Glee "star" Naya Rivera posted a straight-up rude comment on Kim Kardashian's Instagram of her bare-ass Paper cover on Tuesday. She is not sorry for that comment.

At the Nets-Mavericks game, Kim Kardashian met Snooki. What did they talk about? By bribing an imaginary eavesdropper with a wizard hat of doubloons, we acquired an exclusive fictional transcript of the conversation.

Kelly Ripa getting a hot dog with son Joaquin ... Karolina Kurkova walking in Tribeca with fiance Archie Drury ... Agyness Deyn riding her bike to Bar Pitti ... Bar Refaeli walking near Bryant Park ... Kate Gosselin arriving at her hotel ... Shia LaBeouf riding a motorcycle while filming scenes for Wall Street 2 on Park Avenue ... Kim Kardashian walking with Jonathan Cheban in Midtown ... Jude Law talking on his cell phone outside, and later hanging out with friends in the West Village ... Megan Fox getting out of an SUV in front of Rockefeller Plaza ... Kim Cattrall walking on the Sex and the City 2 set ... Hugh Jackman unloading an SUV ... Rosie Perez waving to the crowd at the US Open ... Mary-Kate Olsen walking in Tribeca ... and Leighton Meester walking in the meatpacking district with her stylist Logan Horne.

• Mischa Barton didn't get involuntarily committed to the psychiatric wing of Cedars-Sinai last month because she had a meltdown. Or a drug problem. She says it was because she had her wisdom teeth removed. Sounds plausible! [TONY]
• Speaking of lame excuses, remember how Jeremy Piven said he had to drop out of Speed the Plow because he had mercury poisoning? An arbitrator bought the story, apparently, because he ruled in his favor, dismissing charges filed against him by producers of the show. [NYP]
• Minka Kelly's rep is shooting down rumors that she's planning a fall wedding to Derek Jeter. [NYDN]

• Is Kate Middleton, Prince William's girlfriend, planning to move to New York? Possibly! [DM]
• A coroner has ruled Michael Jackson's death was due to lethal levels of the anesthetic Propofol in his body, which may very well pave the way for prosecutors to file manslaughter charges against Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray. [MSNBC, People, NYDN]
• In other Jackson family news, Barbara Walters has landed the first interview with LaToya Jackson, which will air on September 11. Exciting, huh? [ABC]
• Jessica Biel is the most dangerous celebrity on earth—at least when it comes to computer viruses. People who seek out info on Biel online stand a one-in-five chance of visiting a site "designed to damage their computer." [Us]

Melanie Griffith's drying out, an Amy Winehouse love letter sparks a lawsuit and Robin Williams may channel Susan Boyle. That — and more — in your Tuesday morning Gossip Roundup. Delicious!

• Despite the fact his dad says they're planning a Kabbalah commitment ceremony and he's currently shacking up at her apartment, Jesus Luz tells a Brazilian TV station that Madonna is "just a friend." Also: He really doesn't mind it if you refer to him as her "boy toy." [NYDN]
• Kiefer Sutherland has apologized to Jack McCollough for head-butting him, and charges against the actor are likely to be dropped. Not that he's learned much of a lesson: He was spotted boozing it up on the LES with his daughter in tow last week. [NYP, P6]
• The celebrity crime wave continues: Kevin Bacon had his BlackBerry stolen from him last week. And Monica Bellucci and husband Vincent Cassel had more than a quarter of a million dollars in cash and jewels taken from them while they were attending the Cannes Film Festival. [NYP, DM]
• Mel Gibson has confirmed that he and his Russian musician girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, are expecting. [People, NYDN]
• Mariah Carey spent Memorial Day in Turkey. Why Turkey? Because a hotel paid her $1.5 million to perform, that's why. [P6]

In case you're wondering what ever happened to publicist not-so-extraordinaire Jonathan Cheban since the glory days of 2005 when he could be seen posing for photographs holding two phones in his hands at once, the answer was revealed on E! last night. (If you don't know who Cheban is and you'd like to get up to speed, see here, here, here and here.) Cheban made an appearance on the acclaimed reality TV show Keeping Up with the Kardashians yesterday, although the Lizzie Grubman protégé was forced to pay the role of confidante to Khloe Kardashian—not Kim—which should give you a good sense for what has happened to his career as a publicist/promoter the past few years.

Our effort to catch up on the glamorous life of party boy celebutard flack Jonathan Cheban has yielded an entertaining nugget! In June, Jacob Arabov (pictured)-a.k.a. Jacob the Jeweler, the "King of Bling" and go-to jewelry maker for rappers and celebrities of all stripes-submitted a memorandum to the judge in his money laundering trial describing what a great guy he is, in hopes of getting a lighter sentence. Among those vouching for for the crooked diamond merchant: Jonathan Cheben [sic]!

Sometimes you have to make an effort to reinstate communications with (or in our case, about) old friends who you haven't spoken to in a while. We used to write regularly about the travails of Jonathan Cheban: party boy flack, designer, and former Access Hollywood correspondent and Lizzie Grubman partner. But we've said barely a word about him since February, when he supposedly registered at Barney's for his own birthday party. Jonathan is simply too crucial a character in the celebutard publicity machine to go unnoticed. We hear he still leads a very eclectic social life. What do you hear? Anyone with important Cheban information, please email us.

A pattern! Julia Allison is following the example of fellow narcissist, publicist Jonathan Cheban: specify desired gifts ahead of one's birthday. Says the Star magazine talking bosom: "Because I am a giver, I will share this list with you." One of Allison's wishes: a tampon case, in pink.

