Forget Ryan Gosling; John Malkovich is here.

It's Helen Mirren day, apparently! Here's a trailer for RED (Retired, Extremely Dangerous), an action comedy about retired CIA agents who are, of course, drawn back into the game when shit starts to go haywire. Look at that cast!

Actress Felicity Huffman turns 47 today. Actor and comedian Mario Cantone is turning 50. John Malkovich is 56. Violinist Joshua Bell is turning 42. Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle is turning 62. Dame Judi Dench is 75. Nightline co-anchor Terry Moran turns 49. American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi turns 39. Singer Imogen Heap is turning 32. Masako, the Crown Princess of Japan, is 46. Architect Steven Holl is 62. Actor Jesse Metcalfe turns 31. Donny Osmond turns 52. And Kirk Douglas is celebrating his 93rd birthday today.

Blending accent, appearance and mannerisms, actors transform into different characters like an oversized fleshy chameleon. When they fail at this task—their only task—we reserve the right to mock them. By compiling a video of their ineptitude.

Olivia Palermo walking in Soho with her boyfriend Johannes Huebl and dog ... Calvin Klein leaving his apartment building ... Randy Jackson leaving his hotel in Midtown ... Sandra Bullock running errands downtown ... Penelope Cruz arriving at JFK ... Blake Lively filming scenes for Gossip Girl on the Upper West Side ... Alessandra Ambrosio walking around SoHo with a camera crew in tow ... John Malkovich on Madison Avenue ... Uma Thurman walking in the Village ... Miranda Kerr getting out of an SUV ... Katie Holmes on the set of The Romantics on Long Island ... Marion Cotillard arriving at JFK ... and Ed Westwick walking in the West Village with a D'Agostino shopping bag in hand.

Some surprising finds from the massive list of Madoff victims released last night: John Malkovich, Hall of Fame pitcher Sandy Koufax, the estate of John Denver, CNN's Larry King, former public advocate Mark Green, real estate developer Larry Silverstein, and Madoff's own lawyer, Ira Lee Sorkin. (Not everyone listed is necessarily a victim—it includes anyone who responded to advertisements placed by the trustee overseeing the bankruptcy of the firm.) But there's one name that is curiously missing from the list. Zsa Zsa Gabor! The 91-year-old actress and her publicity-loving ninth husband, "Prince" Frederic von Anhalt, made a big production a couple weeks ago about how they lost $10 million to Madoff's scheme. Neither Gabor nor von Anhalt, however, are listed in the 163-page document.

Desperate Housewives star Felicity Huffman is turning 46 today. Her former castmate, Jesse Metcalfe, is celebrating his 30th. Comedian Mario Cantone is 49. Violinist Joshua Bell is 41. John Malkovich is turning 55. Dame Judi Dench is 74. It's Tom Daschle's 61st birthday. Nightline co-anchor Terry Moran is turning 49. Architect Steven Holl is 61. Singer Imogen Heap is turning 31. Donny Osmond is 51. American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi is turning 38. And Kirk Douglas turns 92 today.

It's a question that's been futilely pondered countless times before, and by artists and philosophers more sapient than we: What, exactly, makes John Malkovich tick? We like Esquire's approach: Forget about hunting for magical portals inside the actor's consciousness that don't really exist, and instead just invite him to participate in their ongoing What I've Learned feature. And what has he learned (besides the fact that most people are willing to forgive an Eragon if you've built up a significant enough body of non-dragon work) ? The answers will surprise and amaze you. Politics are like an Aspen Canker-infected tree. He feels unworthy of Michelle Pfeiffer's salutations. And he's constantly fearful that the guy rattling off the evening specials will dash off his Malkovich impressions to us via Blackberry between courses:

Obviously the forthcoming book Hollywood Babylon: It's Back is going to be the must-have ironic hipster book of the season, what with its collection of full-frontal shots of male celebrities like, allegedly, Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ewan McGregor and, terrifyingly, John Malkovich. But in case you can't afford, or bring yourself, to buy the cock gawker for your coffee table, here are the Cliff's Notes:

Clearly committed to the same, ridiculous hairstyling tactics that helped to win Javier Bardem an Academy Award for No Country For Old Men, the Coen brothers put the supporting pretty-boy superstar of their next effort, the Venice Film Fest-opening Burn After Reading, in a License to Drive-era Haimdo. The wardrobe choice is guaranteed to lend even further realism to Brad Pitt's already brilliantly realized performance as a dimwitted gym employee. After the jump, via firstshowing.net, are your first looks at Pitt's Burn co-stars, George Clooney, Tilda Swinton, and John Malkovich, plus a plot synopsis for the spoiler-resilient:

Tonight marks the beginning of yet another Sundance Film Festival; we'll be covering the proceedings from a safe distance, far from the intoxicating allure of all-night Ketel One-and-Strawberry Hot Tub parties with the juggsiest indie film execs in Park City. Like the breakout hits of Sundance past, such as Once, Little Miss Sunshine, and Hustle & Flow, all your film really needs to get the buyers to come knocking at your condo door is a good antihero (Dublin busker, hip-hop pimp), a major disease or problem to overcome (death, lack of demo CD), an engaging solution (madcap road trip, recording of demo CD), and an unconventional romantic angle thrown in for good measure (love in a piano store, falling for your ho). With that in mind, we've taken the time to break down for you this year's crop according to their fundamental, Sundanciest elements:

Forgetting the whole making-out-with-her-brother thing, WebTV founder and Silicon Valley entrepreneur Steve Perlman made Angelina Jolie. And actors John Malkovich and Anthony Hopkins. Or at least, his company is responsible for some of the creepy digital effects in their latest movie,Beowulf, according to Bits. What's it mean to you? Well, now you know who to blame for the latest embarrassment of the film's director, Robert Zemeckis, the disgraced genius behind Back to the Future.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so start sending them in more often! Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time Tony Danza demonstrated the classy way to be a shitfaced celebrity at a Malibu bar.