Ever feel like hurling an uncooperative laptop across the room? Then you can imagine how Forbes' Brian Caulfield felt when his notebook crashed during a Steve Jobs keynote. And why the computer's vengeful owner took it to a gun range.

In your deathly Wednesday media column: magazines set to perish in 2013, Jon Landman defended, Ted Koppel treated like a common whore, and Variety for sale, cheap!

In your smiley Tuesday media column: newspapers only sell online subscriptions to lone nuts, Dan Rather loses on appeal, a headline is debated, and Paste magazine lives.

A tipster reports that Dean Wright, the "ethics editor" for Reuters, is looking into how and why Reuters chief David Schlesinger killed an investigation into SAC Capital's Steven Cohen after Cohen complained about the story to the firm's CEO.

At today's White House press briefing, desperate reporters begged for a Presidential press conference. But Robert Gibbs didn't want the press corps calling the president "overexposed" again. So they held a little poll!

In your provocative Monday media column: debates over the National Enquirer's respectability and women's ability to be funny, a journalist is killed, and a new Vultureperson is hired.

Why won't Mark Halperin and John Heilemann tell us who Bill Clinton was sleeping with? This may sound like a plea from a shameless scandal-merchant for more grist, but it is actually an honest question: what makes that information privileged?

Perpetually put-upon man Michael Wolff says he was a key source for the NYT's Roger Ailes profile yesterday, but that the paper didn't credit him, because of his comical nonstop feud with David Carr. Free column topic, Michael! Win-win. [Newser]

A survey out today reveals that newspapers are still doing most of the original reporting that websites (like this one) rely on. But they're still losing money, readers and relevance. The solution seems… simple.

What a wild few months for Office of Management and Budget stud-cum-nerd Peter Orszag! His lovechild is born! He's engaged to not-the-mama! And he's got the New York Times asking what he's going to do with his life!

Reuters' editor for global news thinks it's hilarious that, if you believe "some blogs and journalist talk," he and his boss bowed to pressure in killing an investigation into hedge fund manager Steven Cohen.

Odious hack Mark Halperin (and fine New York Magazine political reporter John Heilmann) wrote a book about the 2008 campaign! Did you read one of its many scoops, today? Probably, because the same information was cut-and-pasted everywhere.

You can watch the entire miserable segment here, if you are in too good a mood this morning! George just lets Rudy babble on and on and on, without bothering to correct or challenge him, on anything. Like, for example, in addition to 9/11, some other guy did the exact same thing as this underwear bomber did, in December of 2001, only with a shoe, instead of underwear. And everyone knows and remembers this. George remembers this! But why bother to bring it up?

We have a mug shot for "money honey" and Orszag-fiancee Bianna Golodryga. (She was arrested for drunk driving, and pleaded no contest. Just like it was no contest between her and Peter's old girlfriend am I right?) [NYDN]

Blogging her poops. Deflating Scarlet Johansson. And now, apparently, taking blog bribes that are federal crimes for the rest of us. These are but a few of Gwyneth Paltrow's transgressions, and the FTC will continue to let them happen.

In your thawing Thursday media column: Further evidence that Larry King is losing it (more so), Ted Koppel's still got that pizzazz, troubles at Print magazine, and everything remotely associated with the Redskins is corrupt.

It's not easy selling a paywall. Just ask oft-failed entrepreneur Steven Brill, whose terrible copycat idea to save journalism with micropayments met stiff skepticism. His solution: Claim an ever-growing number of unnamed "clients," charted against uncooperative reality after the jump.

After an unbearably long break (five days!), Andrea Peyser is back to journalism! Peyser on America's job woes: "We all should be celebrity sloths like Paris Hilton. Or one of Tiger's well-paid bimbos." Well, she's still a little rusty. [NYP]

BusinessWeek has been absorbed into the Bloomberg mothership. Now, shouty Bloomberg standards enforcer Matthew Winkler is gently teaching the new guys how to do "journalism." A tipster forwarded us this lecturey item from Winkler's year-end "Weekly notes" memo, below.

In your wintry Wednesday media column: More and more and more Dana Milbank, short is good, freelancing sucks, and just let the NYT sell its ads, you ungrateful bastards.