continue on this path, our children will have no knowledge of the Cable News Network as we know it. To them, CNN will refer only to Ciennen, a popular girl from their kindergarten class.

We joke around a lot in a good-natured fashion about how recent graduates of law school are fucked up, down, and sideways. "You guys are just straight fucked," we often say (joshingly). Well—imagine our surprise when we found out that, in fact, recent graduates of law school really are fucked. Yikes! Touchy subject.

"What is going on with the economy these days?" you ask yourself as you sit on the bench in the park where you go every day after you tell your wife you're "going to work." I'm glad that you asked, brother. If you sort of squint and turn things sideways ever so slightly, it is possible to interpret recent economic trends in a positive way.