In his first audio statement released in seven months, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) threatened an attack on Israel and other nations in a statement on Saturday, according to CBS.

A New York Orthodox rabbi announced last night that he’s refusing to leave his post—despite his synagogue board’s requests to the contrary in response to the revelation of his habit of taking naked sauna dips with young male congregants in the 1980s and 90s, some of whom were as young as 12 years old.

A Pittsburgh-area mohel is being accused of accidentally severing an infant's penis during a botched circumcision.

Rabbis teach. Rabbis counsel. Rabbis lead. Rabbis support. Rabbis... kidnap and, uh, torture?

A tale of Biblical overanalysis and high school angst, in comic form.

Pamela Geller's terrible pro-Israel, anti-Islam subway ads have already been defiled in ways both artistic and journalistic. Now three separate religious organizations—two Christian and one Jewish—are beating Geller at her own game with strategically placed anti-anti-Islam subway ads.

Call me crazy, but I don't think it should be legal for adults to suck the blood from freshly circumcised baby penises. Alas, doing just that is a very important ritual for some Orthodox Jews. Called metzitzah b'peh, the process involves the mohel snipping away the foreskin and then sucking the blood from the penis to "cleanse" the wound. Obviously putting saliva on an open wound isn't considered an antiseptic practice in any realm of modern medicine, especially when that open wound belongs to an infant with a barely there immune system. Indeed, since 2002, metzitzah b'peh has been responsible for spreading Type 1 herpes, a very common condition in American adults, to 11 different babies, killing two of them and giving two others brain damage, according to ABC News.

Despite Richard Nixon's efforts to remove all Jews from the Bureau of Labor Statistics in 1971, President Obama is now attempting to nominate a known Jew to head the agency. And not just any Jew: Erica Groshen sent her children to "a politically left-wing Jewish summer camp with Communist roots." Will he succeed? Not if the Daily Caller's Matthew Boyle has anything to do with it.

Remember Matisyahu, the Hasidic rapper? Or, I guess, reggae singer? You know, the guy with the big beard? Had that one song? Kinda big on the jam-band circuit for a minute in the mid-2000s? Got it yet? Well, he shaved his beard today and posted a photo on Twitter. And then he posted this to his website:

Signs have been springing up recently around the Hasidic neighborhoods of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, bearing a Yiddish decree that translates thusly:

What has your life been missing, up until this point? A man who appreciates you for you, yes, that's one thing; but also, this video, uncovered by Politico's Maggie Haberman: Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry, the goy-est of the goy, dancing with a bunch of Texas Rabbis at a hanukkah celebration last year.

On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert—with his forehead still adorned with ash—decided that he'd give up Catholicism for Lent. Interesting! Then, Colbert decided to take up Judaism. And then, he gave up "not eating bacon" for Jewish Lent.

Holy Mount Zion, a soccer team in England's all-Jewish Maccabi Southern Football League, has been suspended from league play for, it seems, fielding non-Jewish players and pretending they were Jews. The team had apparently been under suspicion for some time, and was asked by the league to "provide proof" that all its players were, in fact Jewish; they were ultimately done in by a Facebook photo in which supposed Jews "Danny Potter" and "Simon Laub" were tagged as—and revealed as—"Mariusz Mielniczuk, a Polish-born personal trainer, and Javier Guevara, a banker who had previously studied and worked in Bogota." (A referee had previously suspected something was up when players called "Danny" "Mariusz" on field, and also when "Danny" didn't know his own birthday.) The manager has admitted to the ruse, but questions remain, The Jewish Chronicle reports:

New York Governor David Paterson, desperate for good luck, is now wearing the red string bracelet common among the celebrity enthusiasts of the mystical Jewish tradition of kabbalah. He is, characteristically, wearing it on the wrong wrist. [NYDN]

Disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff spent 43 months in prison thanks to his unbelievable network of congressional corruption. And now he's got a "fresh start" at a kosher pizza restaurant in Baltimore! Dibs on the movie option. [Baltimore Jewish Times, via]

Those Britishers. First they cast off the Pope. Then they make the royal family just a bunch of symbolic bobble-heads with questionable DNA. Now they're out to get rid of religion altogether! Is nothing sacred to these people? "More than half of Britons think Christianity is likely to have disappeared from the country within a century, according to a survey. Research by the Orthodox Jewish organisation Aish found that just over a third of people thought religions like Christianity and Judaism would still be practiced in Britain in 100 years' time. Although four in 10 people said they would choose to be a member of the Christian religion, almost the same number said they would rather practice no religion at all."