Flak-cum-designer Jonathan Cheban is throwing a party in Miami for his upcoming 32nd birthday. Could he really be encouraging guests to buy gifts off a list? The unconfirmed rumor: that Cheban, a friend of B-list celebrities like Nicole Richie, is registered at Barney's. Undying gratitude to anyone who can send us a screenshot, or a link.

While you spent your weekend in the city's apocalyptic heat, watching the polish melt right off your toenails, the pretty people of higher tax brackets were flitting about the Hamptons, mingling with cryogenically preserved old bags by day and skanking about Hamptons-outpost versions of Manhattan's best cheese factories-cum-nightclubs by night. Early Sunday morning, Jessica Simpson was thus found in her natural habitat, the Southampton extension of the Pink Elephant (no doubt giving her mane 100 strokes of the brush before even leaving her SUV). Daily News photographer John Roca dared to take pictures of the young skanklet, sparking the rage of security guards. A routine scuffle ensued, and security confiscated the camera's memory card, which also contained photos from two other News assignments.

• Red-carpet watchers spend far too long studying pictures of TomKat and conclude that Cruise has started wearing lifts too appear less Lilliputian. Developing... [Lowdown]
• And in other TomKat news, did the Church of Scientology buy $9,000 worth of tickets for their messiah's premiere of MI:3? If so, it certainly didn't do much to bolster the box office — and besides, wouldn't Tom host a free screening at the Celebrity Center? [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Finally, lest TomKat make a single, undocumented move, Tom spends over $900 on Mother's Day flowers for his captured bride-to-be. [Scoop]
• The bloating makes her cranky: Britney Spears refuses to pay for K-Fed to go to Vegas for a weekend on her dime, and thus her husband is grounded without allowance. [Page Six]
• Kimora Lee gets no public love from her semi-estranged husband Russell Simmons, who publicly treats his Phat Baby like a leper. [R&M (last item)]
• Publicist Jonathan Cheban sells off his Clarendon clothing label and launches a new one called Kritik. Because everyone's one — get it? Sure to be loved by many a spelling-challenged Lohan. [Page Six]

• The UK Observer argues that Rolling Stone is once again the anti-establishment bible, "giving a new lease of life" to editor/publisher Jann Wenner. If so, could the mag once and for all stop pretending it has anything to do with music? Just cut that painful shit loose, please. [Observer UK]
• NB to Tom Cruise: Never, ever publish another piece of writing. And pity the poor soul who had to edit you — we'd rather eat our own scabs. [Time]
• Today David Blaine begins his fishbowl stunt, in which he finds an excuse to subject us to his shirtless torso for one full week. [Gothamist]
• It's wonderflack Jonathan Cheban's dewy MySpace profile! He's actually friends with Lindsay Lohan, which means he can read her MySpace blog entries. Color us jealous. [MySpace]
• Work at Men's Journal? Have a lunch tomorrow with Anderson Cooper? Don't know what to ask him? Then turn to your equally dumbfounded friends at Williamsboard for suggested topics. [Williamsboard]
• Thanks, we think, to a quick rhinoplasty, Ashlee Simpson's nose finally matches that of her sister Jessica. [Cityrag]
• Katie Couric has finally found her Hamptons refuge: a 5,000-square-foot Southampton McMansion. Anyone know the broker? We'd love to see some pics. [NYP]
• Additionally on the matter of brokers, Brownstoner launches Brokerate.com, a simple site where you can rate your experience with the realtors who make your life miserable. [Brokerate]
• Women's fashion mags lead to heartbreak, insecurity, and death. But at least you'll stop eating and be thin. [Coutorture]

• Chanel gave Reese Witherspoon her dress for the Golden Globes, telling her it was vintage. In this case, "vintage" means "merely three years old and previously worn by Kirsten Dunst." Even worse, the dress was seriously NOT that cute. [Page Six]
• Kate Moss is so clean and sober that she was seen dancing disturbingly close to Jack Osbourne. See? REHAB MAKES YOU CRAZY! [Lowdown (last item)]
• Today, Britney Spears goes Hindu. Tomorrow, she explores radical Islam. [Scoop]
• Is Madonna working out too much, to the detriment of her own health? Certainly not if you like your disco gay pop goddesses to kill her dissenters with her bare hands. [R&M]
• Jonathan Cheban slips into his former office at Grubman-Cheban PR under the cloak of darkness for the ritual desk-cleaning. With him he takes three rolls of scotch tape, his rainbow Post-It pad, and a strand of Grubman's hair. [Page Six]

Breaking (or, er, broken): Publicist Lizzie Grubman and the little climber that could, Jonathan Cheban, have euthanized their Grubman-Cheban PR project and parted ways. This is only mildly surprising, given the buzz that Her Grubness was less than thrilled to find that Cheban, who doubles as an Access Hollywood correspondent, was limiting press coverage for certain New Year's Eve clients so as to give Access "exclusives" on those events. And so, after a few weeks of hemming and hawing, it seems that Grubman has finally cut Cheban out of the company.

Behold publicist Jonathan Cheban in his latest incarnation: Access Hollywood correspondent! Congrats on the new gig, good lad, but what about your old job as Lizzie Grubman's partner?

Wherein we ask our favorite media folk what they're thankful for this year. Says perma-flack Lizzie Grubman:

"I want you to want me." (Click to enlarge, see Paris Hilton's lazy eye.)