• The Letterman mess rolls on. The Late Show host issued another apology on his show last night, describing how the scandal has impacted his wife, Regina Lasko ("She's been horribly hurt by my behavior"), and kindly pointing out that he's not having sex with any of his current staffers. Meanwhile, Stephanie Birkitt, the woman at the center of the "scandal," supposedly wrote in her diary that she was dating alleged extortionist Robert "Joe" Halderman and sleeping with Letterman as recently as last fall, leading Halderman to flip out when he read her diary in December. [NYP, NYDN]
• So are Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem engaged? While Cruz's rep went with "no comment," Bardem's flack said, "I really don't know, but would not be able to say anything even if I did." That sounds like a "yes" to us! [People]
• Celebrity chef Todd English skipped out of his wedding at the last minute this past weekend. His jilted bride went ahead with the party anyway, while English headed to South Beach to hit the bars and clubs. Classy. [P6]
• Heidi Klum has filed documents to change her name to "Heidi Samuel," since that's Seal's last name. Please update your address book accordingly. [TMZ]

• Lindsay Lohan's first collection as Emmanuel Ungaro's "creative director" was unveiled at Paris Fashion Week yesterday. And let's just say the reviews weren't overwhelmingly positive. Described as "cheesy," "dated," and "truly hideous," more than a few critics suggested she get back to acting. And the show ended with Lohan in tears, which probably isn't the most auspicious sign. [MSNBC, WWD, WSJ, Daily Mail]
• Chris Noth is engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Tara Wilson. [People]
• In other relationship news, rumor has it Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are planning to get married, too. [NYDN]
• The David Letterman sex-with-staffers scandal was the butt of plenty of jokes on The Jay Leno Show, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, and this weekend's SNL, not surprisingly. (Seth Meyers called Robert "Joe" Halderman's alleged $2 million extortion attempt a "stupid human trick.") Meanwhile, a second woman, Holly Hester, was identified as another one of the late night host's hook-ups and the tabloids reported Letterman keeps a "bachelor pad atop the Ed Sullivan Theater," although it might just be an office with a fold-out couch. [Us, NYDN, TMZ]

What a small world! Who would've thought? Marty Singer—the lawyer laying into my boss for a cool mil over the McSteamy Tape—would be taking other big-money cases on behalf of sleazy celebrities? Well, he got to Kate Gosselin!

Kristen Stewart thinks she's boring now sans social life. Oh, honey. Lady Gaga wants Kanye to respect the cock(y decision she made to leave their tour). Jon Gosselin: still a cock. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• Kanye West and Lady Gaga's "Fame Kills" tour has been canceled. Was it because of Kanye's little incident at the VMAs? Because tickets weren't selling? No one's saying, although the name of the tour was pretty prophetic, wasn't it? [TMZ, NYDN]
• Kate Hudson isn't a huge hit with Yankee players' wives and girlfriends: "Kate acts like she and Alex [Rodriguez] are married, and no one gets it," said a source. "It strikes them as odd, and it seems suspicious." [MSNBC]
• Lauren Conrad has admitted she can't act. Really. "I think my acting is offensive!" she says. "I'm an awful actor, I'm not super comfortable with it." This it all very true, of course. But points for honesty! [People]
• In a new series of ads for her line of leggings, 6126, Lindsay Lohan can be seen modeling with a stripper pole. Naturally. [NYDN, Daily Mail]

Being a movie star — or motherhood — makes Sarah Jessica Parker look sleepy. TLC learns its Gosselin lesson. Quentin Tarantino loves sequels. And Katy Perry teaches us the power of tit-pics. TGIF, you attractive devils! It's your gossip roundup!

• Comcast denied the rumors yesterday, but it now appears the cable giant is involved in talks to take a controlling stake in NBC Universal. [NYT, NYT]
• It hasn't been smooth sailing for Jay Leno since his primetime show debuted—ratings have been slipping and the critical buzz has been lousy—but now it looks like NBC has another problem to worry about: CBS and ABC have both been actively discouraging their stars from appearing on the show. [LAT]
• Bravo reports it's developing solo series for three of its reality TV stars: Bethenny Frankel, Christian Siriano and Top Chef's Fabio Viviani. [Variety]
• Meanwhile, Logo is casting its gay version of the Real Housewives. [Gawker]
• Maybe the magazine industry isn't dead, after all: American Media plans to launch a new bridal title in early 2010 called Shapebride. [WWD]

Jon Gosselin's and his mid-life crisis are dropped from TV show, renamed Kate Plus 8.

