How in the world can you make an online news site full of foreign coverage profitable these days? With gimmicks! How would you like to speak to a real live reporter, on the telephone?

Did you know your four-legged subjugated animal ("pet") is raping the oceans with its voracious appetite for dead flesh? It's true, according to the Whole Earth Catalog New York Times op-ed section.

So the fact that nothing is ever "edited" or "fact-checked" anymore because of "the internet" is so great because of citizen journalism and no gatekeepers etc! But the down side is all the bullshit.

Barack Obama won the presidency by refusing to play into the tit-for-tat frenzy of the campaign news cycle. Now he should really show he's a grownup and axe the daily White House press briefing.

America faces many problems today, but none is as pressing as the epidemic of our children smokin' Smarties. Yes, the media are scaremongering. But are they scaremongering enough?

In your finally Friday media column: a paltry offer for the Seattle P-I, Jake Tapper's a twit, arm fetish redux, Baba Wawa looks towards the end, and newspapers....you know:

Do you want to listen to six minutes worth of proof that journalism sucks? Here is the executive director of a Republican PAC yelling at some poor, polite reporter in Albany.

Yes, the husband of a Fox News anchor is advising and assisting Sarah Palin. But it's not like he's getting paid. The elite Scientologist just likes helping the ladies.

Appalachian State University's student paper The Appalachian has just kicked off its long-awaited four-part series on pornography, and it promises to be children's treasury of hilarity that we will follow closely. Today: Cum shot controversy.

In your servile Thursday media column: the scoop on Steve Bartelstein, the Singapore Judiciary blows, Eric Holder's willing to help newspapers die slower, which is good, because nobody wants to pay much for one:

Earlier today at the Rayburn House Office building, a "mob of reporters" surrounded this man and began peppering him with questions, thinking he was this guy.

Whatttttttt...a private equity firm has voluntarily purchased a newspaper—presumably in exchange for money! The San Diego Union-Tribune is now owned by a firm that vows to make it "thrive" once more. Sounds fun!

Too busy partying in Austin, Dennis Crowley never replied to our questions about whether Foursquare was built on code owned by Google. He's denied it to other press, but we hear he's telling buddies otherwise.

In your outrageously newsy Wednesday media column: a PR conspiracy theory for Us Weekly, updates on Conde Nast layoffs and Interview cheapskate-ness, Steve Bartelstein vanishes, and trade mags start wheezing:

Here's something scary that exists: The Automotive Broadcasting Network ("Fueled by CBS"!), which beams soothing, automotive industry-friendly news into car dealerships, so as not to upset the customers. Katie Couric is a GM zombie!

"Okay, brainstorm: It's a recession. You've lost your job. What do you do with your time?" (Silence). "Volunteer?" "Good, write it up!" That's how your new most popular recession angle gets made!

Some 'What Will Become of Newspapers?' thinkers believe that the iTunes model is the future of the news business. Well, with one software upgrade, paid news is now an iPhone app! Will this matter?

In your socialist Tuesday media column: Nancy Pelosi helps newspapers (symbolically), Courtney Friel says "OMG," rumors of cheapskatism at Interview, and naptime for Jim Kelly:

"Dear [crazy Salon advice-giver] Cary [Tennis], I am a college journalism professor." Guaranteed winner.

What is wrong with Joanne Lipman? Does the Portfolio editor detest business journalism? Is she trying to finally get fired? There must be some reason she's putting Sarah Palin on next month's cover.