Let's start by saying we're not forsaking Israel or siding with Hezbollah or proclaiming our love for Mel Gibson. But? We do think the Jew thing is a little tired. Who isn't Jewish nowadays? Being a part of the tribe, one of God's chosen ones — we're just not so special anymore.

• Set your DVRs: Fake Writer James Frey and his very real publisher are going on Oprah tomorrow (OPRAH! OHMAGAH! YOU ARE SUUUUCH AN INSPIRATION!) to discuss the controversy surrounding A Million Little Pieces. Over/under on the likelihood that Dr. Phil comes out to talk to Frey about his honesty issues: 40 percent. [Oprah]
• GarbageScout uses Google Maps and cell phone technology to, uh, help you find good garbage. For the brave, this is great for scavenging furniture. For the pervy, it's an excellent tool for finding dirty underwear. [GarbageScout]
• We were in a green room with Bernard Henri-Levy once. He sat screamed en francais on his cell phone the entire time while we tried to enjoy the cheese plate. That being said, we don't intend to read his new book. [Boston Globe]
• The AP keeps some 1,000 pre-written obits on hand. What we wouldn't give to read Paris Hilton's... [E&P]
• Speaking of the Little Skankbot That Could, how can Paris Hilton's lawyers honestly ask for an assessment of Zeta Graff's mental condition? Did they not see how their own client performed on the stand? [CourtTV]
• To be clear, we are NOT making fun of this young girl's Bat Mitzvah or her excitement over reading the Torah. We're happy for her, because she's got her own URL and, even if you weren't cool enough to get invited to her party, you can still download her Bat Mitzvah desktop wallpaper. And the music video. [Jessie's Bat Mitzvah]

• Remember when Saturday Night Live was actually funny? We certainly do — those halcyon days bring tears to our eyes. This weekend's episode featured a "Lazy Sunday" rap was so fantastic, it might've saved the entire season. [SNL]
• We've realized now that Braunstein's been caught and Radar's folded, we've little to live blog for these days. Thankfully, Blackface Jesus keeps us afloat. [Craigslist]
• Holiday Link #1: Christmas just ain't white without a card from Brooklyn's own Women for Aryan Unity. [Alternet]
• Holiday Link #2: Build your own menorah, ladies! [TC]
• Holiday Link #3: At a loss for the perfect holiday sentiment? How about: "I wish you the worst tidings this holiday season. I hope Santa comes down your chimney, fucks you in the ass, and shits in your stocking." [The Muk Report]
• Holiday Link #4: Naturally, the billionaire media-mogul Jew would have to start his own front in the War on Christmas. [Jossip]

• John Huey is finally initiated as the successor to Norm Pearlstine's editorship at Time Inc. The ceremony involved branding, hazing, and some tasty swag.
• Daily News EIC Michael Cooke barely lasts 10 months before scampering back to the Windy City. At least he'll be taking a nice, new pair of shoes home with him.
• The Upper East Side's finest brats open their own under-18 Chelsea nightclub, where they won't be drinking or blowing rails.
• Fabulist Jayson Blair returns to the Times building, but naturally lies about the incident.
• Actor Chris Klein attends the Condé Nast holiday luncheon!
• We haven't sold out to the New York Times Company, but can you imagine if we did?
• Body-armor magnate David H. Brooks breaks all records for nauseating indulgence by throwing his daughter, Elizabeth, a $10 million bat mitzvah at the Rainbow Room, complete with A-list entertainment and princess costumes.
• Woody Allen graces Lincoln Center, prompting us to recall when his films were consistently good.