Scarlett Johansson walking to the gym with Ryan Reynolds in Midtown ... Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber sitting on a stoop in SoHo ... Kate Hudson driving a car ... Sienna Miller walking her dog on Prince Street ... Jon Gosselin shopping in SoHo ... Hugh Jackman getting in an SUV with his wife and kids (and later picking pumpkins in Connecticut) ... Shia LaBeouf hanging out on the set of Wall Street 2 ... Matt Damon walking to the set of The Adjustment Bureau near Rockefeller Center ... Mary Louise Parker hugging new boyfriend Charlie Mars on the sidewalk ... and Whitney Port walking by herself in the East Village.

[The Jon Gosselin Mid-Life Crisis Action Figure comes complete with dangling cigarette, trashtastic helmet, and kung fu grip—Please Think I'm Cool Four Wheeler sold separately. Image via INF]

• Relationships: Sean Penn may have a new girlfriend now that he and Robin Wright Penn are divorcing; Nick Lachey appears to have reunited with Vanessa Minnillo; Khloe Kardashian has a new boyfriend; and George Clooney is no longer trying to hide his relationship with Italian TV star Elisabetta Canalis.

Jennifer Aniston: now eliciting tabloid sympathy. Scott Rudin: still a dick, but a funny one who hates his mother. Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart: prisoners of the vampire kingdom, which needs to go. Winehouse: mess-y. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Men are chasing after Robert Pattinson. The Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy continues! Megan Fox might be clinically insane. Paula Abdul definitely is, as are most British People. And Jon Gosselin still sucks. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup!

• Michael Jackson was laid to rest yesterday evening, exactly ten weeks after his death. Gladys Knight performed; Al Sharpton delivered a sermon; Lisa Marie Presley, Elizabeth Taylor, Chris Tucker, Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis put in appearances; and the Jackson siblings color-coordinated their outfits, per usual. [NYDN, People]
• Nike has wisely decided to put on hold the line of sneakers it had been planning to introduce in partnership with DJ AM. [TMZ]
• Pervy photographer Terry Richardson is settling down. He's reportedly getting ready to tie the knot with scenester Jen Brill. [TrendLand]
• Is French First Lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy planning to appear in Woody Allen's next movie? "Nothing is signed yet," says her publicist. [WWD]

• Madonna's trip to Israel is over. And it sounds like it was quite the party. Her entourage occupied a total of 11 suites and 25 hotel rooms; she brought her Italian chef with her as well as all her own exercise equipment aboard her private jet; and she received the sort of reception typically reserved for visiting presidents. Fun! [NYP]
• Michael Jackson's burial is finally scheduled to take placed today in Glendale, Calif. [MSNBC]
• DJ AM's burial took place in LA yesterday. Travis Barker, Scott Caan, DJ Jazzy Jeff, and members of Crazy Town turned up for the small service. In related news, although Goldstein didn't leave a will, he left behind about $1 million in assets. [Us, TMZ, People]
• The filming of the Sex and the City sequel has been getting a little chaotic, since fans have been turning up in droves at the locations. Fortunately, Sarah Jessica Parker and Chris Noth remain unarmed. And extra security has supposedly been hired. [NYDN]

Mad fans want a piece of Sarah Jessica Parker. Mad ladies want Jon Gosselin. And Ashley Dupre's mad at the haters. Rise and shine! Here's your Thursday morning Gossip Roundup!

Courtney Love eating and walking ... Sarah Jessica Parker dressed up in '80s clothing and Chris Noth standing around on the set of Sex and the City ... Jon Gosselin leaving JFK with his mom ... Irv Gotti and Adrienne Bailon going to lunch at Da Silvano ... Christie Brinkley posing for pictures at the US Open in Queens ... Kelly Rutherford carrying her daughter Helena ... Aubrey O'Day arriving at the studios of WPIX with an iced coffee ... Taylor Momsen walking downtown ... and Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick shooting scenes on the set of Gossip Girl.

Heidi Montag wants to be impregnated. Bethenny Frankel wants new friends. And Martha's Vineyard wants to see Chelsea Clinton wear white. Good morning! It's Monday's Gossip Roundup!

Old guys: Jon Gosselin's still around, Paul McCartney still has lady problems. Brody Jenner, Joe Francis: small penises. Pattinson, Stewart, and the sacred word. Fire Island, the East Village, Africa: we are the world. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• Is Kate Middleton, Prince William's girlfriend, planning to move to New York? Possibly! [DM]
• A coroner has ruled Michael Jackson's death was due to lethal levels of the anesthetic Propofol in his body, which may very well pave the way for prosecutors to file manslaughter charges against Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray. [MSNBC, People, NYDN]
• In other Jackson family news, Barbara Walters has landed the first interview with LaToya Jackson, which will air on September 11. Exciting, huh? [ABC]
• Jessica Biel is the most dangerous celebrity on earth—at least when it comes to computer viruses. People who seek out info on Biel online stand a one-in-five chance of visiting a site "designed to damage their computer." [Us]