Funny or Die has become floppy haired and non-threatening after a full scale takeover by teen sensation Justin Bieber. He talks loudly in libraries, swims directly after he eats and boldly tries to convince us that he's a boy.

Attention, Justin Bieber's mom. We just spotted your son at Perez Hilton's birthday party. You're super Christian, right? Did you know the party was sponsored by Lifestyle condoms? Do you even know who Perez Hilton is? We have bad news.

On Friday, a Guardian columnist wrote a blog post called "Justin Bieber: an Old Person's Guide." Sounds familiar. We wrote the same post nine days earlier: "The Justin Bieber Guide for Old People." Updated with Hyde comment.

God help us. Tiger Woods wants to be alone with his cartoon porn. Miley Cyrus wants Kurt Cobain to be her boyfriend. Kim Kardashian wants everyone to look at her cleavage. Sunday gossip can't always get what it wants.

"Sarah Palin announces her 2010 target list"

Perez Hilton would have something to do with Justin Bieber's improbable rise to stardom. Hilton all but claimed he fashioned Bieber out of tween clay in an interview to MTV.com: "I make things happen." Justin Bieber = A thing. [MTV]

[Respected black musician Justin Bieber arriving at the BET television studios today; portrait via Splash]

Today, 16 year-old pop singer Justin Bieber announced his first world tour. This merited an 81-word write up in the Times. Meanwhile, 12 year-old girls are literally weeping with anticipation. What the hell is going on? Come, elderly reader. Learn.

This little girl's heart can't handle the blinding beauty of Justin Bieber. She cries when she listens to his songs, but she also cries when she's not listening to his songs—because she wants to listen to his songs.

Love takes a Geldof girl under her wing, which can only lead to disaster. Drew Barrymore blames her parents for her problems, and so does Michael Douglas' smack addict kid. Brangelina's new Voight-related headache, Michael Kors' weird bellybutton. TGIFriday gossip.

Do you know what a Justin Bieber is? You should: the 15 year-old star was read the riot act as 3,000 fans/parents descended on a Long Island mall, where his appearance had to be canceled. Fights! Chaos! Teenagers! RIOT!